A_Burn's Blog - 2old2play

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Unfortunately, I'm now "old" for 2 months until my wife catches up...

[7 Comments]

F**k You March!

“Rain on Me!” The Who

As the saying goes, March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a lion... and I’m ready to shoot the %@!$ lion with a bazooka.... Freaking lions.

If you read my last blog, you know about the boy at my daughter’s school who died. Well it doesn’t end there. The hits just keep on coming.

My wife’s friend died this last week. She was only 45. I can’t even describe how hard this has been on my wife. She and her friend hadn’t known each other very long, 6-8 months, but they were truly kindred spirits and had become close in that short time. They were the type of friends who would get into fits of giggles over the silliest things to the point of their sides hurting and tears rolling. Her sister and niece flew out here from the Midwest yesterday and are trying to get everything done by Sunday morning before they fly home. My wife and I are trying to help them as much as possible. (Anyone in the SF bay area want to adopt a cat? Just PM me, and I am serious) the first memorial is tonight. We will miss you.

On top of everything else, my wife’s parents’ health is not doing so well. Her dad has had this weird thing over the last month where he’d start slurring his speech during meals. This originally only happened while he was eating, then it started happening randomly throughout the day and now if he is talking for more than 5-10 minutes it happens. It has also gotten progressively worse to the point where he cannot form words. He went to his doctor who sent him to a neurologist. The neurologist diagnosed him with Myasthenia Gravis. For the lay people out there, a progressive muscle paralysis that works its way from the head down. There are a few possible causes of this (I won’t go into those yet) He gets an MRI and CT scan this next week, of course this happens while we are on the road to my parents’ house for Spring Break. We will know more when we get the results.

I won’t be sad to see this month end.

[1 Comments]

Funerals

I attended a funeral yesterday. I didn’t even know the deceased or his family. I went because George was a 13 year old classmate of my middle daughter and she wanted to go. I went to support her.

George choked to death at a family dinner last weekend. When EMS arrived he was already in cardiac arrest, and despite their best and most heroic efforts he died. Thirteen is too young to die.

This was my daughter’s and most of her classmate’s first time facing their own mortality. It stared at them through the closed eyes of their friend from his open casket. It stared at them through the sheer pain, grief and disbelief of his parents, younger brother and large extended family. She told me later that while she and her friends were saying good bye, his father came into the little anteroom, went up to the casket and started talking to the boy, petting his head and trying to coax him to come and play baseball. This hit them all very hard.

On the way to the cemetery, she asked me if I had gone in to see George. I told her no, not only did I not know him I had seen that the family was in there most of the time and wanted to give them their privacy. She accepted that and started talking about the funeral procession with the police escorts. She talks when she is nervous or scared.

One of the things that struck me most was the family. I think any and all parents can feel and share the pain and anguish that George’s parents were feeling. Just the dead disbelief and weariness in their eyes said it all. The whole family is from the somewhere in the Middle East, I’m not sure where though. Part of the service was in Arabic and when everyone arrived at the cemetery, about 10 or 15 of the men started to sing (for the lack of a better description) an Arabic dirge. Even though I couldn’t understand what they were saying, I was very moved and haunted by it. They did the same when the coffin was being lowered. The other thing that moved me was in the way his family and friends greeted each other. It didn’t matter man or woman, they would hug and kiss each other on both cheeks. It showed a sense of joy and love at seeing each other again no matter what the circumstance.

I think the thing that hit the kids the hardest of all, was the lowering of the casket into the ground after seeing him in it just an hour before. I think that is what made it real for them. My daughter was very quiet on the way home and the rest of the afternoon.

I know that in a day or two or three, they will all be feeling invincible again.

That's a good thing about being 13.

