GTA 4 reviewed by my granddad.

#¤@@##§GODDAMNGOODFERNUTHINCRAPPYPIECEOFSHIT$$&}#@$¤!!!
That pretty much sums up this pile of dogshit excuse for a game. What the heck does young people see in this anyway??
You drive around doing absolutely nothing, that is when you're not robbing, killing or causing general havoc. I fail to see the difference between this and what I see outside my window every day. Filthy, lazy and unemployed foreigners spending their days sucking on this mighty nation's tit.They should all be driven to the border and given the bum's rush.

So there I was driving in, what's supposedly, a sportscar, only it handles worse than my lorry (incl. tools). I was told this was as close as you could get to real life in a videogame, so I assumed I'd just have to get the car overhauled and serviced before it was useable. Wrong! The so called service I got at this Pay'n'Spray was on par with WalMart on a sunday morning, when only pimple faced, hung over adolescents are on duty. They just splashed a new coat of paint on my car, and when i went back in to complain, they did it again. They should thank their lucky stars, I didn't have Margaret with me. Pay'n'Spray is just another low quality/high prices chain, which only serves on purpose: Drive out honest hardworking men, who actually care about their customers. That of all things, they got right.

As I was leaving the pay'n'Spray (§##&/#@$¤) this cellphone starts ringing. I don't own a cellphone, so what in hell convinced the so called Rockstars, I want one in this game??! At least they put in a feature to ignore it, so I did. Only for the damn thing to ring again 2 minutes later. Ignore. And so things went on for the next 10 mins, untill I finally decided to pick up. "Hello". Whaddaya know, it's another of those lowlife scumbags, that's snuck over the border, and this one openly suggests I should commit some form of crime. This is when i screamed into the microphone: "YOU SNOTNOSED MONKEY LOVER. I'VE STOOD UP FOR YOUR GOAT EATING COUNTRYMEN DURING WORLD WAR II AND THIS IS HOW YOU THANK ME AND 1000S OF OTHER HONEST MEN!!". I guess I hit a sore spot, because he promptly ended  the conversation.

I decided to go look for honest work, as this would show this foreign leech, Niko bellic, the value of sweating for your pay. It wasn't long before I found a scafolding, but as is the norm with young people these days no one was working there. I can only assume they were to drugged up to show up for work, so i took matters into my own hands and climbed up to finish whatever they were building. This is when nostalgia hit me. I remembered the old days, when we used to whistle at skirts. Good times. Of course I love my wife, but I don't see any harm in looking at the bee's knees. So I did. Whistling didn't produce the desired effect though. No dames turned around to let you know they appreciated the compliment, instead a cab on the other side of the street pulled over.
At this point I noticed a strange orange light coming under a bridge behind the cab, and decided to investigate. Low and behold, there was a nice looking shotgun, not as fine as Margaret, but fine enough for me. I decided to call her Greta, and went back my car. Only it wasn't my car. This scumbag I was supposed to be controlling, decides to smash the window on a parked car instead of taking his own sedan. Luckily a police officer was nearby, so I started yelling to him, that I didn't do it, and I had no idea why this scuzzbucket all of sudden started stealing cars. The police officer must've heard me, cause he proceeded to draw his sidearms and shoot this Niko Bellic character. Now normally I don't mind foreigners being shot, they always have it coming anyway, but this officer of the peace was a lousy shot and his shooting was clearly scaring honest men and women in the vicinity. I tried to calm him down over the microphone, but he ignored my pleas, so I had to draw out Greta and shoot him for the sake of the bystanders. I didn't bother to look for a payphone to call 911, since I could already hear an ambulance approaching.

I found my sedan and went to look for work elsewhere, only to be stopped by some woman chattering on her cellphone in the middle of a crossing, despite it being a clear red for her. Once again I had to give these people a piece of my mind, so I stepped out of the car and yelled "GET OUTTA THE WAY LADY!! I'M DRIVING HERE, SOME OF US ACTUALLY HAVE WORK TO DO!!"
This is when I noticed the 5 police cars and machine gun toting  officers, but before i could explain what had happened, I was shot dead.
That seemed like an appropriate lesson to Niko Bellic, and on that note I turned off the machine.

All in all this game seemed realistic as far as foreigners and car services go, I only wish the police were as dilligent as they are in this game, then we wouldn't have all these criminals running around.

Posted by Styrofoam @ 10:51 am EDT | Permalink | 2 Comments

Jack Thompson is right!

Videogames deprave our children, and I'm glad someone finally steps up to the plate and take
a swing at the culprits responsible for this depravation. I want to be able to leave my
children in front of a computer or console for hours at a time, without having to worry about
them being exposed to content, that will scar them for life, or even worse make criminals out
of them.

On that note I want Mario banned from every retailer in the world. I don't like the idea of
my children looking up to an obese, italian plumber, and especially one as morally inept as
Mario. Is this really a rolemodel for our children??
I say nay. Mario is a drug abusing  psychopath. When he's not getting high on mushrooms, he
spends his time jumping on innocent animals or smashing them with a huge mallet.
If that's not enough, Nintendo also decided to promote littering and road rage. I'm talking
about Mario Kart. This game series only teaches children, that it's okay to throw  trash on
the road, ram into each other when in control of a motorized vehicle and in general pay no
attention to speed limits. To add insult to injury the cruelty towards animals seems to be a
recurring theme. If you're out of trash, then by all means throw whatever is at hand after
other motorists. It doesn't matter if it's an animal or not, as long as you get your revenge.



