Mr_Duke_Togo's Blog - 2old2play

Your patriotic duty

Got this email from the wife this morning. Sounds like a great way to spend the weekend to me!

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman
other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does
So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk
out of their house completely naked to help weed out any
neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in
front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they
think its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to
show support for all American women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is
further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American
government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds
your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God Bless America !

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My Quest For Cleanliness!!!

I'm getting on in years now (ripe old age of 32) and its important to look after your health. So the wife and I decided to start a body cleanse today. Its some cleanse program that she got from work and so far it seems pretty harmless. This one actually allows you to continue normal eating habits, assuming you don't eat junk constantly. It says to eat healthy sensible meals which we pretty much do anyway. The last one we tried, all you could have was water and the crappy pills and powder they gave you. No food or other drink for 10 days. Yeah. We lasted about 2 days on that one.

So I have better hopes for this one. You take 3 pills 1/2 hour before dinner, then you drink a scoop of powder with water 1/2 hour after dinner and then take 3 different pills before bed. Pretty simple. Once a day. BING, BOOM, BAM. You're done. Its not spread out over the whole day as a meal replacement. So that's a big plus. Its still 10 days but I feel like it will be much easier to complete this one. Being able to actually eat is helpful that way.

The only drawback to this program so far is that one of the top tips for success is to eliminate caffeine (specifically coffee) and alcohol during the course. That's gonna be a tough one for me. Not so much the alcohol, but the coffee for sure. I usually have 1-2 cups in the morning to get me going and wake me up. I'm definately gonna get the coffee withdrawals for the first couple days. But if that's the price for a purer me then so be it. And it just so happens that 10 days from now will be my poker night this month. So that means I can cut loose and enjoy myself again that night. WOO HOO. Of course, I'll probably be so clean and pure by then that I'll get totally obliterated off one beer and lose all my cash.

I am very excited about one thing with this cleanse deal. The "more frequent and comfortable bowel movements". Exact words in the booklet, I kid you not. I enjoy a good round on the throne and to be able to do it more often and in more comfort than usual? SIGN ME UP BROTHER! I will also take this opportunity to conduct a small experiment. Since I can still eat normally, in theory any weight I lose will be mostly from toxins and other gunk built up inside me. I am curious to see how full of shit I actually am since people have been telling me that for years! Can't wait to tangibly quantify it.

So anyway, that's the big news in our lives this week. God, I'm getting old if that's the most exciting thing I've got going on now. I'll let you all know how it went when we're finished. Until next time readers, I bid you farewell and wish frequent and comfortable B.M.'s upon you all!

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Today's funny

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, The Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

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TGIF!!!! Joke of the day

Here's a joke my buddy sent me to cap off the week. Everyone have a great weekend!!!!

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one
yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting
room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a
conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are
you here?" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything
--the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from
the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for
the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over
the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm
losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the
table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday,
my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her
toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started humping away".

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and
said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get
my nails clipped."

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Joke of the day

Got this from the wife this morning......

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,

And accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"

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Vegas baby, Vegas!!!

Well its not really Vegas, but it is poker night at the Togo mansion. I have a regular monthly game for some of my friends and family at my pad. It's a time where we can get together, play some cards, win/lose some money and just hang out and relax after the long work week. Usually have a pretty good turn out too...between 8-12 people on average. $10 minimum starting buy-ins gets a little cash flow going into the mix. Its a great time and I look forward to it each month. I thought about expanding it to maybe twice a month, but between my schedule and the wife's I don't think that can be done.

What's poker without 1) beer and 2) tasty treats? Well we always have an abundance of beer so that's never a problem. However people always seem to skimp out on the treats. Now I start my game at 7pm and most people have to drive a bit to get to my house, so there really is no time for a real dinner for anyone. I always try to provide at least a few snacks, but I'll be hornswaggled if I'm gonna foot the whole bill. So I depend on others to augment my offerings. We usually get a few bags of chips if we're lucky. Sometimes some dip to go with it. Now I don't know about you, but when I get hungry I want REAL FOOD, not chips. This time however we should have a decent spread. I'm gonna go all out and make some hot wings and taquitos. Giving the pizza poppers a rest this go 'round....the wife thinks we need variety. Could be a bad choice as the poppers have been a staple of poker since Day 1. We'll see. Also, my good buddy Carrie is bringing her AMAZING spinach dip. Hopefully others will follow suit and step up the snacks...I have been dropping less than subtle hints.

I never know quite what to expect when we all get together either. I have such a wide range of friends that its hard to tell how people will relate. Some gel really well, others not so well. There are a few clashing personalities and its always fun to see what happens when you mix them. It's like my own private chemistry experiment. For example, last time one of my buddies (who has a bit of a temper) got more than a little agitated that he AGAIN lost all his money. Rather than blame his own skills he blamed the person that took the money. He got a little upset and said he was sick of ALWAYS losing ALL his money to this person. Now, he usually loses his dough, but I think he maybe lost to this particular person one other time in the history of our game. He proceeded to get up from the table, walk outside to "smoke" and then launch into a giant raging tirade about how pissed he was and how sick he was of losing to so and so. We could all totally still hear him outside and we just laughed.