[4 Comments]

the Quest

Who knew? Who knew that my 10 year old daughter is in the cultural elite? Or at least has her finger on the pulse of what is hot and what is not? She asked Santa for a Nintendo DS. Not just any Nintendo DS, but a PINK Nintendo DS with Nintendogs. Now being the good parents, I mean Santa that we are, my wife and I go shopping yesterday to get presents for the good kids, including the PINK Nintendo DS. First stop is Target. No, sold out a few days ago and we won't get any until after Christmas. We do have several white ones though. Next is Game Slop (I have always hated this store). Did I forget to mention this is Sunday. Two Sundays prior to Christmas and we are in a mall? Just getting from store to store was like being a salmon swimming up stream, while dodging bulls dressed as people with lots of packages ramming their way through the crowd at the same time stepping around the slowly meandering teenagers who suddenly, and without warning, abruptly stop in front of you to adjust their Ipods, hair, or because the conversation they are currently engaged in on their cell phone is so engaging, their legs instantly stop and become rooted to the ground. So as I mentioned, we went into Game Slop. There is a line from the register that snakes all the way to the back of the store and is starting to come back to the front, complete with a customer arguing with the cashier. The store looks like it has been looted in some 3rd world civil war. The only thing missing are the goats and chickens running around. Between the line and the huge groups of kids around the xbox 360 and playstation 3, it is very difficult to move. We work are way into the store and find a lonely and busy employee engaged in the futile attempt at restocking the shelves. We ask the dreaded question… He said that he thought that they were sold out. He was good enough to check with one of the other employees (the one arguing with the customer in line). Nope, all sold out and none before Christmas, but we do have some white ones…( I do have to say that this was the best customer service I have ever gotten at Game Slop) Back into the pulsing throng. On a lark we stopped in FYE, nope… We do have some white ones though. Crap, Crap, Crap, Crap… Who knew the Pink ones were so damn popular? So I called my last bastion of hope, my favorite video game store. Of course it is not in the mall though. “Hello, this is Game Crazy may I help you?” Do you… Pink DS? “Yes, we have one left.” You do!?! Can you hold it? You can?! I will be there! To make an already long story shorter, it turns out when I called them about the Pink DS, they were finishing the sale of the only other Pink DS they had. And while I was buying the last Pink DS, someone called and asked if they had any Pink DS’s. “No sir, we are selling the last one as we speak, but we do have both the White and Black ones available.” I swear I could hear a sob over the phone. So now my daughter will find her Pink DS with Nintendogs (with the Dalmation on the cover) under the tree. Happy Holidays to all and Happy New Year! Matt

[5 Comments]

PS3 Hype

I just got home from San Francisco. If you don't know about SF, there is a "Playstation Store" at Sony's Metreon. The Metreon is basically a fancy but limited mall/theater complex complete with IMAX that has mostly all things Sony. I called the Playstation Store and found out that they are closed tomorrow to prepair for the PS3 launch but they will not (or at least not to me) divulge how many units they will have for sale. Fishy if you ask me. But they do have some big event thing planned though. The funny part is as of 8PM, there is already a line a whole city block long complete with tents, chairs, guitars and other sundry stuff and it is getting longer! I have only camped out for an event once and that was for Pink Floyd tickets (3rd in line for that, sat 1st row up from field on 50 yard line! Awsome show and I'd do it again... BTW those tickets sold out in approx 13 minutes! Broke all records for the evil Ticketmaster) All I can figure is one of three things... 1. These people have the knowlege of 1,000 PS3's in stock at the Playstation store. 2. They are going on blind faith that Sony will not let them down. or 3. They are all Complete SUCKERS! except maybe the first 2-3 people in line. Good Luck to all you PS3 campers, I hope all of your dreams come true, and you get your $600 console. Your loved ones will be able to make a fortune on ebay after you die from pneumonia.

[1 Comments]

Music in the gym or� What NOT to play.

First, I just want to say I love my gym. It is a great place to work out. It’s brand new (opened less than a year ago), state of the art equipment, 2 pools (1 indoor), racquet ball courts, basketball/volleyball courts and classes of every flavor, yoga, pilates, spinning, step, etc. They also have a staff of personal trainers. It is kept very clean at all times they have fresh towels at all times, large locker room/shower with a dry sauna (complete with a copper bucket and ladle for putting H20 on the hot rocks!). This gym also has a limited membership (this keeps it from becoming another 24hr shit hole, and yes I used to belong to 24 hr shit hole so I know.) and has a wide range of people who belong, from the 20ish year old college student to the 70 year old grand parent, as well as the frighteningly fit to the not so fit (me) and downright “I need to do something or I’m going to die” crowd and everything in between. Not to mention the beautiful people to the not so beautiful. It is a great place.

