Behold the Ultimate Nintendo Fanboy's Fury!

This guy is pretty much the Uberest, misguided but still 1337, Big N fanboy ever to walk the Earth. Behold him in all his glory. AWESOMENESS!



Posted by AvastYeBilgeRat @ 3:41 pm EDT | Permalink | 5 Comments

American Idol is Back (Premier Liveblog - Hour 2)

Well, I'd say hour one lived up to it's billing. With fresh beers in hand, I will continue to fight the good fight, blog the good blog, and provide more completely asinine comments about the craziness that is the American Idol season premier. I need to create a drinking game to help make it through some of this shit - seriously. Ideas welcome. Heeeeeeeere we go:

9:04 - Angela Martin, Chicago, 26 years old, had a daughter with complications, has a huge family with matching t-shirts and why don't they just fast forward since I'm sure she's going to Hollywood already. Too much background info and sensitive music to not put her through. The kid is adorable though, and I love the family. OK, feel-good story of the night. Please, please sing worth a flying rat's ass.

She has her own band. Right on. Full-time singer, so I have more hope. Stevie Wonder, and here we go...oh YES - she's a diva alright, got the soul going on - great performance - love it. Gotta be a shoe-in. Simon gives some critique and says she needs to "de-wedding-ize it," but she's through. Excellent. All 47 family members and Ryan go wild.

9:09 - Simon proves he's a robot by not understanding what it's like to celebrate the success of people you know. What a moron.

(commercials)

9:17 - Alyse....DEAR GOD, what is she doing??? Holy hell, what is happening to her? Simon begins a nightmare story. And Teresa Anello continues the bellowing and OH MY GOD that's SO LOUD and I've never heard "Alone" by Heart sung like that.

9:19 - Milo is here and he's bald. He's 39. He's going to sing an original song called "No Sex Allowed." He's marching and pointing. This guy reminds me of a 40-year-old "Sex" from So You Think You Can Dance (forgot the kid's real name). God, that was hilarious. Lots of chest hair too.

9:21 - Woa, Christy is a cage fighting, horse training, cabin log inhabiting wonder of a person. Hope she can sing. Simon the Asshat calls her a jello wrestler. She sings Amazing Grace and does the song justice, doing the bluesy-country version where "Meeeeeee" is modulated. Awesome voice. She's through, has to be a favorite as of now.

(commercial break, get the pregnant wife some food break)

COMING UP - They previewed a manly looking girl with Princess Leia buns that looks JUST LIKE the butch woman from Dodgeball - AWESOME! (goes to look for a pic)

9:29 - Dude is wearing a cloak to hide his costume. The suspense is killing me. DEAR GOD, he's wearing the Princess Leia costume from when she's the slave to Jabba the Hutt. He's going to go wax his chest hair and come back - what the Helen of Troy???

9:30 - Pedro Rivera and Shekeriah - legends in their own mind but no one else's. "See, I was tryin' to give ya'll the range." Hahaha.

9:31 - Nice RANT montage. Everyone drops the f-bomb because they suck ass at singing.

9:32 - Paula Abdul stalker enters, stage left. He's 32, and creepy...sings about breaking into Paula's house, trying on her underwear. Holy crap. This guy has restraining order written all over him. The lyrics to the chorus are AWESOME though. Oh my god, "if I were Columbo I'd Peter Faulk her!" I've gotta rewind that later and get those lyrics.

9:34 - Beth Stalker - pleasant voice, kinda pitchy, but smooth like Nora Jones or something like that. Don't see her doing pop stuff. Simon confirms. Buuuuuut Randy and Paula PUT HER THROUGH! Not sure she'll make it another round.

OH MY GEEZ - the just showed a preview and the cloak/Princess Leia costume guy actually went and got waxed. I can't wait.

9:41 - the cloak guy is BALD as a baby. They're going to let him sing, and no they're not. He was going to sing "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend was Hot Like Me." Bad dreams for a week now. TV time whore got his chance....wonderful, next.

9:42 - I like this Chris guy. Got a good head on his shoulders, names some eclectic influences. WOW - nice voice. Can sing rock, but with soul. This is actually my favorite kind of singer and will be my favorite from here on out. LOVE this guy.

A.Y.B.R.'s FAVORITE OF THE COMPETITION - Chris (missed his last name). I always pick someone way early to go way far and this guy is it. I think it'll hold up too - he's the real deal.

(commerical)

9:49 - auditions ran out of steam apparently, another F-bomb montage incoming.

(phone call DVR break)

HERE SHE IS. Crazy ass Star Wars loving chick who looks like the brute woman from Dodge Ball. She is the freakiest sounding person I've ever heard in my entire life. "I may be dressed up in a costume, but I do have a good voice." She also reminds me of Mary Katherine Gallagher with her nervous snickering and "DUH" shout-outs. This is pure hilarity.

She's actually singing now - and it's incredibly pitchy, but scarily not as bad as I thought it would be. Simon is speechless. She freely admits to being a total goofball. Uh oh, it's getting PISSED. It's crying now. It's dropping f-bombs. I advise Ryan to move away from it immediately.

9:something - Poor Brooke White - she has to go in and audition with the wookie/Leia/Dodge Ball chick cursing up a storm right outside the door. Charming though, hope she can pull it off. She's never seen a Rated R movie - what the DEUCE?!? Ok, she's kind of out there.

WOW - doing the Corinne Bailey Rae song some justice here. I dig it. I'd put her through. Randy agrees, as do the others.

Princess Leia is still outside bitching up a storm, calling nerd shenanigans. Oh my lord, give it up already. She is a strange, strange bird.

RANT: Why not SHOW the auditions for the 20-30 people you actually put through rather than wasting time on the crazies?!?

