Dear Obama...

Date: October 14, 2008
To: Barack Obama
From: The Republican Party
Mr. Obama,

We can’t thank you enough for running for President. And you have raised an incredible amount of money from liberal arts majors nationwide. Who would have ever though that a career in fast food could be so profitable? Too bad the contributions aren’t tax deductible, but no matter, I doubt many of your supporters pay taxes anyway. And the voter registration thing…it’s brilliant. And to think we wasted all of that time trying to figure out how to reprogram those voting machines. It’s a bitch when you can’t even type. You pulled it off for a few bucks and some cigarettes. I knew those Goddamn things were useful. So what if a few people rot their lungs while we are figuring out how to screw up this healthcare thing. Imagine what we can do next time when we use cigars!

But to my point. We knew that 9/11 thing was going to be a problem for you. Everybody was worried and getting all patriotic and going WMD this and WMD that. Hell, WWJD? Sorry…a little White Christian humor there. George was doing great. He was motherhood and apple pie and Texas. Ya just gotta love him. The country even fried those Dixie Chick pinkos. Hell. We couldn’t have been flying higher unless Cheney had started shooting lawyers. You didn’t stand a chance. So we knew we needed to put our heads together and figure out some way out of this. I mean, shit. Between Social Security, Medicare, and the public schools turning out those Generation Z whiners, there is some serious trouble comin’ and we need a scapegoat. That’s “Z” for “zero”. Dumb as posts. Can’t even hold down a Mcjob. That’s why we had to bring in so many McMexicans. We need you Dem’s in power so you can take the fall.

So we started by getting Osama in our sights and then making sure we missed him. Kind of pissed off a special ops team but hey, they don’t get their votes in on time anyway, do they? And for the past six years we fired up that increasingly unpopular war to keep oil flowing from those terrorist places over there. Near China or North Korea or somewhere like that. Hell, we really got a few good laughs watching little Lynndie give the thumbs up behind that naked pile of ragheads at Abu something-or-other. That sure was good fun and damn that girl’s hawt.

The Guantanamo thing really didn’t work out the way we’d planned though. Yeah, we managed to get a little torture in. That was fun. But no one died and everyone over here was making so much money with the economy on fire and all, no one cared. And the Medicare disaster was just too many years down the road to scare people. I mean when your house value is going up $1000 a week, who gives a shit about a $50 trillion debt bomb something like a hundred years from now. So anyway, we needed to ramp it up some. We decided to back off North Korea so they could start selling “Nucular” technology to Hamas, and damned if those Pinko Ruskies didn’t run in and start helping Iran build a bomb. It was awesome. You’d have thought we planned it, but we don’t talk to Iran anymore. Learned our lessons with the Ayatollah Assahola guy in the 80’s. They just can’t keep their damn mouth shut.

Anyway, we just needed to get people’s mind off their money long enough to get ‘em scared. Can you say Mortgage Crisis!?!?! Had to hit ‘um where it hurts…the ole pocketbook. Hell, most of those r-tards can’t even balance their checkbooks much less understand the Fed’s discount window and the credit market. And we all made a few bucks in the process. It ain’t all about them, right?

So here we are with 8 years of an unpopular GOP president, 6 years of an unpopular war, the economy is in the shitter, we’re making all the noise we can about attacking Iran, Russia is acting like a Chihuahua on crack, and you still can only pull a statistical dead heat out of the polls? Jesus on a Popsicle boy. How much fuckin’ help do you need?

So Bud, we just wanted you to know we have done all that we can. We got nuthin’ else in the bag-o-tricks. For the next 20 days, you are on your own. Don’t screw the pooch, OK?

Love and Kisses,

The GOP

Posted by BubbaJake on Wed Oct 15, 2008 @ 9:04 am EDT | 5 Comments