When the gym first opened and up until 2-3 months ago, one of the things I liked about going was the music they’d play in the locker room (if you listened really hard and didn’t have your Mp3 player you could also hear it on the gym floor.) It was different every day. It was even different depending on what time you went. This was great, I’d hear classic rock, reggae, classical, blues, jazz, bluegrass and hell, I’ve even heard them play some big band! Then it started to change, slowly at first, I’d come in and there’d be this crappy, easy listening fake jazz playing (you know, the crap they play in dentist offices while they happily drill into bone and nerve). But the next time it was something good. But over time, this crap was on every time I came in, didn’t matter what time either! Granted it was occasionally mixed up with some soft, easy singing stuff that my Dad would listen to. WTF? Shouldn’t the music played in a gym be something to get you fired up for a work out? Shouldn’t it at least be something to get you into the groove of working out? At the very least, it should be something to help you clear your mind and get you ready for the rest of your day. I’ve even complained about this on a “how can we do things better” form. Twice! And guess what, the good stuff came back… but not for long. Soon, the crap came back (sort of like eating bad chili).

Now, before I continue, I just want to say, I’ve never been a big fan of R&B or fake R&B. I know I’m going to catch some flack for this, but oh well. I just can’t get into or stand for that matter all the wailing, warbling and “Oh baby, come on, I love only you, why’d I go and do her, she didn’t mean anything, you’re the only one.” Yadda, Yadda Yadda. Just a side note here, give me some good funk any time… “I feel good! HA!”

This brings be to this morning. I got to the gym just after they opened. I walk into the locker room after working out. And what is playing? This easy listening shit. I block it out and hurry to the sauna. It is blissfully quiet in the sauna. I love the sauna. I want one in my home. The wood, the heat, the steam on demand, it’s like the womb, its my happy place. After I’m done melting my body, I hit the showers, I can barely hear anything above the running water, I’m just aware of a slight sound. After the shower back to my locker and at this point there is no escaping it. Your favorite soft 70’s songs, redone by today’s favorite R&B stars! Can you say “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” sung by Whitney Houston? “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” was a shitty song when it was at its most popular! In the 70’s! And guess what, it still is in 2006! Why, In the name of all that is good and right in the world, would anyone want to remake that awful song?! I tried to block it out and just get dried and dressed and to get out of there. But I couldn’t. I noticed that it started to make the hairs on the back neck to prickle and my jaw to clench. I tried to move faster, I don’t need to dry the back of my knee. I don’t care that my pants are on backwards. Now my bowels started to grumble and the panic in my chest is building. God! Doesn’t this song ever freaking end?! My breathing was rapid and getting ragged. I couldn’t stuff my stuff into my gym bag fast enough, I felt like a fox in a trap, I was about to chew off my own ears it was so bad! Screw it! I don’t need my cell phone, pad lock or that superfluous left shoe. I just want out. I’m running now, and if the Zombies were after me, I couldn’t move any faster. I now know what they use in Guantanamo Bay as well as those secret CIA prisons. Forget water boarding and electric shock, and Sodium Pentathol, we’ve got Whitney Houston singing “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers”!! They will only need to play it once, twice tops. That will make anybody talk…

Goddamn gym employees with no musical taste! Making the rest of us suffer with your lousy sense of “good music” so you can feel special. Guess its time to write another “how can we do things better” form and to remember to bring my Mp3 player.

[4 Comments]

McDonalds and Disney all mixed into one... or Build a Bear

Yesterday I took my two younger daughter’s (they are 10 and almost 13) to their cousin's birthday party. That in itself is fine, we gave presents, sang "Happy Birthday" and ate cake. We had a wonderful time. The interesting or disturbing part was prior to doing all this we drove to the local indoor, super consumer, we'll suck your soul right out of you, buy this product that you don't need meeting place, aka the Mall. We took this sojourn for one reason. My sweet little niece who turned 6, wanted to go to Build a Bear for her birthday. My brother in law, who being the good, loving and doting father that he is couldn't say no to his little princess.