Finally, the newest games in the Mario universe have taken the drug abuse up one notch. It's
no longer enough to have the main character eat mushrooms, Nintendo wants children to
experience what it's like to be on drugs by letting them fly around among the stars, which is
nothing but a glorification of a so called "high". I've never experimented with drugs myself,
but let me tell you this: a drug "high" is nothing like flying among the stars. It's a brain
melting experience that more often than not will leave the abuser in a psychosis.



We need to stop this kind of filth at the source. A worldwide ban of the Mario games is not
enough, Nintendo will have to close down to make sure we can leave our children unattended in
front of a console or computer. How can these people live with themselves?? Do their families
even know what they're doing for a living??

Posted by Styrofoam @ 6:48 am EDT | Permalink | 2 Comments

Videogame Villains I could beat up

Before you read this you should know, that I am by no means what would pass as a man in British Columbia. The closest thing I've ever been to working out is watching weightlifting. I wear specs and is more proficient with a computer than I ever will be with a broad sword (this includes the digital kind). In short, I would probably stand a better chance as a Victoria's Secret model, than as a bouncer at a nightclub. Still I recon I could beat up the following pussy villains if I met them in the flesh.

Team Rocket (Pokemon):
Let's see a wannabe goth with purple hair dressed up to match his girlfriend's outfit. Said the girlfriend is a whiney redhead, who'll start crying as soon as she's met with the slightest resistance. Oh, and that annoying cat (of course all cats are). No problem. I'd bitch slap James a few times just to show "him" I want my beer cold as a polar bear's asshole. Go fetch boy! This should also be enough to turn on the Jesse fosset, and if it isn't, a few good punches to her kindey will. Of course I could also beat them into submission with an assortment of hamsters, rats and mice, just to show them other cool uses for pets. The cat just needs a duct tape treatment, a price tag and a lot no. on eBay, I'm pretty sure a talking cat would net me a nice amount.



Eggman (Sonic):
A fat, geriatric circus runaway in a wheelchair or hover chair (or whatever that is), that continually get's his ass handed to him by a hedgehog. Aw come on, a piss in the electrical systems should short that chair-thingy out, leaving him open for a gently push over the edge of Patronas Tower ... and when I say gentle I mean hard, and when I say push, I mean kick in the teeth. Effect is the same.

Psycho Mantis (MGS):
This is just plain stupid. "Let's send an anorexiac, gasmask wearing leather fetischist after whoever's trying to get to us. Better let him play with vibrating toys too to make sure any potential threat dies laughing."
I'm not even sure, I even need to smack this scrawney wanker around to beat him. I would shove every claire voyant themed book out there up his ass ... if I wasn't sure he'd just enjoy that.

Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde (Pacman):
I don't believe in ghosts, so this must be 4 midgets, who've raided a gay parade wardrobe. Wearing a hippie pncho with no hole for the head doesn't scare anyone. It doesn't matter how fast you can run, try picking a fight wearing a sheet, and see who wins.
As for these four assclown, 2 hours on 95 degrees celcius should shut them up.



Bowser (Mario):
An overgrown turtle with filed down teeth, and he doesn't even know kung-fu. Ooh, I'm so scared. It's a freaking turtle for crying out loud.
Turn it on it's back, match over.

I win!

Posted by Styrofoam @ 1:37 pm EDT | Permalink | 0 Comments

It's a Brave New World

... and I'm not talking the Aldous Huxley kind of brave new world. I'm talking the kind where  computers, cell phones, transportable media players and other electronic gadgetry is a pivotal part of everyones life ... along with all those manuals, chargers and cables of course. Setting up your TV is no longer a matter of plugging in 2 cables and hooking it up to  a power outlet. Nope. These days setting up a HD tv requires nothing short of a ph.d in electro-mechanics (with a minor in arts to get the right color scheme).
Squeezebox no longer means, what you think it means, now it refers to a whole new kind of entertainment unit.

What this means - besides a rise in domestic disturbances due to angry dads rampaging living rooms in frustration over taiwanese manuals they can't understand - is that we should soon see a new kind of bully in the school yard. Gone are the days of the jock, who'll beat any oppositon to a bloody pulp or make the scrawney kids eat ladybugs. Enter the geek, who'll keep his peers knee deep in mp3s, games and free porn. Instead of beating anyone up, he'll send them a warning in the guise of a nice email bomb or a ddos attack on you fave web 2.0 application, and if he really wants to get even he'll get a keylogger and/or trojan on to your computer and suck your trustfund dry.

No more "Back down assclown, or I'll fuck you up so bad, you own mom won't recognize you".
Enter "Go home and learn to write your own drivers, you pansy" or "Shaddap you good-fer-nuthin' 404 head"

... Now gimme some positive feedback on this entry, or I'll post all those enbarrasing photos on your D: drive in the NSFW forum

Posted by Styrofoam @ 12:21 pm EDT | Permalink | 0 Comments

Confessions of a 16 bit graphics whore

Today I was browsing through the Hall of Light (Amiga games database), when I realized something. I'm a 16 bit graphics whore!
I'm so ashamed. I always advocate gameplay over graphics, ALWAYS, and then this hits me right in the groin like a 300 pund lumber jack wearing safety boots. Ouch.

I only stopped at games with lush graphics. Games like Chaos Engine, Blood Money and Speedball 2, and thinking back those were all superb games, but so was SWOS, Nebulus and Tetris. Had i pushed those aside due to lacklustre graphics, then I'm not sure, I would've have been the person I am today. Admitted, that's exagerated, but those title mentioned are all personal classics, that were part of my gaming upbringing. Imagine me browsing through the same database in 1993 looking for games worthy of some intimate time with X-Copy, I could easily have missed out on some true gems.

I think I need some quality time together with WinUAE, maybe I missed out on something stellar.

16 bit rules

Posted by Styrofoam @ 6:45 am EDT | Permalink | 0 Comments