Shuttdown's Blog - 2old2play

The slow march back to normal....

It has been awhile since I have done anything on this site. It has also been a long time since I played an online game with anyone let alone my boys in the PPC. As anyone who followed my blog at all knows I have had my share of problems. These problems range from being bipolar, my marriage, and even my job. While I still struggle with all of those things, they are now under control for the most part. I am in therapy for the bipolar and my marriage. My job is going well. I might even get promoted. *fingers crossed* All of this has led me into a much better spot personally.

In the world of gaming my weapon of choice has changed. I used to be a 360 first find of guy. Now I am buying PS3 first. I think the switch happened after my most recent Red Ring of Death. I have trouble investing in a console that keeps failing and leaving me high and dry. That is one area that I know is going to hurt me in terms of playing online with the members of 2o2p. I now that I will get some online time once Gears 2 comes out but that is still some time off.

Long story short. I am returning to my old self and I am starting to want to be social again. My world is in a much better place and that means I can get back to being me. I will be looking for some Gears games and even some Rock Band 2 action. If you are not on my friends list and would like to help me get back into the 2o2p community shoot me a FR. If you are PPC and see me online, shoot me an invite. I am going to see if I can get into 2old2resist as they are the lone PS3 clan around.

For all of you who kept me on your friends list, thank you. For all of those who stuck by me (Phalanx, this means you) thank you. I look forward to seeing all of you on the field of battle in the near future.

Good talk. I will see you out there.

Shuttdown

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Same ol' Shit

Well I have gotten the Red Ring of Death for the fourth time. This just makes me love my PS3 even more. Fuck Microsoft and their shitty console. The only reason I have the damn thing is Rock Band. Fucking Pricks.

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A new approach to my gaming choices

For the last couple of years my game buying choices have boiled to two categories. Either something that I really wanted or something that I was on the fence about and thought I could learn to like it while playing online. In the second of the two choices I have learned something....I DON'T PLAY ONLINE ANYMORE!!!! I am really tired of forcing myself to want to play online and tired of buying the games that I would like to play online. Since I have began on this road back to normalcy I have played online twice. It was forced and it sucked. Even though I am in a few clans I am really only PPC and I can't remember the last time I talked to them. This whole relearning how to live in my own skin has really been tough. All I am playing right now is RPGs like Persona 3 and reading manga. I am not sure but I might even give up gaming for awhile. Maybe unplugging for a while would be best. You know, check out the sunsets and shit. I like rambling.....

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The calm after the manic storm

Well, I had a really crazy run of days where I didn't get much sleep and was on a high. The is cool until it ends. Then I end up where I am now. I am tired despite sleep eleven hours. I am introverted. I am really just going through the motions. The good thing is that after a couple days of rest I am back on an even keel. This is much better than the month long depression that could and usually would set in. Right now I am at work listening to a co-worker snore while he sleeps. I cannot bring myself to sleep at work so I count the minutes down until 6AM hits. Then I get to drive down the old turnpike and try to go right to bed as I have an appointment at 3PM with the old counselor. Even though I will not get much sleep, it will be a deep sleep. That is the hidden bonus of the post manic days. I sleep every free moment away and get rested. This week has a bonus too. It is finals week. I get a week and a half off after this week is done. That will be sweet. Maybe I can get to that pile of shame...

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My Pile of Shame

I thought that I would list my official pile of games that I need to get to that is currently sitting on my desk:

1. Mass Effect
2. DMC4
3. Ratchet and Clank(PS3)
4. GT5
5. Super Mario Galaxy
6. Persona 3
7. Ninja Gaiden (DS)
8. The World Ends with You
9. Patapon
10. God of War(PSP)

I am going to stop there but I need to get on this shit. I have way too many good games that I need to play. There are two main reasons this list will not get done right away too. GTA IV and Boom Blox. Dammit.

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It's 3 o'clock in the morning......

It's 3AM and I am at work. I have been pretty much out of it most of the shift. Everything is annoying me and I am sick of working on this animation project for school. I think I went too big and now I think it sucks. I am contemplating redoing the characters in a much simpler manner. I am really am really struggling with using the bone system in 3D Max. I can set them up and pose them. I am having trouble with making them move fluidly. No matter what I do with the key frames they seem to be just a little off. I was hoping to do just touch ups for the last week of the term but this project might come down to the wire. I didn't even start the final project for my other class. I think I will start sketching that on my lunch break so I can go sit somewhere and focus. Oh well, whatever. I have to stay strong because in 14 months I will be a college grad. WOOHOO!!

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Hands on Wii Wheel and more drugs

I was at the game store today and got my hands on a Wii Wheel for preparation for the great Mario Kart marathon at my place Saturday night and I have to say that I am impressed. It is sturdy and feels like a steering wheel should. There is some weight to it and the extended button on the back is very responsive. I was concerned about this after that craptastic gun thing Nintendo forced down our throats. All of my fears are gone....GAME ON!!!! While at the game store I was able to procure a Wii for the in-laws. They are very excited.