I just want to say for the record I hate malls. All malls. They are loud, crowded, consumerist nightmares. Everything from the nasty food court, the BO, the faux neo Grecian architecture, the dizzying colors, fake plants, the background Muzak to the windows of the shops screaming at you to come on in and Buy! Buy! Buy! You can smell the credit card debt as well as the charred remains of the lost souls that still float aimlessly about the place looking for the next "BIG SALE". This is also the haven for all pre-teen and teenage girls. Whether its Hot Topic, Forever 21, Spencers, Disney Store or whichever overpriced "music" store that happens to have a contract with said mall. All parents get that cringe (or they should) when they hear Mommmmm or DaaaaDDDDD can I have (insert name of useless thing or overpriced clothing here). PLEASEEEE!!! This also where you will see some spoiled kid throwing a tantrum, screaming and wailing while their "parent" drags them through the store that we are all trying to shop in, instead of taking them outside where they belong. Now don't get me wrong, I do end up shopping at the malls when I have too, when I can't get what I need elsewhere or Xmas time(lets not even mention holidays), and there are some small things that are good about malls, Victoria's Secret, The Body Shop or Bath and Body works depending on which mall you're at and the video game shop(browsing only, never buying), the occasional good shoe store and lets not forget good ole' Barnes & Noble or Borders.

And now there is the newest, latest, greatest addition to the consumer institutions, brought to you straight from the 7th level of Hell.... Build a Bear (BaB).

Right in the middle of the mall is this cross between McDonald's and Disney. (Just so you know, there are both a McD's and BaB inside Disneyland) Its all plastic, brightly colored, and fake. Even the employees wear uniforms straight from Disneyland! You can even host your BaB birthday party there! Fun for the whole family! There are bins of empty, cute, pre-made bear/bunny/dog carcasses for you to choose from, costing you from $12- $16 each. After you pick one, you stand in line. This line is usually long, especially on a weekend. While you stand there waiting, there is another bin to catch your attention. This bin has the little electronic sound makers that you can include in the making of your bear, anything from laughing, to your voice, to a satanic voice repeating "You must kill Mommy and Daddy" over and over again. O.K., I made that last one up, but that at least would be interesting. These things are $5/piece or 3 for $10 or something like that. On a personal note, I was standing there with my Mother and Father in law, Brother in law and his wife and 5 kids. To pass the time and the uncomfortable ness (my brother in law hates malls more than I do, ahh a father's love.) we started on all the bear puns that came to mind. "This is un-Bearable", "I can't Bear this anymore." "Please Bear in mind this is a place of business." "I can Bearly stand this anymore." "This store Bears some more inspection." etc. We also started twisting my mother in laws words for our own selfish benefit, something about Amoebas and Dysentery but I can't really remember. But it Bear-ly had an effect on her!" (I'll stop now). What was I talking about? Oh yea, standing in line. So you stand and stand and stand (I'm still waiting for the fun part). When you finally get in sight of the Stuffing machine, picture a large, long, glass popcorn machines from the count fair full of white fluffy stuff. On the working end, there is a large what looks like a hypodermic needle about 1 inch in diameter sticking out. They keep this covered when not in use with a large red plastic fake cork. Safety First! They use this needle by shoving the empty carcass that you picked onto it. This is where the child "participation" comes in. Once it is impaled onto the huge syringe, the employee asks the child whether they want their animal to be soft or firm. Then they tell the child to step onto a foot pedal to make the stuffing go into the bear(the child is not touching the bear at all at this point). When the kid steps onto the pedal, the employee turns a little switch on, fluff starts to fly around inside the popcorn cart and stuffing starts to fill the bear.(reminded me of a colonoscopy gone really bad). When the bear is full, they don't tell the kid to stop stepping on the pedal, they turn off the switch. Now here's where the magic comes in. The child gets to pick out a little fabric heart, either solid red or red/white checkered one. The employee then tells them to make a wish on the heart, then put the heart on their forehead so the bear "will be smart like you.", then they have to jump up and down once or twice to "start the heart", (I personally would have love to see some kid's heart actually start beating in his hand at this point AAAHHHHHHHH!) then they put the heart into the bear and the employee closes it up. Fun Fun Fun! But we're not done yet, not by a long shot. Your going to be here for another 20 to 30 minutes Skippy! First you have to go through the clothing/costuming area where kids can pick out all sorts of fun clothes or costumes for their bear. They can even dress up their bear in a Winnie the Poo costume for Halloween! You can even buy a wig for your bear so you can brush and braid its hair. This is the same area that they have a bank of computers lined up so you can make an official adoption certificate that prints out for you at no extra cost… except after you/child inputs all of their personal info: Name, Address, Phone #, email, and birth date. Can anyone say free marketing? I can just see the junk mail and Spam in my daughters’ inboxes. Grrrrr. So after you give them all of your information (I’m surprised they didn’t ask for blood type and SS #) you can proceed to the check out so you can pay for all this fun.