Another friend of mine (we'll call him "Biff") has some "quirks" if you will. One of Biff's quirks is that he is extremely superstitious. A few games back, someone brought out a penny to use as a card holder. Well you would have thought that someone just layed down a dead body on the table by his reaction. He freaked out and started going on and on about how he can't play cards if there is a penny on the table. That penny will suck all his luck/mojo/powers/whatever out and cause him to lose all night. After much ballyhooing, the penny was removed and the game continued. This event and my friend's fear of pennies lived on however and we used it as a cautionary tale to all new players. We still rib Biff about it from time to time and this is fueled by the fact that Biff now brings a plastic cube with suspended pennies in it to every game as his luck piece. His reasoning is that this is ok because the pennies don't touch the table. He's just asking for trouble. So. last game, one of my old buddies (we'll call him "Cake") was finally able to make it for the first time so we warned him about Biff and the penny. Biff and Cake also know each other from way back when we all used to work together. Cake is a pretty easy going dude but he likes to push people's buttons sometimes.

As the night progressed, Biff and Cake discussed the penny issue a couple of times over a smoke. Biff explained his reasoning and Cake seemingly understood. After one particularly long hand in which Biff and Cake were going head to head and Biff won, we decided it was time for a break. The smokers (including Cake) all got up to go outside. As Cake got up he turned to Biff and said "Good hand dude. Here's something extra" and he flipped a bright shiny penny down on the table right next to Biff's stack. We all laughed but Biff lost it. He started ranting and raving about disrespect and rudeness and all manner of thing and then actually started gathering up his stuff to leave! We all just stared in disbelief. WTF? He is seriously leaving over a PENNY??? I told him not to go over something so dumb but he was all butt hurt. Finally one of my buds said "F it dude. Let him go home if he's gonna be a little girl about a penny. No one wants that here. Just go home!". Well apparently this calling out showed Biff that he was indeed being a little baby and he decided to stay....but not after having a 30 minute heart to heart with Cake outside. Fun times indeed.

So yeah, my poker nights are fun and crazy and you never know what kind of drama you're gonna get. All I know is its nice to hang with friends and family. Oh, and I'm now on a two game losing streak so I think tonight's the night I turn stuff around. I plan to win big tonight....Papa needs a new video game!

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Rude Awakening of Optimus Prime

If you grew up with Transformers like I did, then this should be freaking hilarious!

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Home Theater!!!!!

Well after many months of planning, buying and waiting, the home theater is now complete. Last weekened we purchased our PS3/Blu-Ray player and a couple days ago we finally got some dudes over to wire in the speakers. After several hours of wiring, hooking everything up, configuring and testing, the Man Cave is ready to rock. I have a few small things left to do with the decorating, but it is mostly finished. I busted out a few movies to run the speakers through their paces and its sounding pretty sweet. I'll probably continue tweaking it, or maybe just have someone come out and professionally calibrate everything, but for now its great to have some good sound again. I sure missed the floor shaking, wall rattling bass while it was away.

I'm looking forward to getting some more Blu-Ray movies as well. We picked up Spider-Man 3 so far and its pretty good. I've got the 5 disk collector's edition of Blade Runner on the way too, as well as 300 (no collection is complete without this one). I'm excited to settle in and watch some HD goodness this weekend. The wife is also looking forward to jamming on RockBand with the new setup...and I must say I am too. I fired up COD4 for the first time today on the new set up and I was blown away. It sounded like I was in the middle of an all out war...bullets whizzing by and grenades landing behind me. Very nice.

Its been a long time coming but I'm glad its finally done. The movie-phile in me was getting restless for sure. I'll try to post some pictures up soon too....the framed posters and wall sconces look especially nice I think. I guess now I'll have to actually go through with the viewing party I've been talking about.

Well, I'm off now. As I said I still have some tweaking to do so its back to work. Catch you later faithful readers!

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I AM LEGEND

Apparently I am some sort of legend around these parts. First, some backstory.

So as some of you faithful readers may know, I am selling all my old toys and stuff on eBay. Sales have been good and the profits have afforded me a level of comfort and luxury one can only dream of. Not really, but I have been able to buy a lot of cool things I've been wanting for a while.

At any rate, in order to rake in the maximum profits I offer my goods worldwide. As you can imagine, there are lots of foreign dudes that want our USA stuff. I've shipped all over the world from France to Spain to Austrailia to Canada to the UK. But my only real hassle so far has been shipping to Mexico. Apparently there are all sorts of crazy shipping rules and regulations that only apply to Mexico. Sure all places have SOME restrictions, but Mexico's are 10 times crazier.

