It's 3 o'clock in the morning......

It's 3AM and I am at work.  I have been pretty much out of it most of the shift.  Everything is annoying me and I am sick of working on this animation project for school.  I think I went too big and now I think it sucks.  I am contemplating redoing the characters in a much simpler manner.  I am really am really struggling with using the bone system in 3D Max.  I can set them up and pose them.  I am having trouble with making them move fluidly.  No matter what I do with the key frames they seem to be just a little off.  I was hoping to do just touch ups for the last week of the term but this project might come down to the wire.  I didn't even start the final project for my other class.  I think I will start sketching that on my lunch break so I can go sit somewhere and focus.  Oh well, whatever.  I have to stay strong because in 14 months I will be a college grad.  WOOHOO!!

Posted by Shuttdown @ 3:10 am EDT | Permalink | 0 Comments

Hands on Wii Wheel and more drugs

I was at the game store today and got my hands on a Wii Wheel for preparation for the great Mario Kart marathon at my place Saturday night and I have to say that I am impressed.  It is sturdy and feels like a steering wheel should.  There is some weight to it and the extended button on the back is very responsive.  I was concerned about this after that craptastic gun thing Nintendo forced down our throats.  All of my fears are gone....GAME ON!!!! While at the game store I was able to procure a Wii for the in-laws.  They are very excited.

I should have a great deal of time to game this weekend since the wife will be away all weekend.  So all I have is some school work, gaming, and the NFL draft to care about this weekend.  This should be fun.

On a side note, I was at the old doctor today and I am on another drug to help me sleep.  My anxiety is creeping in and I have only been getting 3 hours a night.  Hopefully this is the sweet spot that gets me where I need to be.

Posted by Shuttdown @ 11:17 pm EDT | Permalink | 1 Comments

Got some games...Getting some mo'....

Well in the wake of the shit storm that was the other day I felt the need to get lost in some digital worlds. I picked up GT5 Prologue, The Club, RB6 Vegas (PSP), Ratchet & Clank (PS3), The World Ends With You, and Okami (Wii). I will be getting Mario Kart this weekend as well. Next week I will be getting GTA4. And in May I will be getting Wii Fit and Boom Blocks. That should do it I guess.

Anyway, I went from the emotional floor to the emotional ceiling in the last week. I am now on a huge up emotionally and I really don't know how to deal. I am really talkative and tough to be around. My wife tells me I am very "intense". This will easily be my sticking point in therapy. I have a meeting with the only drug doc to see where my dose should be at. I think that I am getting used to the dose and might need more because I am really up and down again. Hopefully we can get the right dose and sort this out. I am still much better than I was and that feels good. Even my wife said I was doing much better. That has never happened.

On the work front, I started talking to the content creation department where I work so I actually get a job creating content (which would be in my major). That is a huge step for me as I never step out of my comfort zone to do that. So chalk up another personal stride there.

Finally, I had my birthday over the weekend and I had a great time. I had a party on Friday with the in-laws and it was amazing. The best part of the part was with my nephew and nieces. I showed my nephew some of the work that I have done with Rag Doll stuff in 3D Max. We set up some funny scenes. I got to play in the yard with my nieces too. It was so relaxing. My wife got me a sweet back back for my art stuff, some sketch pads, some drawing books so I can work on different styles, and a really nice set of markers. She really got me a bunch of stuff that I would have picked out myself and that really felt good. That was really special.

Then, on Saturday, my Mom and Step father came down to see me. My mom got me a Philly Eagles recliner and some small stuff that only she would find. She also brought down some food that she knows that I love. We watched the Flyers and Phillies lose but we enjoyed the games. After the drama that consumed me that I discussed in the last post, the weekend really turned it around. I can honestly say this was the best birthday that I had in a really, really long time.


Posted by Shuttdown @ 2:43 am EDT | Permalink | 1 Comments

Another F'ing panic attack

Well, I am going through a panic attack.  My wife went all spastic about my student loans and got me all worked up.  I am supposed to be in bed sleeping before I have to get up early to go to marriage counseling.  Well that is not going to happen.  I am sitting here trying to remember to breathe.  I know money is tight but what the fuck?  I don't need all of this shit.  After looking for about 5 minutes I found out that the payments can be deferred until I graduate next year.  In addition to that there are ways to reduce the payments when they come.  Even though I found all of that, I am still so jacked up from the panic attack that I cannot calm down.  Before I sat down to type this I went for a mile walk and I am still not calmed down.  Those "escape fantasies"  that my therapist is helping work through are making a comeback in a big way.  For those of you that don't know what an escape fantasy it is when you feel like taking a gun to your head not so you can kill yourself but to "ESCAPE" whatever is driving you nuts.  It was fun walking around while the school buses drove by and wondered if I had the balls to jump in front of one.  Well, obviously I didn't do that but I am sure pissed that all of that positive work is unraveling right before my eyes.  I am a wreck and I would love to bet that the wife goes off at the session today ending that streak as well.  I guess when the bottom drops out on you it really drops fast.  I don't like this game and I don't want to play anymore....

Posted by Shuttdown @ 7:56 am EDT | Permalink | 3 Comments

Its been a while....

Well...I have really not been around here much so I guess I will talk about something.  I am still enjoying the solitude that is my new demeanor.  I have been playing more games offline than on and that is fine with me.  I am currently hooked on The Show and Hot Shots Golf on the PS3.  I am also playing through the old Metal Gear Solids to get ready for the next one.  I never played 2 or 3 and always wanted to so this is a good time I guess.  I still play Rock Band on 360 every now and again.  I just picked up RB6V2 and played that for about a half hour.  On the PSP front I am playing God of War and on the DS is Ninja Gaiden.  So I guess I really have a full plate as far as games go.  I got the COD4 map pack for free from the local Game Stop which was nice.  Still haven't played them though.  That is enough about games.

I am really digging my classes this term in school.  I am taking a 3D animation class and learning 3D Max.  I really enjoy it and I think I am getting the hang of it.  I will post some pics up here someday when I get in the mood.  I really don't show my stuff off a great deal yet.  I am also taking a Character Development class.  This is really opening my eyes to the psychology behind developing a deeper character.  I am about a third through the term and I am getting As in both classes.

On the marriage front things are really good right now.  We have made a great deal of progress and I really feel good about where we are going.  We are back to the point where it is fun to be around each other.  This is something that was lost for a great deal of time.  We are even gaming every now again.  We are working through Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga on PS3 and Rock Band on 360.

As far as the whole bipolar thing goes, I am at the current dose of meds that the doc wants me at.  It is 1/4 of the max dose and I guess this is really the jumping off point to see where my dose goes from here.  I think that it will go up again in the near future.  The doc said that guy my size (6'5'' 255lbs) needs bigger doses.  So who knows.  So far my thoughts have slowed down and, as the doc the predicted, my panic has really toned down.  I feel to be more on an even keel and hope this continues.  The next step is to learn my triggers and manage both the highs and lows.  Currently, I am having trouble managing the highs.  Ain't that some shit?

Anyway, that is enough ramblings.  I am going to continue to watch my 360 collect dust and wondering how the pecking order in my house is now PS3 then Wii then 360.  Maybe I am more fucked up than I realize.  Just kidding....later.

Posted by Shuttdown @ 4:51 am EDT | Permalink | 1 Comments