Fayettevilles Sinister Underground

Originally written: Thursday, July 29, 2004 

The craziest thing has happened to me here in the peaceful city of Fayetteville.  I thought you might be entertained. 

About a week ago, my friend David sets me up on this blind date.  It went great, immediate mutual connection and attraction.  After dinner everything had progressed so quickly we decided to go meet up with some of her friends.  This was about 11pm and David joins up with us. 

Before we leave to head to the bar, Georges on Dickson, she warned me that her best friend since High School, Katie, just came out of the closet and is a lesbian.  As a result, there would be several lesbians around.  At that point what did I care? So I said no problem. 

When we got to the bar, everyone was dancing to this wacked out trumpet / trance stuff.  David, this lesbian named Caitlin and myself were the only ones not dancing.  Caitlin starts begging for compliments by saying stuff like, Im just the loser over here by myself and If I were better looking  Me being me, I complimented her and tried to make her feel better.  She also started asking me how my date was going and saying, Lindsays pretty cool isnt she? and Do you think Lindsays pretty?  At the time I didnt think anything of it. 

So the night goes on and I buy a couple of drinks for David, Lindsay and Caitlin the people Im hanging with.  Georges closes at 2am and we all get ready to leave.  Caitlin comes up to me and asks me for my phone number and says that I should call her and we could go mountain biking or kayaking sometime.  I said sure and took her phone number its Lindsays friend, right? 

Lindsay and I go home.  The next day I found out that Lindsays mom would be in town that weekend and figured that I wouldnt be spending time with her, so I called Caitlin to see if she wanted to go do something Lindsays friend, right? Lesbian, right? No risk, right?  Well, we decide that I should call her later in the week and wed figure something out.  I dont ever get around to calling her back though.

Time moves on and Lindsay and I end up seeing each other 5 days in a row.  Everything is great, like scary great.  Her mom comes to town on Saturday and they invite me to have a drink with them.  Damon and I meet up with them, have a few drinks and decide we need to go get something to eat.  Lindsay says shell call me when they leave that bar and we can hook back up with them. 

She never calls. 

Turns out that Caitlin and some of the lesbians joined them at the bar.  They were all sitting around casually and Caitlin asks Lindsay if she and I were still dating.  When she finds out we were; she tells everyone around, including Lindsays Mom, the following:

1. I wouldnt stop telling her how pretty I think she is.
2. I asked her out that first night and got her phone number.
3. I wont stop calling her even though she has asked me to stop.
4. When I ask her out, she tells me that shes a lesbian and I respond by saying, Well see about that after youre with me.
5. I asked her to keep everything secret from the other girls.

So Lindsay hears this and decides not to join up with Damon and I for the rest of the night go figure.  The next day she tells me everything, but has already made up her mind that Im guilty.  All I can do is tell what really happened, but Caitlin happens to be Lindsays best friends best friend.  So according to Lindsay, shes very trustworthy uh huh.

Now Ive absorbed some gossip and found out two interesting things. 

1. Caitlin just finished breaking up another girl and her boyfriend and convincing the girl to go lesbo.
2. Lindsays best friend Katie (other lesbo and Caitlins best friend) met with her last week to tell her how Lindsays ex-boyfriend cheated on her when they were together.

So now I suddenly see a master sinister plot developing call me Columbo.  The lesbians are trying to make Lindsay think that all guys are asses and maybe she should just stick with girls.  Headline: Lesbians are are attempting to take over the world and they are starting in Fayetteville!

The storys bottom line?  I got cock-blocked by a girl.  As a result I think Im going to become a lesbian.

-JSB

Posted by BulllBalz @ 3:22 pm EDT | Permalink | 2 Comments

JSBs Night with Capsaicin and the Scoville Scale

Originally written: Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Well, last night was a new one in my book.  It all started when I received my first Wal-Mart PO for an item I sold in.  Ive been learning the stuff and waiting for this chance for about 3 years, working on it for 13 months and finally got it.  So Joe, Julz and I decided to go to Foghorns (Hot Wing Restaurant) for some wings to celebrate.  