I should have a great deal of time to game this weekend since the wife will be away all weekend. So all I have is some school work, gaming, and the NFL draft to care about this weekend. This should be fun.

On a side note, I was at the old doctor today and I am on another drug to help me sleep. My anxiety is creeping in and I have only been getting 3 hours a night. Hopefully this is the sweet spot that gets me where I need to be.

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Got some games...Getting some mo'....

Well in the wake of the shit storm that was the other day I felt the need to get lost in some digital worlds. I picked up GT5 Prologue, The Club, RB6 Vegas (PSP), Ratchet & Clank (PS3), The World Ends With You, and Okami (Wii). I will be getting Mario Kart this weekend as well. Next week I will be getting GTA4. And in May I will be getting Wii Fit and Boom Blocks. That should do it I guess.

Anyway, I went from the emotional floor to the emotional ceiling in the last week. I am now on a huge up emotionally and I really don't know how to deal. I am really talkative and tough to be around. My wife tells me I am very "intense". This will easily be my sticking point in therapy. I have a meeting with the only drug doc to see where my dose should be at. I think that I am getting used to the dose and might need more because I am really up and down again. Hopefully we can get the right dose and sort this out. I am still much better than I was and that feels good. Even my wife said I was doing much better. That has never happened.

On the work front, I started talking to the content creation department where I work so I actually get a job creating content (which would be in my major). That is a huge step for me as I never step out of my comfort zone to do that. So chalk up another personal stride there.

Finally, I had my birthday over the weekend and I had a great time. I had a party on Friday with the in-laws and it was amazing. The best part of the part was with my nephew and nieces. I showed my nephew some of the work that I have done with Rag Doll stuff in 3D Max. We set up some funny scenes. I got to play in the yard with my nieces too. It was so relaxing. My wife got me a sweet back back for my art stuff, some sketch pads, some drawing books so I can work on different styles, and a really nice set of markers. She really got me a bunch of stuff that I would have picked out myself and that really felt good. That was really special.

Then, on Saturday, my Mom and Step father came down to see me. My mom got me a Philly Eagles recliner and some small stuff that only she would find. She also brought down some food that she knows that I love. We watched the Flyers and Phillies lose but we enjoyed the games. After the drama that consumed me that I discussed in the last post, the weekend really turned it around. I can honestly say this was the best birthday that I had in a really, really long time.

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Another F'ing panic attack

Well, I am going through a panic attack. My wife went all spastic about my student loans and got me all worked up. I am supposed to be in bed sleeping before I have to get up early to go to marriage counseling. Well that is not going to happen. I am sitting here trying to remember to breathe. I know money is tight but what the fuck? I don't need all of this shit. After looking for about 5 minutes I found out that the payments can be deferred until I graduate next year. In addition to that there are ways to reduce the payments when they come. Even though I found all of that, I am still so jacked up from the panic attack that I cannot calm down. Before I sat down to type this I went for a mile walk and I am still not calmed down. Those "escape fantasies" that my therapist is helping work through are making a comeback in a big way. For those of you that don't know what an escape fantasy it is when you feel like taking a gun to your head not so you can kill yourself but to "ESCAPE" whatever is driving you nuts. It was fun walking around while the school buses drove by and wondered if I had the balls to jump in front of one. Well, obviously I didn't do that but I am sure pissed that all of that positive work is unraveling right before my eyes. I am a wreck and I would love to bet that the wife goes off at the session today ending that streak as well. I guess when the bottom drops out on you it really drops fast. I don't like this game and I don't want to play anymore....

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Its been a while....

Well...I have really not been around here much so I guess I will talk about something. I am still enjoying the solitude that is my new demeanor. I have been playing more games offline than on and that is fine with me. I am currently hooked on The Show and Hot Shots Golf on the PS3. I am also playing through the old Metal Gear Solids to get ready for the next one. I never played 2 or 3 and always wanted to so this is a good time I guess. I still play Rock Band on 360 every now and again. I just picked up RB6V2 and played that for about a half hour. On the PSP front I am playing God of War and on the DS is Ninja Gaiden. So I guess I really have a full plate as far as games go. I got the COD4 map pack for free from the local Game Stop which was nice. Still haven't played them though. That is enough about games.

I am really digging my classes this term in school. I am taking a 3D animation class and learning 3D Max. I really enjoy it and I think I am getting the hang of it. I will post some pics up here someday when I get in the mood. I really don't show my stuff off a great deal yet. I am also taking a Character Development class. This is really opening my eyes to the psychology behind developing a deeper character. I am about a third through the term and I am getting As in both classes.

On the marriage front things are really good right now. We have made a great deal of progress and I really feel good about where we are going. We are back to the point where it is fun to be around each other. This is something that was lost for a great deal of time. We are even gaming every now again. We are working through Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga on PS3 and Rock Band on 360.