Now the idea of a place where kids can go for a fun, (the Gods forbid) educational, and different experience is great. I'm all for it. They can even come away with a teddy bear that they helped make. What an experience. A kid would remember that forever. There is such a place in San Francisco, http://www.basicbrownbear.com/ . This place has been there, giving tours of an actual factory and letting kids see bears getting designed and made. They even get to learn about the history of the Teddy Bear, as well as make a bear of their own. And yes, they have costumes and clothes for your bear as well. They have been doing this for more than 25 years! Freaking Amazing! My 2 older girls have been there for Girl Scouts, school field trips, parties and such and they absolutely loved it. On top of all that, you also get that personal touch that only comes from a small business.

One of the best things about this place, it is a locally owned business that supports the local community. It’s not a huge corporate, conglomerated, soulless behemoth. There is only one, which makes a visit there all the more memorable. It also makes the quality better. So if your thinking of going to BaB, please think about it first, and look and see if there is a more of a Mom and Pop business in your area that will do the same thing. They will probably even do it better than BaB. This also translates to the other things you buy. Instead of buying from the above mentioned Barnes& Noble and Borders, buy from a local book store first. Instead of buying or renting from Hollywood or Blockbuster go to the local shop, Yes I know they don’t have the greatest selection, but I’ll guarantee they will have some funkier stuff. Use Netflix over Blockbuster, Netflix is still owned and run by the original people that started it and they do a better job. Look at Codemonkey, he and his wife are starting their own business, buy from them if you can, it supports our 2o2p community.

Wow this got long, I just wanted to rant about Build a Bear. Ok. I’m stepping down from my soap box now.

[2 Comments]

Miracles do Happen

My wife’s life is so much more interesting than mine since I started back to work M-F 8hrs/day. She calls me at work and says “I just had to call and tell you this, you’ll love it!” My wife was driving on the freeway going to a class in moderately heavy traffic, you know the type I’m talking about, lots of cars but moving at or above the speed limit. She is in the number 1 lane when this guy comes speeding up behind her and starts to tail gate her. I mean really tailgating, moves up on her bumper and sits there, starts to do the minor weave back and forth in the lane to try and give her the idea that she should get the hell out of his way. Now remember she is in heavy traffic and decides that it would be a whole lot safer for her to just stay where she is instead of changing lanes, also because there is a couple of cars right next to her in the next lane over and this guy is obviously stupid and is likely to do something stupid like try to change lanes at the same time she does. So she stays put. So after trying unsuccessfully to force my wife out of the way, Timmy Tailgater sees an opening and takes it, across 3 lanes of traffic to the right, cutting off who knows how many other cars. He then starts to make his move to come back over to the fast lane when out of nowhere comes (cue 1812 overture or Ride of the Valkerys) The California Highway Patrol with all their Christmas lights flashing and siren going and pulls his ass over! Who says there never is a cop around when you need one. Talking with a friend of mine who is in law enforcement about the above incident, depending on how unforgiving and inventive the cop who pulled this jackass over was, this guy could get sited for a minimum of 5 or even up to possibly 10 high priced violations! As well as a possible field sobriety test! On another note played last night with Lady, Shakes, Old Man River, DamnDog, BC Kinetic, R3d Scare, Duderlock, Lotus eater, Radio Birdman and many others. Two things I want to say about this, 1. There were 4 of us from 2o2p West on at the same time playing the same game! WEST SIDE REPRESENT! 2. I got totally chewed up, I totally brought the suck! But I still had an awesome time! Thanks guys, it was great getting PWND by you. It didn’t help that I’m trying to learn the “Boxer” setup on my controller and that I had a rabid wolverine in my pants. (yes I know, excuses are like assholes)