Monday Night Football was on so we were just chilling at first.  Julz noticed this new thing on the Foghorns menu: Super Insanity Wings 5 for $9.99.  Eat all 5 in 15 minutes to get your picture on the wall and get them for Free!  Must sign liability waiver.  Joe immediately says hes going to do it.  I opt out, wisely, and order suicidal (2nd hottest actual flavor). 

Joe, Julz and I keep talking about it and Joe challenges me.  I decide Im going to man-up and do it.  I tell Joe that Ill do it if he goes and tells the waitress to add it to my order.  Julz excitedly volunteers (thanks a lot) and the wheels of pain are set in motion.  Joe and I begin arguing whether its smarter to eat them fast or to pace yourself.   My opinion is to scarf them down.  One is as hot as 5, so get them down quick thats my plan anyway.  

The wings arrive with rubber gloves that we are required to wear.  I proceed to eat the first 3, hurting substantially, but making it.  I pick up the fourth and Im overwhelmed.  My eyes begin draining water, my nose draining something and my mouth practically combusts.  I choke down the fourth, wondering if I actually ate the chicken because I couldnt feel it.  Now, suddenly, Im one step away from victory but really, really suffering.  Julz compares Joe and my appearance to soldiers in boot camp who have been tear-gassed.

Being so close to success, I decide to forge forward.  I pick up the 5th wing, but I honestly cant control my fingers well enough to eat it.  Its like my nervous system is starting to shut down in an effort to save me.  I shove the whole wing in my mouth, being my only option, and chew the goods off the bones.  I pull the wing out of my mouth and boom!  Im done.  I finished the 5 wings in about 1 minute.

With no control over my eyes, nose, mouth and sweat glands, I lean back and look at Joe.  He is on wing #2 and in worse shape than I am.  His strategy of pacing himself has backfired and hes throwing in the towel literally.  I had thought ahead and ordered a shot of vodka to help break up the oil.  I take the shot, swish it around like mouthwash (keep in mind I cant taste anything at this point) and swallow it.  It doesnt work as well as I had hoped, but I have faith that if I can just hold on, the pain will fade in time.   True to my expectation, about 20 minutes later it has faded to the point of tolerance.

In the meantime, Joe has still given up, and is at minute 13 of 15 with 3 wings left.  Ive been mustering all of my controllable energy to ridicule him non-stop ever since he quit.  He suddenly stops, gets this crazy look in his eyes and picks up the first of the three remaining wings.  With 20 seconds left, he finishes the 5th wing and earns his place on the Foghorn wall.   

Now here is Joe, just starting on the path of torture, while Im 13 minutes into relief.  Im finally getting the chance to experience the humor that Julz had enjoyed in the midst of my pain.  This was one of the funniest experiences of my life.  Joe is pacing back and forth, spitting ice off the deck and has this brainless look in his eyes because all he can do to fight the pain is vegetate.

Realizing we just got way more than we bargained for, we asked a few questions.  Here are the fun facts:

Pepper Spiciness is measured in Scoville units

Jalapeos rank at 5,000 units

Habaneros rank at 350,000 units

This sauce was pure capsaicin at 16,000,000 units

That makes this sauce 46 times as hot as a straight habenero pepper

In 8 months and 300 attempts, only 30 or so people have completed the challenge.  5 women have attempted and 4 were successful.  (UPDATED 11/05)

In 300 attempts, only 6 that ate a substantial number have not puked at Foghorns. Of those 6, only 3 have not puked after leaving.  I am one of those 3, Joe is not. (UPDATED 11/05) 

I didnt think Id have a problem the night of.  I figured the 2nd pain would come the day after.  Unfortunately, I was up all night with honest to goodness chest pains.  I guess my body was fighting the good fight.  Now Im just sitting here, uneasy in the stomach, drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper that tastes like water, counting down the time until my friend john down the hall screams my name again.  When he does, Ill run to him praying that I dont get steam burns when the bad begins.  

