American Idon't

I honestly don't understand the "phenomenon" that is American Idol.  I get the fact that the first few weeks are a train wreck.  I like watching fatties and white trash make jackasses of themselves just as much as the next person.  But I'm not even going to tune into that, unless it gets to Jerry Springer-like proportions.  When some twit goes berzerk and smashes Simon in the face with a chair, then I'll be watching.  But this isn't even the part of the show that bugs me the most.

I don't think you should be placed into the status of celebrity just because you can sing Whitney Houston really well.   American Idol is basically a glorified version of karaoke, people!!!  Am I the only one who realizes this!?!  It's karaoke without the alcohol, and that's what makes karaoke enjoyable in the first place. It seriously would be more entertaining to have a show where people get drunk at a bar and try to sing Buffett.  I'm totally pitching this to CBS.

I certainly don't think that our celebrity selection process should start with the opinions of the Chipmunks - Abdul, Simon and Theodore, and end by letting the American people vote on it.  This is the worst idea ever.  We're gonna let the "next great singer" be selected by the same people that put Bush into office?!?!  More people vote for American Idol than vote in the Presidential Election anyway, which is f**ked up on so many levels, that if you try to figure it out, your nose will start to bleed.

You really want to pick someone in music to idolize?  Get someone up there that actually writes their own music.  Find someone who plays an instrument, or a band that's been stuck playing their own music in a dive bar for the past five years.  Get someone who marches in Drum Corp to show you what real talent looks like.  If you are going to stand up there and sing a cover song, at least twirl a flaming baton or something.  Even if the winners of this show do end up putting out an album, it usually sucks ass, and they fade into obscurity, just going to show what a colossal waste of time the whole process is.  I think the only one that has sustained any sort of career is Kelly Clarkson, and even she should be loaded into a rocket and fired into the sun.

So thank you, American Idol, for lowering the collective IQ of our nation a few points every winter.  My only hope is that one day, Jack Bauer accidentaly gets lost on your set and, fearing for his life, decides to tear all your throats out with his teeth, so you can never sing another god-forsaken note again.