Your patriotic duty

Got this email from the wife this morning.  Sounds like a great way to spend the weekend to me!

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman
other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does
So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk
out of their house completely naked to help weed out any
neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in
front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they
think its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to
show support for all American women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is
further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American
government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds
your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God Bless America !
 

My Quest For Cleanliness!!!

I'm getting on in years now (ripe old age of 32) and its important to look after your health. So the wife and I decided to start a body cleanse today. Its some cleanse program that she got from work and so far it seems pretty harmless. This one actually allows you to continue normal eating habits, assuming you don't eat junk constantly. It says to eat healthy sensible meals which we pretty much do anyway. The last one we tried, all you could have was water and the crappy pills and powder they gave you. No food or other drink for 10 days. Yeah. We lasted about 2 days on that one.

So I have better hopes for this one. You take 3 pills 1/2 hour before dinner, then you drink a scoop of powder with water 1/2 hour after dinner and then take 3 different pills before bed. Pretty simple. Once a day. BING, BOOM, BAM. You're done. Its not spread out over the whole day as a meal replacement. So that's a big plus. Its still 10 days but I feel like it will be much easier to complete this one. Being able to actually eat is helpful that way.

The only drawback to this program so far is that one of the top tips for success is to eliminate caffeine (specifically coffee) and alcohol during the course. That's gonna be a tough one for me. Not so much the alcohol, but the coffee for sure. I usually have 1-2 cups in the morning to get me going and wake me up. I'm definately gonna get the coffee withdrawals for the first couple days. But if that's the price for a purer me then so be it. And it just so happens that 10 days from now will be my poker night this month. So that means I can cut loose and enjoy myself again that night. WOO HOO. Of course, I'll probably be so clean and pure by then that I'll get totally obliterated off one beer and lose all my cash.

I am very excited about one thing with this cleanse deal. The "more frequent and comfortable bowel movements". Exact words in the booklet, I kid you not. I enjoy a good round on the throne and to be able to do it more often and in more comfort than usual? SIGN ME UP BROTHER! I will also take this opportunity to conduct a small experiment. Since I can still eat normally, in theory any weight I lose will be mostly from toxins and other gunk built up inside me. I am curious to see how full of shit I actually am since people have been telling me that for years! Can't wait to tangibly quantify it.

So anyway, that's the big news in our lives this week. God, I'm getting old if that's the most exciting thing I've got going on now. I'll let you all know how it went when we're finished. Until next time readers, I bid you farewell and wish frequent and comfortable B.M.'s upon you all!

Today's funny

TGIF!!!! Joke of the day

Here's a joke my buddy sent me to cap off the week.  Everyone have a great weekend!!!!

Three  Labrador retrievers -- one brown,  one
yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting
room at the vet's  surgery when they struck up a
conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown  and said, "So why are
you here?" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss  on everything
--the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final  straw was last
night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The  black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off,"  came the reply from
the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The  black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The  yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for
the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I  went over
the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's  couch.

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks  like I'm
losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow,  the
table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday,
my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her
toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started humping away".

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and
said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get
my nails clipped."

Joke of the day

Got this from the wife this morning......

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,

And accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"