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

-JSB

Posted by BulllBalz @ 3:21 pm EDT | Permalink | 0 Comments

Some Friends, Some Drinks, Some Police and Some Crazy Guy

Some Friends, Some Drinks, Some Police and Some Crazy Guy

**Names have been changed to protect the innocent. **

If I told most of my friends that I was being disarmed next to 2 Police cars, 1 Sherriffs car and 1 Ambulance at my house at 5:30AM on a Sunday morning, their response would be something along the lines of, what did you get yourself into now?  Not that Ive ever been in trouble with the law, nor have I ever created an issue similar to thisbut, I tend to be in some peculiar situations from time to time.  *For an example, see my blog about Fayettevilles Sinister underground.

So what the heck happened?  Well it all started Saturday.  A friend of mine Frank and I are going to go out and decide that some trivia at Buffalo Wild Wings would be fun.  We decide to invite some folks, but everyone cancels at the last minute.  It ends up being Frank, his girlfriend Bambi and I.  Bambi invites her cousin, Steve, who lives in Centerton.  Hes about my age, works as a systems developer and is a generally good guy.

We go to BWW around 8pm and close them down at 12am.  Frank, Bambi and I had our fair share of drinks, but drank some water to slow down so we could drive home at close.  Steve drank a total of 2 BudLites.  Big drinker, eh? 

Once BWW closes, Im ready to head home, but Bambi really, really wants to go to Dickson.  We head to one of my favorite spots that is closed, but they are having a birthday party for a friend and we crash it.  We know most everyone, so its a good time.  We have a few more drinks, watch the roast of Pamela Anderson on Comedy Central and bust a gut. 

Again, I start drinking water (Im trying to be responsible here) and am in good condition to drive.  Frank and Bambi are in worse shape, so I tell them to ride with me and crash at my place.  Steve is on his own, I dont know him and hes probably had 2 more beers since we left BWW, but thats all.  Bambi seems to think he has had too much, so she drags him into the car with us.  I overhear a weird discussion, but it stopped quickly and I didnt pick it all up so I started driving.

From Dickson to Farmington we go and all is good.  We arrive at my place and as were getting out of the car, Steve starts saying some weird stuff.  It seems like hes starting trouble, but hes not being aggressive so I head on in and let Frank and Bambi deal with it.  On my way in, Steve bows up to Frank and they start yelling so I walk back over and separate them.  They both say everything is cool and I go on inside. 

I decided that I didnt want Pike, my Newfoundland, in the same room overnight with Steve, so I go to take her into my room.  Shes clumsy and doesnt handle the wood floor very well, so I go out around the back to take her in the patio door to my room.  While Pike and I are walking around, I hear Bambi scream crazy from the front yard.  This just flips a switch in my head and I jump across the bed, punch in the finger combination on my gun safe and grab my HK .45.  Being smart enough to not run around holding a gun, I stuff it in the back of my jeans and make for the front door. 

I jerk open the door and see Frank and Steve locked in a standing grappling.  I bolt to the car and give Steve a stiff shoulder to break them up.  Bambi is in tears and Frank is yelling at Steve, while Steve just looks really confused.   I realize theres some bigger thing going on, so I tell Bambi to go inside and surprisingly, she does.  Im walking Frank away and he is telling me what the issue is.  He says that Steve always acts weird around Bambi and now hes trying to grope her and hug her and stuff.   Of course, Bambi isnt any happier about this than Frank is, so shes upset and trying to control her cousin. 

I successfully get Frank and Bambi inside and start trying to deal with Steve.  It takes me about 5 seconds of talking to the guy before I realize he not only has a screw loose, hes missing a couple.  Delusional? Yeah. Crazy? Yeah. A threat? Probably not.  However, hes sure as heck not staying at my place, so I tell him to get in my car and that Id drive him home. 

