"Here, Hold My Beer!"

(I originally posted this in my clan forum on Halo Launch Day.  I was asked to add it here, as well.) These are the words that I could have heard last night. Let me set the stage for you. It was parent teacher conference day and I was coming home at 5:00. Realize, no teacher likes to work until 5:00. I was tired and ready to sit on my couch and play a night of shotties on Midship with my girls. I turned onto the street and what to my wondering eyes did appear but Rogue's uncle's truck, Rogue's aunt's car, and a flatbed wrecker-- all parked in my yard. Our neighbors will soon be moving so we bought a large metal shed from them. Large enough that it had to be moved by a "professional." That would be the reason for the flatbed wrecker. Our driveway has a steep incline that levels off. They load the shed onto wrecker and begin backing it up my driveway. I notice that they are heading straight for the power line that attaches to my house. I think, "Maybe they will hit level ground before they reach it and it will fit under." No luck. Soon I see sparks begin to fly as the line touches the metal roof. "Bubba" starts yelling, "Ho-- ho-- We're hitting it. Hmmmm. Let's try it again." After three rounds of this "Bubba" realizes the line is not going to be kind enough to raise itself. On to the next plan. They give MY HUSBAND (he's tall, you know) a 2x4 and stand him on a METAL LADDER to attempt to raise the line over the top of the roof of this building. I ushered my children into the backyard in hopes that they didn't witness their daddy frying past original recipe straight into extra crispy. I turned my back. After several tries it is determined that this plan, however masterful it may have been, was not to be successful, either. On to plan three. Rogue's aunt looks at me and says (in a very disturbed voice), "They want Joey to stand in the bed of his truck and lift that wire over the roof." WHAT? Please repeat yourself, I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood you. It sounded like you said that they just asked my husband to sit in the electric chair while they test the current. Say again? I turn around to see Rogue backing up his truck. Now I normally do not question Rogue, and ESPECIALLY not in front of other folks, but this was too much. I go stomping into the front yard, while steadily losing I.Q. points and teeth. I arrived in the front yard a full fledged Redneck Woman. I'm near shouting, "Do I need to call Scott, do I?" (He is my best friend's husband, and an electrical engineer.) Everyone gives me this, "Oh, stupid, stupid woman. We have this COMPLETELY under control" look. So then I got really bold. "No. Stop. I'm calling Gary right now! (Gary is our friend who is a line-man who lives at the end of the hill.) Just wait. No!" I go flying into the house, knowing full well that when I get out of sight they are going to laugh at little Dummy Dimples and start again. I am not sure if Gary even understood 3 words of my tirade including "no idea what they are doing," "burn my house down," and "trying to kill my husband," but he quickly promised to come right on. When I returned outside to throw myself under the electrified building to protest anymore movement until Gary arrived, it slowly began to sink in what a scene I must have just caused. "Bubba" and his partner, "Bubba," were now leaning against Rogue's truck and everyone was waiting on Gary. Bubba looks at me and says, "Safety first, huh?" with this chastising smile. Oh, go suck on a pig's foot, Bubba-- or that electrified building would do. Gary arrives, not on a white horse, but on a muddy 4-wheeler. At that point, and considering my Redneck alter ego had not yet fully subsided, I'll take it. I returned to the back yard and soon the shed is being nestled into her new home. I go into the house, check the electricity, and then moseyed out to see what Gary was staring up at. "I'm gonna have to go get a truck," he says. "They fried your line. All of it." He leaves to get the bucket truck, another city employee, and punch in for the THREE HOURS of overtime it took him to replace the line coming into our house. After he finished he said, "Well, you would have had some real problems tonight." Just imagine how upset Rogue would have been if the house would have caught on fire last night, or even worse, if the power would have gone out right after he got his copy of Halo 3!

Posted by DixieBelle on Wed Sep 26, 2007 @ 5:12 pm EDT | 12 Comments