Fun night all in all - looks like more hilarity will ensue in Texas tomorrow night. Looking forward to it!

Posted by AvastYeBilgeRat @ 9:06 pm EDT | Permalink | 3 Comments

American Idol is Back (Premier Liveblog - Hour 1)

Ok, I admit it: I'm somewhat obsessed with American Idol. Sure, it's all about finding marketable contestants to participate in a glorified popularity contest, but there's just something captivating about watching a select few people rising out of obscurity among hundreds of thousands to make a name for themselves and achieve their dreams of fame and fortune (sometimes). I thought I'd do a quasi-liveblog. I'll submit during commercials to update.

8:05 - WOW, dude lost like 200 pounds or something. Unreal. Oh, that reminds me, The Biggest Loser is on too (another guilty pleasure)...I'll DVR it. This guy should have been on that show before trying out for this one. He could have tried to win a reality grand-slam title of sorts...or something.

8:07 - Randy's sideburns are the shit. Word. Paula's still "crickets and frogs." Simon's still an ass.

8:08 - Losing the weight did wonders for his voice...reminds me of Jamiroquai.

8:12 - HAHA - it's Borat's cousin!!! Oh boy...can't stop looking at the gap in his teeth, and his accent is killing me. "I have my friend, and she told me you are sexy face. I say alright, thank you very much." GOLD!!! "I want to the love the girl from the hair to the nipple and give all my life for her." Oh God this is going to be good.

8:16 - Yep, he's killing it alright. Awesomely horrible. Wow - even Paula's unable to bring him down softly. Poor guy got his dreams shattered, but doesn't even recognize it yet.

8:18 - Taylor Hicks' backup singer. Nice personality, sings kinda "meh," but hopefully she'll get better.

8:20 - James Lewis - Never seen a suit as ugly as this mustard yellow one and OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS HE SINGING?!? Paula's snorting, Randy has his head covered with his sheets. The guy has no idea why they're laughing at him - he's just staring. Simon's being the nice guy and apologizing. OH NO HE'S SINGING AGAIN. He blames it on the older, Christian song selection.

(Commerical - submitting)

8:26 - Mmmmmmmmmmmm Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesesteaaaaaaaaak

8:26 - Nick Stano sounds like a cat being backed over by a garbage truck. Simon just cursed - hahaha. And then he told a girl to shut up!

8:27 - Asian dude sang a lullaby and Paula snorts again. NICE. Woa, Junot breaks out with some Elton John FTW. He goes out in the hallway and his huge, happy mom almost breaks her ankles in excitement.

8:28 - CONFLICT: great voice, don't know what the hell he sang.

8:29 - HO-LEE SHI-ITE. Temptress?!? Inappropriate name of of the century, and She. Is. A. LINEBACKER. Oh my good LORD LOOK AT HER MOTHER!!!!!!!! Biggest mother/daughter duo in reality TV history. Unreal. This is going to be bad. And it is. Not an ounce of soul in such a large body. Ouch. She looks like that ex-WWF wrestler Mark Henry (goes to look for a pic).

Cue the tears. She wants to sing another song. Cue more tears. Cue faked sympathy from judges. Group hug. Cue sad piano music. Oh the humanity. Is this for real? I've never seen the judges escort someone out and shake the Dad's hand. This is awkward to the thousandth degree.

(More commercials)

RANT: Why does some shit float its way through to these auditions in front of the judges and many wonderful singers (I personally know some) never make it in front of them? The system is F-ed in the A, but oh well.

FOUND THE MARK HENRY PIC! And Temptress looks exactly like him! (see right)

8:39 - Mark Hayes makes awesome cricket sound, but probably can't sing worth a shit. CONFIRMED. Asshat.

8:40 - He thinks he dances good and doesn't. Sure it applies to singing too. People say he sounds like Barry Manilow and Frank Sinatra. Randy feigns excitement. AND HE SUCKS ASS - excellent! Tone-deaf doesn't begin to describe this sack of crap. HAHAHAHA.

He asks for an explanation after a lengthy explanation. Nice anger response. "Keep your batteries in your calculator." Completely nuts is accurate.

8:46 - FIRST SUCKY SINGER MONTAGE OF THE YEAR is "I Love Rock and Roll" - hilarity ensues. The dude with the long red hair wig was classic.

(Commercials)

8:50 - Alexis Coen says she "marches to the beat of a different drummer." No F-ing way. Actually Alexis, you scare the ever-living hell out of everyone you come in contact with I'd imagine. She loves cats more than herself huh? Is that possible?

(DVR pause - bathroom break...damn beers)

Alexis rattles off a list of women I'm sure she sounds nothing like. It's Jim Carrey from Cable Guy! "Don't youuuuuuu want somebody to loooouhhhhhhve." Complete with over the top vibrato. Simon nails it: "it sounded a bit possessed."

She's completely shocked that they thought she was awful...of course.  "Peace, love, and chicken grease man," from Randy Jackson.  HAHAHA and "Simon is a big, fat bad word."  And Simon says she looks like Willem Dafoe - AWESOME!!!!

OFFICIAL BEST CONTESTANT RANT OF THE NIGHT SO FAR.  Flipped camera off, she's going to "go for actressing," and the mom's trying to bring her back down to earth.  Speaking of the WWF, she needs to be a wrestler - she could be the new-school Fabulous Moolah.  Wow, that was weird.

(Commercials)

Posted by AvastYeBilgeRat @ 8:23 pm EDT | Permalink | 2 Comments

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor!

The first "FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR" gets me every time!



Posted by AvastYeBilgeRat @ 1:04 pm EDT | Permalink | 2 Comments