As far as the whole bipolar thing goes, I am at the current dose of meds that the doc wants me at. It is 1/4 of the max dose and I guess this is really the jumping off point to see where my dose goes from here. I think that it will go up again in the near future. The doc said that guy my size (6'5'' 255lbs) needs bigger doses. So who knows. So far my thoughts have slowed down and, as the doc the predicted, my panic has really toned down. I feel to be more on an even keel and hope this continues. The next step is to learn my triggers and manage both the highs and lows. Currently, I am having trouble managing the highs. Ain't that some shit?

Anyway, that is enough ramblings. I am going to continue to watch my 360 collect dust and wondering how the pecking order in my house is now PS3 then Wii then 360. Maybe I am more fucked up than I realize. Just kidding....later.

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Week 2 continued....

Well, this is the worst that I have felt since I started my meds. This is the first day that I feel down and I am supposed to track this stuff so I am firing something up here to document it. The meds are doing a good job and I need to give them another week and a half to get in my system fully but this day just sucks. I really don't want to talk to anyone. I am forcing myself to talk to try and get out this before it settles in. I had a talk with my therapist today and she and my doctor agree that I am going down the right path. The trick now is learning how to manage the whole thing and work on that even keel that I need to find. Anyway, hopefully after I get home and get some rest about 6 hours from now I can hit the reset button and get out of this nosedive.

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Week 2 thoughts

Well, I am in my second week of my meds. There is some good and some bad. I will be doubling my dose on Thursday per the doc. So that should be interesting. Anyway, I am not sure that I am ever going to be the social gamer that I once was. Even though that my anxiety is under control, I just cannot get in the mood to jump on at this time. I will always be 2o2p. I cannot deal with the Timmy population. So when I want to play it will be 2o2p. I just can't seem to get my bearings as far as being comfortable with me. I am having more fun just playing off line and doing my own thing. I am playing a great deal of The Show and even Ninja Gaiden Sigma. I think that I will end up playing more action and RPGs for awhile as well. I will be getting a PS2 off of a co-worker to catch up on DMC and MGS. I have DMC4 and will start that eventually but I think that it would be nice to be able to play the whole story out. I really only played the first MGS and would like to play some the other two before diving into the fourth one this June. I am really all FPSed out. I am not even looking to pickup RSV2. I could not stand Halo 3 and COD4 just sits there. I tired Resistance on PS3 and it was just like the rest of them. I can still play GOW with the PPCers but that is about it. I think that I am getting back to my gaming roots in the form of sports, RPGs, action, and what ever the hell SSMB is.

I tried to get into the MLB 2K8 season in PPC but the lag is just killing the experience. So, of course, after nobody was playing NHL 08 and I completed my season and trading it in, I get an invite to an NHL 08 league. Oh well, maybe they can patch 2K and I can get into a league that way. I really would like to get into an NBA 2K league later in the year.

To all of you who see me online and can get me to play, thanks. You are really helping. Hopefully I will get there someday.

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Marriage Session

I had my weekly session with my wife and our counselor and it actually went pretty well. We talked in length about the whole bi polar thing and what that means for our relationship. There were a great deal of things discussed as far as what kind of moods are in my normal cycle. Three were identified and discussed in length. My wife actually was doing a good job of managing my moods before this whole thing came up. It seems that now I am doing my part by taking the mood stabilizer and really trying to hit this thing head on. It has been a week now since I started the new meds and my racing thoughts are starting to slow down and my anxiety/panic problem is leveling out. For the first time in a long time I feel there is some progress being made. One of the biggest things that I have to address is my impulse spending. I spend way too much on things like games and Manga books. That is something that I have to discuss in my solo sessions. I want to be able to buy things without worrying that I will go off of the deep end. So until I can do that I will be buying nothing. (Although my last buy was yesterday in the form of the new Crystal Chronicles game for the DS.) One thing that I have is an impulse game waiting for me. I have a copy of DMC4 that is my back up of my need to get some thing new is too strong. Another is the fact that I am playing the RTTS mode in The Show. That is a really fun mode. I am a pitcher for the 'AA' club for the Twins right now. Anyway, like I said for the first time in a long time I feel good about where things are going. That is much different than the suicidal mood I was in for a couple of months. I am still adjusting to the new moods and the lack of racing thoughts. Even though where I was at before sucked, it was still my comfort zone. Good talk....I will see you out there....

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Results of the meeting with the Specialist

Well the results are in and I am officially bi polar. I am sure how to handle the whole thing but after reading up on it I can say that it certainly fits. I am on a mood stabilizer and will continue my therapy. Like I said before, I am still trying to get my head around this. I found this out on Thursday and it took me until now to actually blog it. There are a great deal of things that I have to wrap my head around all of aspects that are affected by this.

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I got the Show a day early

I know it is not like last week early but I got the show a day early and that is exciting since this is a game that I have been waiting for. Just thought I would share. I am going to play it now.

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