Indy & the Crystal Skull - The Review Going in the Paper

Damn you, George Lucas. Damn you.

You read my column last week. You know how much I love Raiders of the Lost Ark. I love that film enough to enjoy the other two imperfect movies in the trilogy. And then there’s Indiana Jones, one of the most iconic and beloved characters in the cinematic pantheon.

I wanted to love Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (henceforth referred to as Crystal Skull). I wanted it to be another Raiders.

It isn’t. Not in the same ballpark. Not even in the same league. It’s as though Lucas and Spielberg have spent the last 19 years watching all the films who’ve tried to be the next Raiders, and fallen prey to the same mistakes.

There are a lot of problems with the movie, but I’m usually willing to overlook those if the film makes me smile.

I didn’t smile a whole lot.

It almost angers me, really. I’m sitting here trying not to be mad about this sense of betrayal I feel, because the movie isn’t bad. It’s just not Raiders of the Lost Ark. I might like it better than Temple of Doom, however. Maybe.

But here’s the thing.

It’s not a bad movie. I didn’t hate it. I had different expectations of it than I’d have had for another film. You follow me? It’s still better than any of The Mummy films. Or National Treasure. Or Tomb Raider. It’s just no Raiders of the Lost Ark.

So here’s the story.

We open up with Indy and his sidekick, Mac (Ray Winstone), in the trunk of what appears to be a US Army car. Out they come, Indy snatching up the dusty fedora off the pavement of Area 51.

Indy and Mac have been kidnapped by a pack of Russians, lead by Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchette). Her dream of conquering the world for the Fatherland is through the use of mind control.

The means to that end are to be found in the giant warehouse at Area 51, which as it turns out might be the same warehouse at the end of Raiders. There’s a crate they want Indy to help them find.

And he does. Sort of.

In usual Indy fashion, the bad guys get away with the loot and Indy returns to the college where he’s employed. Temporarily. He loses his job (minor spoiler. Promise).

On his way out of town, he’s found by Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf), a greaser kid on motorcycle. Mutt tells Indy that his mom sent him, saying Indy could help. And then he spills this story about a missing archaeology professor, a crystal skull and the kidnapping of his mom.

The Russian thugs show up and convince Indy it’s a quest he should be involved in. So after a motorcycle chase, Indy and Mutt are off for South America.

And that’s all I’m going to give you.

I seem to be calming down the more I type. Actually, stepping back through the story sort of makes it better. It is the type of adventure Indiana Jones would get involved in. Walking through the events in my head, it’s not that bad.

The action is still there. Indy is still a badass. He still comes up with creative ways out of impossible problems. It’s still him. He’s just … old.

In fact, it’s when the actors are required to, you know, act, that the movie falters. Ford acts like someone who’s been out of the game for awhile. It’s like he knows he’s an actor getting to play Indiana Jones instead of being Indiana Jones.

When he and Karen Allen are in scene together, the results are awful. She was okay in Raiders. I tolerated her. Here, again, she seems like she’s been out of the game for awhile. And she has. She hasn’t been in a film since 2004.

And then there’s John Hurt. What in the hell is he even doing in the movie at all? His “character” is nothing more than a plot device. Actually, I could buy his presence if they’d just left out Marion Ravenwood. They could’ve accomplished her “part” in the plot with a letter.

Shia LaBeouf is almost wasted here. I know why he’s in the movie. Spielberg and Lucas have identified him as the next golden child. It’s why Spielberg wanted him in Transformers. And the kid is funny, good even.

The rumor is there’s going to be another Indy flick with Shia in the lead and Harrison in basically the Sean Connery role from Last Crusade. It could work, I guess. They laid the groundwork for it.

In the first act of Crystal Skull, there’s all this talk about how Indy is a war hero, a decorated veteran spy for his country. That is a whole new angle on the character. You could do a million things with it, just not with Harrison Ford.

And then there’s the slight change in direction in the story. The film is a blend between 1950’s sci-fi and 1940’s adventure serials. First three were about religious artifacts and the old world. This one… well, you’ll see. I kind of like the idea of Indy as a spy and Indy as a sort of precursor to the X-files.

Here’s another thing wrong with it. Raiders was not campy. It was not funny. It was an action ride with a thrill-a-minute pace. The other two films in the series weren’t Raiders. I can’t really complain about the tone of Crystal Skull without comparing it to Temple of Doom and Last Crusade, both of which were laden with camp and humor. In Last Crusade, the humor worked because of the chemistry between Connery and Ford. Most the time anyway.

But the presence of the camp at all… I guess I’m still waiting for the proper sequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark, and I should stop comparing its sequels to it. In fact, it almost works better if you leave Raiders as a stand-alone and group the other three into a trilogy.

Crystal Skull is a fine action/adventure movie. It’s crafted by Steven Spielberg of all people. But it’s not without its flaws, its moments of too-far-over-the-top. My problem with it is what it isn’t and what it could’ve been.

Let’s see what they do next.