Seeing with new eyes

I have been going through a lot of things in the last few weeks. I've done a lot of soul searching, and lot of re-finding myself. I've recently been in contact with an old love. Things between her and me, didn't quiet go the way things were planned (Do They Ever). We've been rekindling our past romance, however this time we are taking things slow. The first time through we rushed things, we jumped into things head first. Overall I would like to think that things were good between me and her, but we had our problems, and our problems were big, and eventually led to the downfall of our relationship. (To all my friends reading this, I will tell you who it is when the time is right). Since getting back together, we've been talking about the problems we had when we were together. She said she thought one of our biggest issues was trust, that I don't trust her. Sadly the exact opposite is true, I do trust her, trust her with my heart and my life, I've told her things no once else knows. But deep down inside I knew I had a trust issue, not with her, but somewhere in my confusing and complicated mind there was a problem. So last night, I decided to do some research. I love the internet, full of a lot of good information (and some not so good). I ended up on this site that listed out all these different trust related issues, and I stumbled across this one:

I-expect-things-to-go-bad-&-I-seem-to-make-them-go-bad
trust issues

People come to me complaining of trust issues sometimes saying they are so anxious in relationships that they get overly controlling, overly paranoid and accusatory, and generally emotionally abusive. They say they find themselves watching themselves do this, unable to exert any control over their own behavior. They ultimately cause the demise of valued relationships while panicking about the loss while they do it.

This is a trust issue. However, it's usually more an issue of not trusting one's self. For the individual who does this to him- or herself without good cause, there's usually an underlying assumption of unworthiness of a good relationship. There's a belief that the relationship is an accident. There's a pervasive sense of being extremely let-go-able that seems to increase over time. ("S/He can't possibly really be in love with me," .... "S/He will be cheating on me, if it's not already happening -- I just know it." .... "It's only a matter of time until I'm abandoned again." .... "I can't stand not knowing!" .... "I'm going to confront her/him as soon as I get home!" .... "I'm NOT going to stand for this!")

This is often also an anxiety problem about "knowing." Some people -- especially survivors of violations of trust -- spend all sorts of time telling themselves they need to KNOW what's going to happen in their relationship -- is it going to last or be trashed. This is in spite of the fact that they really don't and can't "Know" anything much for sure about anything ("Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real...? What if you were unable to awaken from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?" -- Morpheus, in The Matrix). Unfortunately, the only way to KNOW what is going to happen with something in this world is to trash it. If you want to know if your car will last through the year, the only way to KNOW is to drive it into a lake. If you want to KNOW if your child will ever be successful, the only way to KNOW is to kill him. If you want to KNOW if you will keep your job, quit. If you want to KNOW if your relationship will last, trash it, end it, and you'll know.  

Have you ever read something and it just click, you get to that point where you can actually see the light bulb appear above your head. That is exactly what happened when I read this. Sadly the above for mentioned person is me. I don't trust myself, hmmm its kind of hard to think that way isn't it. We always put such emphasis on trusting others, without really taking the time to realize we need to trust ourselves as well. Ever since I read this I've been gleaming, I always knew there was something wrong, just didn't know what. Now I do, and god this makes me so damn happy. I've been excited ever since. Luckily I get to see her tonight, and I'm going to share this with her, and finally open all these thoughts I had while we were together. Since I know what the problem is now, I'm hoping that me and her can work thru this problem together. I think me having this trust issue was the cause of alot of the problems me and her had. Anyway, even though I have a problem I'm so damn happy today that I know what the problem is....its kind of like seeing the world with a brand new set of eyes.

On a side note, my ex-wife and I recently agreed to put our autistic son on a nutritional supplement, we've heard people say wonderful things about it and their testimonies of the tremendous results with their autistic children on it. I thought it was a good idea, it has nothing harmful in it, and no side effects, what could it hurt?  Hes been on it about a week, and there has been astounding results. Last night I was over at the ex-wifes hanging out, and she came in from his room in tears... We all looked at her and asked what was wrong, she looked at me with the largest smile on her face and said "He called me Mommie, he has never called me Mommie before."

Posted by elvendarkmage on Thu Nov 15, 2007 @ 12:35 pm EDT | 4 Comments