Victory on the Homefront: A Tactical FPS Guide to the Waterfight

Summer holidays are here, and in my family it means three things. Getting together with family, eating/drinking WAY too much and water fights. Now, in order to keep my loyal readers as dry as possible, here is a handy guide to winning any water fight this season.

Step 1.

Know Your Weapons. The best weapons in a water fight depends on your own fighting style. Are you a "hang back and snipe your enemy in the eye with a perfectly timed stream of water" type? Then a Super Soaker with a long stream may be for you. Keep in mind that there is a long reload period as you furiously pump enough air back into the system as you get buckets of water thrown at you by your enemy. Feel like the run n gun? There are guns out there that produce a continual, although short stream of water when you pump the mechanism both in AND out. Be warned, the short stream means that you have to get up close and personal, and gives new meaning to "spray and pray".

Of course, there is only one weapon that I use and that is the garden hose. It’s powerful, has infinite ammunition and the water stays at the right temperature for shocking the enemy into submission... freezing "I swear it’s the water" cold.

Step 2.

Know your Terrain: Certain areas of the map could turn a fun day of soaking your friends and relatives into a serious hazard. Obvious hazards include things like fire pits, barbecues, empties, and sharp hot dog cooking sticks. Please keep in mind the most dangerous hazard on any map are older, cranky relatives holding electronics. Steer clear of this hazard at all costs. If you DO happen to get one of these cranky older relatives wet, an "aw shucks" look and quickly getting them a beverage should put things back on the up and up. I prefer to just ignore them. If they want to stay dry, then they should know not to get within 100ft of me at any point between May 24 weekend and Labour day. I cannot be held responsible for the ignorance of others.

A side note on electronics. Taking someone’s favorite handheld as hostage is just not cool. That is just weak sauce. You know who you are. Sean.

Another important part of terrain reconnaissance is resource management. Typically, there are two water refill zones: the hose and a pool or bucket. These resources are dangerous areas for two reasons, number one because they are high traffic areas, and an unaware person can easily get caught in crossfire when refilling your weapon, even IF there is a rule against "getting" someone when they are refilling*. And Number two: refill zones can quickly become a weapon in of itself. Buckets meant for filling your super soaker will eventually become the equivalent of a shotgun in a "cheaters*" hands: low range: high damage.

Step 3

: Know thy enemy. If you are playing with anyone under 10, they will turn on you*. The person who claimed to be on your side one minute, will paint your back with water before you can say "Hey, let’s get so and so". Trust no one.

Keep in mind, there is a huge upside to playing with small children, and that is they are easily manipulated, and really not that bright. A smart player can sit with hose in one hand, beer in the other and soak the bejeezus out of small children all day and be the hero for it. You just have to convince them to "get" the other kids and they also have to be young and/or stupid enough to not know that if you kink the water hose, the person holding the hose is royally screwed.

So, I hope that this has helped you to learn a bit. To grow a bit. And, most importantly, to conquer thine enemies. Come home victorious or on your shield.

* I cheat: deal. I stay dry, you will be wet, so who is really the loser?