So anyway, a month or so ago I sold a huge lot of Star Wars stuff to a dude in Mexico. To date it is still the single largest shipment I have ever processed. Now one of the major headaches of eBay (aside from all the damn hidden fees) is calculating accurate shipping prices. Its bad enough in the US but when you go international it increases exponentially. So I did my research on the US Post Office website and quoted this dude what I thought was an accurate price. He won the auction and so I began preparing the shipment.

After checking all the size and weight restrictions on the website and using their International shipping calculator, I prepared two LARGE parcels for shipping. They were big, but not overly so and I thought I was well within the restrictions.

So shipping day arrived. I loaded the boxes in the car and drove down to the Post Office. I unloaded the boxes and took 2 trips to bring them in. The lady behind the counter eyed these parcels warily and uneasily said "I don't think those will go, they're too big".

I said "That's what she said". HA HA, not really but I love that from The Office. You really can fit that into any conversation.

Anyhoo, I really said "I checked everything on the website and they should be within regulation". So I hefted the first one onto the counter so she could check. She measured and weighed and checked her Postal Bible. According to the manual, they were kosher. So she starts entering everything into the computer, but the computer is saying "NO WAY JOSE!!!". She can't figure it out and apologizes. She tells me I need to talk to the Post Master. I say "Roll her old bones on out here then!". Alas, the Post Master is out on some ultra important Postal mission and won't be back for a few hours, but I can leave the packages there and she will call me when she gets back. I say "Ok".

A few hours go by and I hear nothing, so I ring up the old Post Office. The P. Master gets on and says the boxes are too big. I say "How so when your website and your Postal Bible both say they are good to go?". She says the info must be out of date and I laugh. I think that made her mad. So now I get to go back down to the P.O. and collect my goods. I have to re-package them and bring them back in suitable shipping packages.

So I get back and the P. Master comes out to "school" me on the ways of posting. After a Sunday Sermon from her and an outlay of $15 on my part for appropriate boxes, I am armed with all the knowledge and supplies I need. I journey back home, unpack my meticulously packed boxes and attempt to fit them into the 4 new boxes. This was easier said than done.

It was like some crazy jigsaw puzzle from hell but I finally managed to get everything crammed back into these new boxes. However, now because I am shipping 4 boxes instead of 2 the shipping is an additional $60. Meanwhile this poor dude in Mexico is already freaking out about the cost of shipping and the taxes he will have to pay so now I have to go back and tell him the P.O. info was wrong and I need more money. But, because I am an ultra cool dude I tell him I'll split it with him and he's cool with that. So I return to the Office and mail everything and everyone lived happily ever after and never gave it another thought......

........until today.

Today I hit my local P.O. accompanied by Sarah and J. My old buddy "Glasses Guy" was at the counter. We exchanged pleasantries and I handed him my stuff. As it so happened I was shipping another package to Mexico today. Sarah made some comments about how the box was not up to par and "Glasses Guy" offered to tape it up some more. As he taped, I happened to mention something to Sarah about what an ordeal I had the last time I shipped to Mexico. "Glasses Guy" stopped as if struck, his eyes wide.

"That was you?!?" he said. "Man, you're a legend around here!!!"

I chuckled a bit until I realized he was serious. His adoration was unnerving....I thought he was gonna ask for my autograph. Surely he jested with me. No, he was dead serious. Apparently my ordeal had become some sort of tall tale in postal folklore. My stature had reached giant like proportions and the boxes I wielded that fateful day were now like small moons perched upon my Atlas-like shoulders.

I just laughed it off and we completed the transaction. He bid me a more enthusiastic farewell than usual, as if to wish me luck on my adventures roaming the land and slaying mighty cardboard foes. It was all rather odd, but at the same time kind of cool. After all, how many people can say that they are a local legend. From the mentally challenged wheelchair dude patrolling main street to the crack whore that runs the coffee shop, I will gladly take my spot among the ranks of Kuna's finest.

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So freaking cool...I can't wait for May

The teaser trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie hit today. This looks so sweet. I can't belive how long its been since the last one, but this takes me right back. Check it out!

http://www.indianajones.com/site/index.html

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Tax return....now you see it, now you don't

Well we got our tax return last week and we're well on our way towards spending every last cent of it. We had a lot of projects and improvements around the house that were waiting for some extra cash so now's the time to do it.

In addition to finishing our fence in the backyard, the wife has been impatiently waiting to redo our bedroom. Actually, redo would imply that at one time it was done which it wasn't. It's basically the same as when we moved in but there is a bed and a dresser. Our bedset was old and horrible and nowhere near the color scheme or style we wanted. So we have a new bedset and craploads of new wall deco (paintings, new framed pictures, etc...). We also finally got the new drapes up and ordered the new blinds for all the upstairs windows. I must say, the old love den is looking pretty sharp now.