[6 Comments]

Drain damage

Today my kitchen sink and garage sink backed up getting water all over the garage! This sucks. I've been snaking the pipes for the last 2+ hours getting the whole length of the 15 foot(?) snake into the pipe. I've also used one of those water pressured"drain kings" both with no freeking effect. Guess I get to crawl under the house to get access to the clean out tomorrow. Its 8pm and I've had it.

[3 Comments]

9/11/06 or how the US Postal service is keeping us safe.

O.K. I know today is 9/12/06 but with the events of yesterday and last week, I had to write about this.

Starting about a week ago, we noticed that we were not getting any mail. At first I thought maybe our mail carrier was sick or maybe our mail was given to the wrong house. But after not getting any for three days, I called the post office. They couldn’t answer my questions but took my name, address, and phone number and said they would get back to us in one to two business days after the supervisor looked into it. We even saw some poor excuse for a mail carrier on Saturday bypassing houses and zigzagging back and forth across the street. Fast forward to 9/11/06, while I’m at work, my wife gets a phone call from the Post Office. They proceed to tell her that our mail is being held because we have a letter with a “Suspicious Powder” leaking from it. They also tell her that she must come down there see the supervisor and identify the powder in order to get our mail delivery resumed. My wife then asks “How am I supposed to identify it?” with the answer “This is procedure”. My wife then calls me and tells me this. I was completely blown away by all this. She asks me how she is supposed to identify it. “Am I some sort of “Powder Expert?” “Do they expect me to lick it?”

OK people, I mean what ever happen to Homeland Security? Aren’t they responsible for testing Suspicious Powders? Where are all my tax dollars going? I told her she should just go in and say you have no idea and tell them to call the HazMat unit. That would really make things interesting.

This is time for me to mention the biggest and most burning question of the moment. Who in the heck would be sending us “Suspicious Powder”? I can’t think of anyone who I’ve pissed off recently. I can’t even begin to imagine that I’m that important that someone would want to do us in or get us our very own FBI file.(though secretly I’ve always wanted one, always sounded cool)

So my wife goes to the Post Office and sees the Supervisor. Before he starts, he says that they thought we were trying to avoid them because we didn't respond. "Respond to what?" my wife asked. We sent 2 people to your house to try to contact you. One of them left a note with your daughter. (this we find out later was my 10 year old) The note they left was actually one of those "We tried to deliver a package but you werent home" slips with a phone number on it. No wonder we didn't get it, you don't leave an important message with a 10 year old! His response to that was "they thought she was 12". He proceeds to show her a letter sealed inside a Hazardous waste bag with big letters reading WARNING.

The letter is from the Lake Tahoe branch. This letter is seems, caused enough of a scare at the Lake Tahoe Post Office that the entire Lake Tahoe Post Office was shut down when it came through! Don't you think that if they shut down a post office they would check out this powder more thoroughly? This letter is addressed to my 15 year old daughter at her summer camp address where she was counseling camp using her camp name. The reason it was our mail being held was due to the fact that the return address was our home address. This is where things get even stupider. He asks my wife if she knows what the powder is and if she knows who sent it. My wife tells him she has no idea who sent it and if she had to guess, she thinks it looks like sand. This doesn’t help the situation. The Supervisor then starts lecturing my wife for 20 minutes! 20 minutes my wife had to sit there and listen to this guy go on about how serious this whole situation is! Especially with the way the world is now, especially after September 11 bla bla bla! The long and short of it came down to if we could figure out who sent it and what it was, we would start getting our mail again. Nobody would get in trouble, the whole affair over. If we couldn’t figure it out, then the letter, powder and all would be sent to the Post Master General for investigation. If this happens, we will not get any mail until the investigation is concluded.

Now, the only person that we know of that was at Lake Tahoe during the time my daughter was at camp was her boyfriend. HMMMMMMMM.... My wife picked up our daughter from school and told her about all the goings on and asked her if it was him. My daughter called him and asked him if he was the terrorist. Sure enough it was him. In his own romantic way he managed to shut down a United States Post Office, get my mail stopped, and caused my wife to be lectured and threatened with investigation by the Post Master General. Who says love is dead?

