Not about games

So lets see here, ok its a little about games. But only a little bit. This bends more serious. I think my wife and I are about to try to have kids. Specifically two of them. Currently we have none. I know I want kids, and my wife has always wanted them. Now logically, we can afford helpless beings now and we never could before. In addition, the next 18+ months would actually be more convenient for my wife to carry around, ah the child. See the next few months are the last of her pediatric residency, and not as difficult as the last 30 were. Then its 12 months of being a Chief Resident, which is more administrative than anything, and she could easily take maternity leave then. After that, she wants to start three more years as a Fellow for intensive care. Think more respect than a resident, less than an attending, but very long hours still. That means she could have a child then, but it wouldn't be as easy.

So logically now is smart. Now there are so many other things floating around in my crowded little head, that I tend to circle around alot, so if I jump from idea to idea, please forgive me. I think I should start with the intentionally vague statement that I am under the impression that actually concieving a child will be difficult. Difficultly runs in her family (though they do obviously overcome it) and she is under enough stress that I suspect hitting the 18+ month window may not happen. So while having a child is good, having a wife worrying about why we haven't had one yet will suck. Not sure what I will do when that day comes, but I think I should probably think about it.

Now then there is the guilty thoughts that I have a pretty good life going here. I do what I want, buy what I want, have very little serious concerns. I play in an average week 20 hours of games. I have a house with sharp edges and nice things. I go out with my wife and have fun if the mood strikes. And I love it. I know that I will love being a father, but this part of my life is really cool too. Its not without guilt that I realize part of me will always miss this when its gone.

Then there is a differnet kind of life changer. I could quit my job. I could be a stay at home dad. The money would be tight for at least the next four years, but my wife hasn't even started a career, and we both would prefer not to leave raising a child to strangers (no family to help out either). So that leaves me, and I know that I don't have to, and I think I want to do it. But that means leaving my career behind. For a while, I have judged myself based on how I do there. I am good at my job. I am the guy who fixes the hard problems. That trains the new guy. The go to guy. I expect that if I leave work, I will never get back into the career path I have chosen. It will pass me by. Not working doesn't seem so bad. Being a Father first is something that I can be proud of, and a chance that not many people get. But what will happen when the kids are older, when I don't need to be around? I am not sure that I can handle a quiet house, or if I get another job that it will be challenging enough.  This is a choice I haven't made yet. Or maybe I have, and am just nervous about it. Sometimes it hard to tell.

Well, anyway. Thanks for reading a snapshot of my life. Still not sure why I wrote it. I know that anyway I cut it, I have it pretty good, and I am grateful.