One more blog about the end of my marriage.

So it's coming soon, I have the final draft in my hands, and simply need to pay the lawyer and set a court date. God I'm so pissed off right now, I try to be nice and give her a heads up about an important part of the decree, only to get it thrown back in my face like you owe me then you get what you want. Got news for you, the state tells you what is and isn't gonna happen. The Judge gets a little pissy and vindictive when you tell him no especially when it comes to the kids... But what you do is your choice, just trying to be a nice guy and not see you fall any father into a downward spiral. That's the great part of divorce, I no longer have to care. You want to be friends, I've told you the conditions by which that can happen, and it has nothing to do with money. Do right by the kids, be a part of their life, not a part of it at your convenience. THEY DESERVE BETTER, but I've grown tired of telling you this, how they want you, and how you can do that. You're on your own now, the relationship you have with them is yours to make, succeed or fail, again I no longer care how you handle it.....

What happens when gamers make life decisions...

You know, planning with your loved one about your future can be a many splendored thing. Fairy and I were talking about the distant future. Making varied comments about people whom have a tendency to take things way too far when it comes to things. Like the people whom get married on line with WoW or Everquest. For the die hard Cubs fan who can be buried in a replica of the Wrigley Field center field back wall. People whom do Cos-play can fall into that, but I'll leave them alone. Considering I had a Michael Jackson Thriller Jacket and glove as a child (but still have my nose). I was talking about my last wish after I die, I have few hobbies, gaming and coffee pretty much being it. So I was thinking I wanted to be cremated, and then have my ashes placed into a hollowed out Xbox, one where there is a little electronic device that when you push the power button, the lights come on and the box plays the startup sound for you. Have my Name; DoB/DoD; The whole loving father/husband thing. But also add my gamertag to the engraving on the side of the Xbox. Even thought it would be funny to have it RROD every once in a while.... After laughing my ass off for a few minutes. I started to look at the other side of that spectrum; a wedding. Though it's long down the road, Mel and I were discussing it. To make a long story short, I've done the whole Catholic wedding and the Las Vegas wedding (married twice/ divorced twice) Thought it would be funny to have a set of Black and White Xbox controllers on top of a wedding cake, then the thought occurred to me to have the wedding cake made into an Xbox. Along the lines of Chef Duff on Food Network. Yes I know it's been done before, more than once from this group I bet...

The approaching holidays

A single parent has to make a lot of decisions in the face of adversity, I finally am beginning to understand that. As most of you know, I grew up as a single child.Having to learn early that I had to depend on myself for a lot of things. Getting up and off to school, getting homework done, feeding myself. Because my mom was working to keep me in a home and food and clothes. My dad was present, and doing what he needed to to help out. Now I am the single father, I do ok, the kids needs are met, they have food and clothes, they have my attention when I'm not working. Occasionally I get to provide their wants. I'm seeking some assistance from outside sources this Christmas. Also pulling some overtime to get the kids something that all of us love to do together. I realize in times like this that my mom struggled more than I thought she did. I understood the concept of why she was at work so much, but not the reasons. Which I am slowly learning now. I will do anything for my kids, put my nose to any grindstone laid in front of me. But I want my kids to understand that while I may not be present for them at the moment, what I am doing is going to give us time to share when things get a little better. They will have my attention the moment after I do what needs to be done, and that need for my attention is satisfied in them. I let them know I love them, I say it, I act it, and I live it for them... I hope they can see and understand that sooner than I did as a child. Simply so they don't have the rebellious struggles I did as a teen. They have someone whom they can depend on to be there for them, in words and in actions. That being said, I'm looking forward to this Christmas.

In order to say goodbye...

What does it really take to say goodbye? Are they just words to put in your mouth and say to end a situation or a relationship? Or do you put thought and feeling into it, weigh the outcomes and finally realize that is what must be done? Ask yourself that for a moment, look at the opportunities you've had to say goodbye at. Which one are you, one to say goodbye at the beginning and then sort out the emotions and thought after all is said and done? Or do you start that process before, knowing that goodbye is something you may come to, weigh out the truth and consequences before hand? How you deal with the world and how it deals with you are can be summarized in how you greet something and how you say goodbye to it. People who are drawn to drama are people who revel in the emotion of goodbye. Obviously thoughtful people are the opposite. But can one kind of person be able to deal with the opposite side of goodbye? Can they make good decisions afterwards? I said goodbye not too long ago, I still think about it, I still feel about it. I said goodbye knowing it was coming. Knowing it was a decision I made in the best light. But knowing I said goodbye and that it hurts still and will for a very long time to come is a hard thing to deal with. I chose to say goodbye the first time, I stick by that decision. The second time was far more emotional and I can't be sure if I'll be able to sort it out and deal with it before I realize it's just easier to stick it in the goodbye box I had already started in the first place and put it on the shelf. It deserves better than that, but better and easier is a tough choice to make right now. a very hard fucking choice.

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So here I lie in bed, thinking of the day part 2

 Well, I am simply waiting for my divorce to be finalized, I'm now working at home. And let me tell you the commute from my bed to my office desk is a bitch..LOL. But things are weird in my head, I don't know where to go from here. The kids are in school, my daughter and my family and friends are really supportive and yet I feel like I've just UN accomplished so much. Letting the stress and emotions of 10 years with of commitment is finally starting to sink in. All of the things that can be seen and planned and prepared for are the easy part. The routine I'm creating is easy. But the difficult part is these emotions that just walk up and put their hand on your shoulder. Not asking you to do anything, just letting you know that they're there. Those are my problem, I don't deal well with emotion, though I have learned to do better than in my past. They're like old friends that stop by and while you're friends you really just kinda sit there and take 5 minutes to catch up and then 20 in silence. Damn, sounds like coffee house babble. I love the coffee, but hate the atmosphere they provide...