What was the “Suspicious Powder”? You ask.

Sand from Lake Tahoe and Pop Rocks.

I should be getting my mail starting tomorrow.

[3 Comments]

blogging test

Ok Ok, I know what your saying another "blog test" bla bla bla. Well this is the first time I've ever done this so I'm going to keep the story short just so I can figure this thing out.

So last night, my thirteen year old daughter comes out of her bedroom around 9-9:30pm to get batteries for her flash light. This is my daughter who never sleeps. She didn't sleep for the first 2 years of her life and still tries to avoid it and often has to be told several times to put down her book and go to sleep. So she heads out to the garage to the old cupboard where we keep the batteries. She comes back in and anounces that she smells dead fish in the garage. My wife looks at me and asks me to go check it out. Well my nose doesn't work that well to begin with. I can smell certain foods really well, some flowers ok, I can tell when someone has been drinking, bad BO or bad breath, thats about it. My wife on the other hand has a extremely sensative sense of smell. She can smell anything. She is so sensative that she often gets over whelmed by oders and will become physically ill. Because of this I get the pleasure of doing some of the dirtiest, nastiest jobs around our house. So I go out to the garage and I can't smell anything out of the ordinary, it smells like a garage and I don't see anything out of the ordinary. So back into the house I go and report that I don't smell anything. My daughter who just can't believe my incompetance, (did I mention she's 13?) asks my wife to go check it out because obviously I'm too stupid for words. She directs my wife to the cabinet where the batteries are. My wife heads over there and gets a look on her face. "I think there is a dead rat or something over here." So my daughter goes over to the spot and shines her light under the cabinet and sees a dead mouse a really dead mouse. "Hah! I told you there was something dead dad! Jeeze! " At this point my wife comes over and sees the mouse and promptly says "Ew, Honey, can you please clean that up?" Sure I can, whats a dead mouse to me? So now I get my own flash light and look under the cabinet and I don't see one dead mouse, I see four freaking dead mice! WTF! I know we put out poison, but this is rediculous! And they are all in the same place. Well at least they thought of my convenience before they died. I can see them having a mousy meeting during their last hours, "Lets make it easy on the poor guy. I mean after all he's the one who has to clean us up after we're gone and he probably wont even be able to smell us." Just so we are clear here, these mice arent just dead, they are way dead, so dead infact that a couple of them have small puddles of goo around them ewwwww! mouse goo! So I get two plastic grocery bags (after making sure there are no holes in them) and use one of them for a glove and the other as the recepticle. So I grab the closest one first, no problem, he comes quietly, not too gross. I then proceed to get the next closest. Thats when I noticed a trail of something wriggling on the floor in a trail from the 2nd mouse. I point my flashlight down and see... MAGGOTS! not just any maggots but some of the biggest nastiest maggots I've ever seen! Great! Now I go get the dustbuster and start cleaning up the plump, wiggling spawn of evil. At this time my wife and daughter (remember them?) ask what are you doing. "Oh just cleaning up some left overs from some of the mice." You really don't want to come over here, in fact do we have a spray bottle with bleach in it? I'm going to need it after I done (for myself). So now I look under the cabinet again and start going for the next dead, rotting carcass and I notice its moving, sort of like those horror movies when some demon spawn is trying to break out of some poor unsuspecting human's body. Great, this is getting better by the second. So I grab number three and he bascally falls apart in my hand, spilling about a million maggots all over the place. nice. I was just having a glass of wine with my wife just a short 10 mins ago and now I'm swimming in maggots. So to make a long story short, (I know I know) after mouse #4, I found 2 more hiding! The the grand total loss for the night was 6 mice, an unfathomable amount of maggots, one of my younger daughter's doll dresses (one of the mice used it for a death shroud), and approx 1/2 spray bottle of bleach.

At this point I thanked my daughter for finding the offending carcasses, gave her a kiss, told her to go to bed and that if her flashlight runs out of batteries again, to please read in the dark.

[1 Comments]