Zoloft WTF....

So here I am... This is a pretty new thing for me. I have just been diagnosed with "Depression" and "Event Oriented Anxiety" (read Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). This is something that has been coming on for about 5 years now. I am not one to ask for help on things that a guy should be able to handle on his own but here it is. I have done 2 tours of combat in Iraq. I spent 6 months in a fucked up city called Fallujah (you may have heard of it) with the 82 Airborne Division. I saw some things that are pretty awful. I have come home after my second tour only to find that I have been ordered to recruiting duty. This is normally a 3 year tour. However in my case I am being pulled off as being an ineffective recruiter. I am getting the chance to go back "online" to the real Army in a few months. I will ask to go to Korea as that will give me the best chance of getting back to FT Lewis Washington where my wife and daughter plan on staying.

These last few years, things have felt like I have been living in a haze, under water. I feel that I have lost total control over everything in my life. Have you ever been so fucking angry that you are furious when someone passes you on the freeway, but you are as furious when they don’t pass? That’s me. Everything in the world pisses me off; everything irritates me to the point where I want to lash out. As a recruiter I had to deal with parents who hated me calling their precious little children. I have been spit on and called baby killer (as if they couldn't come up with something more modern or appropriate). I have been told that I am a worthless piece a shit by people who couldn’t get into the Army because they have felony convictions and couldn’t figure out why the Army wouldn’t fix it for their stupid asses. I drive down the street with my wife and find myself looking at the roof tops for snipers. I hate being in crowds, I hate having people in my personal space. I hate motherfuckers looking at me longer than they should. These are things that tip you off that you may have a problem. These are the things that I have to feel daily. These are things that hurt my head on a daily basis.

So I go to a Psychiatrist the other day and spent about 3 hours talking with him. He feels that I have some PTSD and need a bit of drugs to help me slide smoothly into civility. I am now taking Zoloft. I have to tell you that this is a very good drug. I feel that someone has turned on a light for me. I feel like I did 5 years ago before this war. Before Fallujah, before Mosul, before recruiting. Somehow I feel like getting up in the morning, I feel like having dinner with my family, feel like doing things again that make us a family. I feel that there are no longer people on the roof tops with sniper rifles. There are no longer IED's laid out on the side of the road waiting for me to drive over them. This is such an unusual feeling for me; I am so used to being tired and at a point where going to work in the morning makes me want to cry.

Thank god for this drug. Thank god for the scientist who found this savior. I have no idea where my head would be without it.

To anyone I may have upset earlier, I apologize. I am trying to make amends with my family and friends, and I consider all of you part of the latter. My head does not hurt nearly as much as it has in the past, I feel that things are getting better, I am glad that I can share this with all of you as it gets this out in the open.