What's wrong with me?

That’s kind of a rhetorical question, to be honest – I don’t really think there’s anything ‘wrong’ with me.

Sometimes though, when I peer into the inky black depths of my mind, I wonder if I might be ever so slightly ‘wrong’, because sometimes I get the feeling that I’m hooked on drama. For example; a while back, when my mum was in hospital, there was a very real danger that she wouldn’t survive her surgery. If I’m brutally honest about my thoughts, there was a small part of me that was hoping that she wouldn’t make it.

Deep down, there’s a little nugget of Snakemeister which would revel in the heartbreak, trauma and depression which would result from the loss of my mum. There’s even another part of me which would welcome it, given that the death of my mother would make it easier for me to cut all ties with my father.

And it’s not just that. Say, for example, my girlfriend had been cheating on me. Depite the fact that I’d be utterly heartbroken, and my world would fall apart around me – while I was sitting around lost, wondering what had gone wrong, there’d still be part of me deep down giggling like a schoolgirl, happier than a pig in s**t.

I’d love to know where that comes from. Is it something to do with a desire for sympathy from other people? Is it due to a lack of attention from my parents in my formative teenage years?

It doesn’t surprise me that I’m a little weird this way – I’m emotionally stunted at the best of times. My girlfriend and I used to have arguments about my not being able to open up to her when we first started dating, and the fact that I struggled to convey my feelings, even though I knew how much I love her.

We weren’t big on touchy-feely emotional stuff in my house. I can count on one hand the amount of times I remember my mum hugging me, and my dad has never actually said out loud that he loves me.

I know it’s a bit of a cop-out to blame things on your parents, and I’ve tried hard to work through the issues I’ve got. I’m happy to report that I’ve got no problem holding hands, cuddling, snuggling or being touchy-feely with my girlfriend, and I suppose that’s the important thing really.