07/17/08 Return to main blog

Training to be a parent

I saw this and it made me giggle. I thought I would share. I think the car one is the most accurate at our house. Then again 10 and 11 hit pretty close to home too.


 
Thinking of Having Kids?


Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2 – Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
>
Lesson 3 - A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4 - Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5 - Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6 - Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7 - Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9 - Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10 - Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy/Daddy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy/Daddy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11 - Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy/Daddy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

 



Posted by LadyisRed on Thu Jul 17, 2008 @ 4:29 pm EDT | 13 Comments

ATC_1982 says:

I like this one.

Posted by ATC_1982 on Thu Jul 17, 2008 @ 4:31 pm EDT

J-Cat says:

HA! that is SO good. Erica is has made a huge mess with blueberry bran muffing: it's all over the carpet! ah well!

Posted by J-Cat on Thu Jul 17, 2008 @ 4:35 pm EDT

ekattan says:

Really funny. Kids are tremendous, but they are worth it.

Posted by ekattan on Thu Jul 17, 2008 @ 4:37 pm EDT

Zikan says:

Well sure, you could try to get used to all that poor behavior .. OR, you could beat your kids every once in a while so they don't behave that way ;)

Posted by Zikan on Thu Jul 17, 2008 @ 4:40 pm EDT

Jmarps says:

Awesome....

Posted by Jmarps on Thu Jul 17, 2008 @ 4:41 pm EDT

Markus says:

Yeah, awesome. Lesson 2 is spot on.

Posted by Markus on Thu Jul 17, 2008 @ 4:45 pm EDT

SqueakieWife says:

I think lesson 4 and six were the best. I swear I find food in the stangest places. Yesterday when I was putting laundry away I found a quarter of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my 2 year olds pj drawer.

Posted by SqueakieWife on Thu Jul 17, 2008 @ 4:53 pm EDT

MikeTheKnife says:

You forgot the lesson on constantly asking your friends when they're going to have kids of their own because they're work but they're 'so worth it'.

Posted by MikeTheKnife on Thu Jul 17, 2008 @ 5:03 pm EDT

Stryker927 says:

LMHO! Awesome.

Posted by Stryker927 on Thu Jul 17, 2008 @ 5:41 pm EDT

Hoplite says:

2, 5, and 10, but as we're on our way to the second I'm sure I can add a few more to this list soon.

Posted by Hoplite on Thu Jul 17, 2008 @ 5:56 pm EDT

NotStyro says:

Great lessons. Maybe these should be ideas to be submitted for next seasons 'Baby Borrowers' shows.

Posted by NotStyro on Thu Jul 17, 2008 @ 7:56 pm EDT

Armorsmith76 says:

Step 12, get a vasectomy then spend your life spoiling someone elses kids, a niece or nephew perhaps.(insert evil laugh here)
Then, go back to your clean, quiet home when you get tired of the kid.

Great lessons=)

Posted by Armorsmith76 on Tue Jul 29, 2008 @ 12:38 am EDT

supergg2k says:

Excellent list!

Posted by supergg2k on Tue Jul 29, 2008 @ 6:27 am EDT

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