Another F'ing panic attack

Well, I am going through a panic attack.  My wife went all spastic about my student loans and got me all worked up.  I am supposed to be in bed sleeping before I have to get up early to go to marriage counseling.  Well that is not going to happen.  I am sitting here trying to remember to breathe.  I know money is tight but what the fuck?  I don't need all of this shit.  After looking for about 5 minutes I found out that the payments can be deferred until I graduate next year.  In addition to that there are ways to reduce the payments when they come.  Even though I found all of that, I am still so jacked up from the panic attack that I cannot calm down.  Before I sat down to type this I went for a mile walk and I am still not calmed down.  Those "escape fantasies"  that my therapist is helping work through are making a comeback in a big way.  For those of you that don't know what an escape fantasy it is when you feel like taking a gun to your head not so you can kill yourself but to "ESCAPE" whatever is driving you nuts.  It was fun walking around while the school buses drove by and wondered if I had the balls to jump in front of one.  Well, obviously I didn't do that but I am sure pissed that all of that positive work is unraveling right before my eyes.  I am a wreck and I would love to bet that the wife goes off at the session today ending that streak as well.  I guess when the bottom drops out on you it really drops fast.  I don't like this game and I don't want to play anymore....

Posted by Shuttdown on Wed Apr 16, 2008 @ 7:56 am EDT | 3 Comments