A Tale of Two Dongs

2006 2old2pwn Clan LAN:
A Tale of Two Dongs
By RogueRedneck

I joined 2old2pwn in October of 2005 and I recall bringing up the subject of going to a clan LAN a few months later to my wife. She told me that I must have completely lost my mind if I thought I was going to go play video games and leave her home alone with the kids.

It was then that a funny thing happened. My wife was sucked in to the world of 2old2play and 2old2pwn. It started by her lying on the couch and laughing at the interactions between the other players and I while we were playing. Then, she started reading the site under my account, DubbleORedneck, and made some posts. She eventually opened her own account, DixieBelle, on December 23, 2005 and immediately joined the clan.

This was important to explain how I found myself on the road at 4 AM on Thursday, June 29th on my way to Pittsburgh for what would turn out to be one of the greatest weekends of my life.

It was a long a grueling 11 hour drive that took Dixie and I from Tennessee to Pennsylvania. We braved many hardships along the way including regular phone calls from Cowboy Bates, Barracuda52774, and dpaden wanting to know where we were so they could beat us to the hotel. (They did…the modding bitches.)

Dixie and I pulled up in front of the Rodeway Inn at 4 PM local time and saw the first members of our degenerate crew standing in front of the hotel. The hotel was conveniently located over 1000 yards from the nearest school so that KidMach wouldn’t violate his parole. There was kweenie1969 and her husband, Gutteral Rumble, dpaden, Ming Li, Cowboy, and the flame haired Cuda, who was easy to pick out since he was busy humping a bush when we arrived. We settled into our circa 1970 rooms and then met up with NoVARaif, CurvyBunky, and BlimeyLimey before heading out looking for nourishment.

We ended up at the Lonestar Steakhouse, which was located next door to the Quaker Steak & Lube restaurant. Let me just pause here to say that we don’t have these establishments in the South and I was a little concerned. The steak part wasn’t a problem but the lube part made me wonder. Do you get the lube as a side item included with your meal or is it extra? What weight do they use? But I digress.

At the restaurant, we were treated to the first of many statements I like to call “Cowboyisms”. We ate a good meal and found that there was none of the uneasiness you sometimes feel when surrounded by people you’ve never met before. We easily fell into our forum and XBL roles and were soon laughing at and making fun of each other. We just generally enjoyed being together in person for the first time.

We finished the night back at the hotel just talking and preparing for the first official day of the LAN. Before the day finished, we greeted the arrival of GopherGoat, Lord Kerdaq (god complex), HexionBean, Count Fartula, and his friend, Eddie. Eddie has since become a member of the site and our newest clan member, allniteRawk. Most of us retired to our rooms at about 1 AM in preparation of the next day.

L-R: Ming Li, dpaden, Cuda


L-R: Cowboy, Rogue, Kween, Gutter (in back), Nova


L-R: Team Hoobs (Curvy, Kween, Dixie)

The next morning began at approximately 9 AM with a meeting in the coffee shop (Nova’s Room). It is important to note that we all packed for a 3 day party. Nova came to the LAN prepared for an extended siege. This man arrived with a truck full of TVs, suitcases, wires, switches, a first aid kit, assorted varieties of coffee, a coffee machine, and an espresso machine. The man meant business.

We entered the conference room at about 9:30 AM and began to unload the equipment. At this point, Nova realized there could be a power distribution problem and went to work on the problem with the help of Gutter and the interference of Cuda. I won’t go into the details of what was done. You can read Nova’s article for the technical aspects of the party. I get paid to arrest people and not to play with electricity. Unless I’m tasering said people, in which case, I have a LOT of fun with electricity. In short, if you ever have a LAN Party, I highly suggest bringing a Nova with you.

The day progressed and we witnessed the arrival of Cabel, Walladog, KidMach, Blue Steihl, itsBillykiller, Durnan, waterboy, IACO, and Yountdog. We were all surprised when Yount arrived because none of us knew he was King Kong’s stunt double. (We put him in the corner next to Blimey because we figured, if he got hungry, he could have the Canadian.) Everyone found somewhere to play and was hooked into the powergrid. At this point, the conference room looked a lot like the cockpit of the Millenium Falcon, but you do what you gotta do.

I don’t remember a lot of the actual gameplay that followed. On this first official day, several of us walked over to the restaurant next door, the Eat’N’Park. Here, despite the lack of sweet tea or Dr. Pepper, we enjoyed a decent meal. After Walla had been brutally forced into ordering the salad bar, we were witness to the first stroke of genius of the 2006 2old2pwn LAN.

