Flapjaxx's Blog - 2old2play

Halloween is going to suck this year!

An email I just received...

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DA..DA..DA.. Another One Bites the DUST.

Got RROD? I DO! The Elites aren't immune either- in case you were wondering.

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Having a Bad Day?

Just think....

It could be worse!

Happy HUMP Day!

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Weird Things You May Not Know

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults world-wide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to o take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt , priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.

*Disclaimer* I have not tested each of these to find out if they are all true...

Happy HUMP Day!!

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When your logo isn't what you had in mind...

This is just to hopefully bring a smile to you on this long Thursday afternoon... Happy Thirsty Thursday!!

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Saturday Workfest

Soooo... I got to work this morning at 0830. Basically, we are getting a new server installed, and there was a botched attempt to install it yesterday morning. Long story short, the tech guy ran into some difficulties, although our test run went spectacular. Soooo, I'll be here for as long as it takes to get this thing installed and up and running for GOOD because I am the IT guru as far as our system is concerned here. That also means that during this LONG day, there will be no internet to browse. BOO. I can't believe how dependent I have become on having the internet...at work no less. Not that I don't get all my work done that I should, but for that 2 minute break away from the madness, I need the internet. I need 2o2p. So, while you are getting your Saturday chores and errands done, think of me sitting in my office.. at my desk... with no internet all day. My boss was kind enough to leave me some files to work on that I can work off of my hard driver- woo hoo! I figured I'd use my last few minutes of internet to say-- have a great Saturday!!! I'll be drinking hardcore and playing Halo til the wee hours of the morning tonight!! Unless of course I crash from being up early on a Saturday.

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Government Health "Warning"

DO NOT SWALLOW BUBBLE GUM!!!

Oh well- at least it's Friday!!

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Rules of Life

Take a look at these "rules of life" and see if any of them apply to you.

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content..

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

18. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

19. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

20. Isn't having a smoking section in restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. Marriage changes passion... Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

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Reflection About Old Age

Well, I can't take credit for this, as it was sent to me by a friend. But I must say it has a very good message, and worth the read.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, or my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant-garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love... I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.

And I shall eat dessert every single day.

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Fun things to do at work

(to brighten up a dull day and worry your coworkers.)

Just a little humor to pass the time... Happy HUMP Day!

1. Totally ignore the first five people who say "Good Morning" to you.

2. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".

3. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

4. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "mmmmmm that feels soooo good!"

5. Leave your fly's open for one hour. If anyone points it out say, "Sorry I really prefer it this way, it lets the smell out".

6. In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out YAHTZEE".

7. Walk sideways to the photocopier, crab style.

8. Say to your manager, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

9. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, cause I don't want to repeat it".

10. Press the "no cup option" on the coffee machine, kneel down and drink directly from the nozzle.

11. At the end of a meeting, suggest that for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the National Anthem (extra respect if you actually launch into it yourself).

12.Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch off & on 10 times.

13. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak with as "Barbara"

14. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for 1 hour.

15.In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up dammit, all of you just shut up".

16. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I will never go hungry again".

17.In a colleague's diary, write in 10:00 am; "see how I look in tights".

18.Carry your keyboard over to your colleague, and ask, "do you want to trade?"

19.Come to work in army camouflage and when asked why, say,” II can't talk about it".

20. Hang a 2 foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your trousers and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

21. Disappear into the toilets and emerge with your trousers over your head, then commence a 2 minute sprint around the office whilst holding your hands out to your side and making airplane noises. Return back to the toilets, get dressed again and return quietly to your seat as if nothing had happened.

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Thanksgiving Idea

Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!
You should try this! Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.

2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully.
(see picture below for details)

3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.

4. Watch your guests' faces................

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It pays to be careful around old people!

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again ...he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

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Another year has gone by.....

.......and my hubby still knows me so well. We celebrated our 3 year wedding Anniversary on Tuesday & our 10 year being together Anniversary a few weeks ago. With all the years, we really don't do a "gift" for the Anniversary- we splurge enough on ourselves enough throughout the year (2 Elites in our house, etc.).... Soooo... what did I get anyway??

Excellent!!! I got the Halo calendar for part of my Birthday present, and this awesome t for our Anniversary!! (Thanks to TDrag and her blogging, Jonny got this great idea!) Too bad it's so cold out already, and I can't sport it quite yet!

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Preparing for a long weekend....

Well luckily Jonny and I were able to bank up a couple of days vacation to spend a long weekend at home with our Elites and our Halo 3 disc(s). As of 5pm today, I will be free until Monday am. Woo hoo! To top things off, it's a Birthday weekend (ironically the same week of Halo 3's release- would ya look at that??) Friday's my big day and I have never been off work on my birthday! How fun! We're hoping to finish up the campaign between tonight and tomorrow and be free for the matchmaking/custom games for Friday night's clan night!
Speaking of Birthdays, I know it's not exciting at ALL when you're older.... but... one of the ladies I work with feels differently... She gets a cake for everyone in the office for their birthday (makes it a big "secret" and hides it and then we are all called in for a fake 'meeting'). I am all over this office though for everything, so unfortunately she did a not-so-great job hiding the cake she brought for me... (celebrating today since I won't be here Friday). It's cute though. Now I'm anxiously awaiting the "fake" meeting we will be having so I can blow out the candles and be surprised!!

Edit: We just did the cake thing. I kid you not, my co-workers cut out pictures of Master Chief and put them along the front and a big one on the top. Yes, I'm a dork and they all know it!!!

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So you think you know everything?

This was a forward I rec'd today from someone at work, so I thought I'd share it. Of course that's cheating, but I don't think there are any "real" rules for blogging. So... if any of these are not true, don't hold me accountable!! It's cute, and that's all I'm going for on a Friday afternoon.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand ...

And "lollipop" is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".? (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is.)

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors .

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

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