I also got an allowance to finish up my game room. I went out and purchased 3 27x40 poster frames and I have my first round of cool movie posters on the way:

Got my subwoofer too and my electrician buddy is coming out on Tuesday to quote me a price on wiring installation. With any luck, next weekend will be the grand opening of my redone mancave.

Today we picked up some new artwork for the living room and the wife actually was impressed with my design ideas. I keep trying to tell her that I know what looks good...maybe now she'll start to believe me. That's about all for the fun stuff. The rest of the money goes to the afore mentioned fence, getting our dog spayed, repainting the office, etc... Whatever may be left over will go into our vacation fund and towards my daughter's braces. Alas, the new golf clubs the wife promised me I could get when we moved back from Texas a few years ago have yet to materialize. Everytime I broach the subject I get the evil eye and I'm told that there are other things we need first. Oh well...maybe someday I can hit the links again.

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Eh...since everyone else is doing it

Here's my SP character from a few months back when I was addicted to Guitar Hero. Jack this and I'll sweep your freaking leg!

Here's me "Simpson-ized" too just for good measure.

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Random thoughts of a bored guy

Yahoo, its Friday! Got some good stuff planned this weekend. Tomorrow is some shopping then we're dropping off the kids and going out with my wife's bro and his wife for dinner and then to see Rambo. Totally excited! Sunday is of course the big game but I don't know for sure what we're doing yet.

As I sit here waiting for the weekend to start I thought I'd share some of my random thoughts with you all. Enjoy.

Man, I freaking LOVE ramen noodles. Nothing is better on a cold, snowy day than a big bowl of noodles. I love them so much, I thought of a little song. "Oh yeah ramen, you're hella delicious and I freaking love you".

Selling crap on eBay is a huge pain in the ass. I'm currently liquidating a bunch of my old action figures and getting decent cash. But listing and all the fees and shipping and fielding stupid questions from potential buyers is so lame. If I get one more "how much is your combined shipping discount?" question I'm gonna rage on someone. ITS ON THE FREAKING PAGE PEOPLE, LEARN TO READ!!

Snow pisses me off. But not as much as the people who can't drive in it.

Made some crazy delish chocolate chip cookies last night. My wife made the first batch and they were all normal sized. I made the last few batches and they are super monster cookies. My wife got mad for wasting the dough but I'm of the opinion that they all go to the same place anyway so what's the big whoop? If I could make one huge king kong sized cookie I would.

My favorite show on TV, LOST, came back on last night. So stoked that this show is back on. Its really the only show that has kept me completely engaged and wanting more since the beginning. Loved the season premiere last night and I can't wait for the season to really get going to see what happens next.

Taxes are done and filed. Just waiting for the return. The extra cash will be nice, although its pretty much already all allocated so don't know how many new "toys" I can get this time. At least they are finished and I don't have to pay anything so I'm thankful for that.

The game/movie room is close to completion. Got my surround speakers last week and I'm getting the sub probably next week. Then its just all got to be installed and I'm ready to rock. Also finally decided on the movie posters and frames to adorn the walls. My wife actually got excited about some of the posters and even helped pick out a couple. My man cave is almost a reality....now if I can just get the wife's girly stuff out it'll be perfect.

Work sucked this week...nothing but problems. But we finally got the big issues resolved yesterday afternoon so hopefully it will be a quiet weekend with no escalation calls.

Well, I'm tired now from sharing so much. Time to knock off work early and go relax a bit. Maybe play a few games before the family gets home. Oh, I also got a sweet movie on Netflix today that I've been looking forward to seeing called "Sunshine". Some kind of sci-fi thriller about a group of people traveling to the sun to reignite it and they run into strange happenings. Heard it was cool and I can't wait to check it out. Have a great weekend y'all and maybe I'll see you online. Peace!

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Tom Cruise is a freaking idiot!!!

I'll let his video prove my point.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p-AZ_axbUU

Here is a funny parody that Jerry O'Connell did....

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/3f716ffebe

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Weekend Movie Update

Holy crap! I saw Cloverfield last night and all I can say is that this movie freaking rocks!!! It blew me away. Seriously one of the best movies I've seen in a while. JJ Abrams is a genius (as if you didn't already know that from Lost). The flick was intense, scary, action packed, funny, touching and just plain crazy fun. I highly recommend it and give it two huge thumbs up. Can't wait to buy this one on DVD and add it to the collection.

Also, saw the first teaser trailer for the new Star Trek reboot movie that JJ is doing. It was short and only showed some shots of the Enterprise being built but I have to saw it excited me. I am by no means a Star Trek fan but with JJ on this project I am definately interested. Its on my list of flicks to see for sure now.

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