I’m not sure how it started but someone mentioned that it would be funny to get a large rubber phallic device. We could use it to strike at those who we felt needed it. Walla suggested that we should name it “Rubber Justice”. Thus was named the clan mascot.

Within the hour, Walla, Cuda, Dixie, and I were at the local Adult Store where Walla informed the clerk (who was not a man of great wit nor did he appreciate our humor) that Dixie, my wife, wanted the largest rubber dong they had in stock. We left minutes later with two 16” rubber dongs and a 3 foot blow-up doll with a coaster in her head. Walla conned the local gas station into giving us a Magic Marker and we returned to the hotel.

Cuda with his mighty dong, RUBBER JUSTICE


Walla takes Cowboy's girlfriend for a spin


Cowboy's girlfriend

As we were standing outside preparing to unveil our purchases, a woman drove up, got out of her car, and apprehensively approached us. She was wearing nice business attire and appeared lost. When she saw Cuda writing on Rubber Justice and Dixie holding the doll, Walla informed her that she probably didn’t want to be here and she chose to leave the premises. Go figure.

We entered the building and christened Cowboy with the dual Justices.

Over the day, there was minimal confusion as others arrived since Nova and Gutter worked to get everyone hooked up as quickly as possible. Before long, I found my self sitting next to KidMach. It was then I discovered that Kid is not as annoying in person as he is on XBL…he’s worse. I lost count of the number of head butts and dong beatings he received but they were many and often. I officially announce that he may be the Site Timmy.

KidMach demonstrates the Wii's unconventional controller 

 
Kid shows Curvy his "Prison Bitch" tattoo

One of the key moments of the LAN was the arrival of itsBillykiller. He arrived and soon discovered that Cowboy had left to retrieve his girlfriend from wherever it is that Cowboy lives. Billy felt compelled to call Cowboy a few times to express his displeasure. Billy and Cowboy debated his absence from the LAN (the finer points were quite interesting) and came to an agreement. Cowboy would come back or Billy would hurt him.

Cowboy arrived at the LAN at 1:30 AM on Saturday morning and asked me, “How’s Billy?” He was informed that Billy was, well, Billy…at 1:30 AM…drunk…and tired. Moments later, they met and Cowboy was reduced to the equivalent of cold and frightened Chihuahua puppy. He cowered behind his girlfriend for protection but there was no hope for him.

Over the next day, we received more members in the form of mr sleestak, who soon violated the blow up doll, and the surprise guest, LB75Player. LB is a sneaky little guy, who convinced his wife, Curvy, that he wasn’t coming to the LAN but then made a surprise 5 AM arrival. He had to wake her up from a drunken stupor but she appeared happy to see him. I think this is typical in their household. If I had to live with LB, I'd keep myself on the verge of unconsciousness as well.

Curvy before LB arrived 

Curvy after LB arrived


Slee takes certain liberties with the young lady

The rest of the LAN is a blur of HALO, laughter, absurd aliases, and threats of violence. We played til the wee hours of Sunday morning when our 24 port switch died and could not be revived despite the best efforts of Nova. Walla even tried to assist by offering his advice to “Slap it with a stainless steel spatula” but, alas, the switch was gone.

We were temporarily back in business when it was discovered that Cowboy brought a 16 port switch but, before we could hook up the new switch, we suffered yet another casualty. The blow up doll collapsed under the combined force of Kid and Walla. CPR was administered by Kid but she did not survive.

Sunday morning, it was a subdued crowd that arrived at the conference room to gather their belongings and head back to their boring, incomplete lives. Hugs were given and hands were shaken. Someone, I honestly can’t say who would have done such a thing, put Rubber Justice and the deflated doll in Cuda’s suitcase in hopes of detaining him at airport security and we all went our separate ways.

In the end, it was a good time had by all. We laughed and cried. We played HALO and consumed alcohol. We slapped each other with rubber dongs.

BEST CLAN EVER!!!!!

Hey? What's that by Cowboy's head?

On back wall (L-R): Kid, Durnan, Hexion, Lord, Count, Ryan, allniteRawk
Middle row (L-R): Blue, Walla, IACO, 'cuda, Yount, Sleestak, Rogue (teabaggin' Cowboy), Blimey, Waterboy, Billy
Front row (L-R): Dpaden, Gopher, Curvy, Dixie, Cowboy, Chris (Cowboy's g/f), Ming, LB, NoVA
Missing from photo: Kween, Gutter