He immediately refuses and tries to run inside, so I restrain him and rip him away from the house.  I push him out in the yard and try to explain that Im a friend and that I just want to get him home.  He looks me straight in the face and says, I dont even know who you are. 

Im like, Steve, we drank all night together, I gave you a ride here and now Ill give you a ride home. 

He doesnt respond at all.  So I say, What kind of music do you like? 

Anything but country! He responds. 

That fits well with me, so I say, Ive got some great new music.  You should come listen to it.  I get in the drivers seat, open his door and start up the car.  He starts walking toward the car, so I fire up the tunes.  I hit random on my MP3 player, knowing that its almost all new Christian Rock that he never would have heard.  What starts playing?  Gavin DeGraw, the one secular artist on my  MP3 player!

He immediately takes a step back and says, Thats not new music.  I know that song!  Who are you?!?...I know you, youre with the Government.  You want to kidnap me! Then turns and starts running down the street. 

So now Ive confirmed hes a delusional paranoidwell, that or Im confused about my job. 

My choices? 

     1) I could let him run away and write it off as not my problem.
     2) I could chase after a crazy guy and hope for the best.

What did I pick?  #2 of course; I chased him down.  I could just see him walk into someone elses house and get shot.  That would suckeven for a crazy guy.

Before I caught up with him, I dumped the gun in some tall grass.  At this point I figured he was so far gone that I could take him if I needed to.  By the way, he was bigger than me and my Taekwondo is a little rusty since my last class in 3rd grade.

I caught up with him, got on the other side of him and herded him back to my yard like a sheep.  Bambi then comes out, still crying to see what is happening.  He sees her and has another episode.

Who is that? He says. 

I say, you dont know her.  His response?

Thats my wife isnt it?!?  You have my wife.  Ah, crap. 

I talk him down, but he keeps asking about his wife Bambi and their kids.  This dude is single with no kids and obviously isnt married to his cousin.  Not even in Arkansas.

At this point, hes convinced that Im out to hurt him so he starts threatening me.  He keeps stepping up to me and I keep talking him down.  I was soooo close to just waylaying this guy, tying him up and letting him sleep it off, but I restrained myself. 

He finally decides that his and my relationship isnt going anywhere, so he is now going to walk home.  Genius.  Hes 35 miles away from Centerton, doesnt even know who he is and its about 40 degrees out.  He starts walking, I try to stop him and he again calls me a Government agentI could only wish because then Id have handcuffsnot the fuzzy kind. 

I grab him and he flips out.  He starts quietly repeating, I need help, I need help, youre out to get me, I need help.  Sooooo, I think to myself, who could help himother than a zoo keeper with a heavy tranq gun?  Maybe he would trust the police, they arent Federalplus, theyd be a help to me. 

So I tell him that Im going to call the police if he doesnt relax.  He asks me to call them because he needs help from me.  Yes, hes still brilliant.  So I oblige him and call the outstanding 5mph ticket writers of Farmington.  While Im on the phone with the 9-1-1 operator, he starts trying to bow up to me again.  Im actually physically hitting him with little jabs in the chest to keep him at a distance.  The whole time the 9-1-1 operator is telling me, The police are on their way.  I ask, How far out are they?  His response? Im not sure, but theyll be there soon.  Really? Thanks.  After 3 of these responses, I realized he wasnt going to be much help, so I kindly told him that I need both hands to fight and needed to hang up.  The operator actually says OK and lets me go.

The police arrive on the scene and confirm what I had suspected.  He was wacko.  Apparently, he had a pinched nerve in his neck and had taken muscle relaxers, which didnt mix well with the BudLite.  After calling an ambulance and determining he wasnt a threat to a cab driver, we called a cab to take him home.   Guess who footed the bill for the $60 ride home?  Yep, you guessed it. 

After that, I went to bed, woke up and played golf.  Im still tired.


Posted by BulllBalz @ 3:20 pm EDT | Permalink | 0 Comments