Viking: Battle for Asgard

Sorry to disappoint you gents. There is no nudity in this game, might as well save your money for a few quality porn site subscriptions.

OK, that's not completely true. there is something resembling a washed down version of Blue Hustler; Freya's sideboob ... and her adversariy Hel is prancing around in a rather skimpy outfit. What I don't understand tho', is why they don't settle it like real women. That means locking lips and rolling around naked in a puddle of mud.
So what it comes down to, is you paying £40 for 2-3 sideboob glimpses from a princess Leia look-a-like *sigh*

What I don't get is how creative Assembly can get away with this. Conan was released less than 2 months ago, and that game flashes titties right in yer face right from the get go. Any game with that much balls deserves to sell 100 million copies (trhat's roughly the entire gameplaying world). Of course watching Conan's ass for the rest of the game drags that number down a bit ... except in San Francisco I suspect. Still, tits WOOHOOO!!

So what else is in Viking, or more like who else ... and is she wearing any clothes??
You'll come across a few women, or more like the same woman, wearing the exact same 20 layers dress. Come on this is a scandinavian chick. That means she's blonde, delicious and more than willing to put out. have you CA even seen what scandinavian girls look like these days. here's a hint, they live by the MTV-megastar credo: less is better. meaning skimpy outfits only. But the girl in Viking seems to have missed that point completely, making her nothing but a boring distractiopn, that'll keep you occupied for the 5 secs it takes for your dvd player to boot up the latest Silvia Saint fuck-a-thon.

Unless you're into something weird like lotsa blood, dismemberments, axes, cages and ogrish looking guys, then stay clear of this POS

... oh and here's some inspiration to how it should've been done

Posted by Styrofoam @ 3:17 am EDT | Permalink | 0 Comments

What's wrong with me?!

I don't like First Person Shooters. It's not that I hate them, I just find them to be boring. Much like any EA sports game I'd rather spend a romantic evening in bed with my old math teacher, than I want to waste time on this rehashed dribble. Apparently this is not a valid oppinion in most gaming communities. Timmie will start screaming leet speak ... sorry 1337 sp34k at me for not wanting to perform fellatio on the entire Bungie staff. He fails to see past all the eye candy, and realize that at heart, this is the exact same game he's been playing for the last 3 iterations *cough* Halo
I'm probably only one out of a total of 12 people who bought Crackdown for Crackdown, and not for the coveted Halo 3 beta.

Sometimes I think, I'm the only person in the entire gameplaying world who doesn't enjoy FPSes. I did once. I've spent countless hours playing Doom with my mates back in the early 90s, laughing manically at the screen whenever I took out an opponent with a well aimed rocket to the groin. I've completed Half Life, Black Hawk Down, NOFL and Black, but other than that, I've found FPSes about as exciting as sticking my left arm out of the window.

... and another thing ... No wait, that's not really rant-esque enough.
I'M NOT FINISHED TALKING HERE, SO SIT DOWN AND SHADDAP! (Better??  )
It seems every other FPS out there is WW2 themed. There are only so many ways you can keep playing the same missions. It's always equip your Carbine and handgrenades ... sorry Timmie, 'nades, take out 3 outposts, sneak into french village and place a bomb. Next missions is use your Carbine and 'nades, take out 4 outposts, sneak into another french village and shoot target. Next missions is equip ... well I'm sure you get the picture, just replace mission goal with get documents, destroy radio and/or talk to contact for further instructions. I'm an old fart, I tend to forget things, but I remember playing such missions 10 years ago on the PSX, and if I boot up any WW2 FPS released within the last year, I'm willing to bet my left ball, that I'll still be equiping my Carbine and 'nades before sneaking into some inane french village to __________ (insert mission parameter from above). Enough with the WW2 themes already!

But why didn't Bioshock, Crysis, Far Cry etc. appeal to me then??
It's new backdrops. Some innovations has been attempted, and still I find them as interesting and exciting as the aforementioned math teacher.
Maybe something really is wrong with me?? Maybe Timmie is right??

I miss my Dreamcast

Posted by Styrofoam @ 4:04 am EDT | Permalink | 4 Comments

Shmup comeback ... There's always hoping.

So it finally happened. Ikaruga was released for XBLA, and not a moment too soon. Not so much because it's the best shoot 'em up ever created, but because the old school shmup is dying a slow death ... or at least it has for the past 10 years. I'm not expecting this release to revitalize the genre, it is after all a niche market, but if it does well, we just might see a few more of yesteryears faves in HD glory.
Of Course Radiant Silvergun springs to mind. This gem is virtually unknown outside gaming circles, since it only saw releases in the arcades and on the Saturn. For the uninitiated I can tell you, that since Ikaruga was originally release in 1998, there have been heated discussions, as to which is better. Ikaruga or Radiant Silvergun, and the only thing the two canps can agree on, is that we need the rumoured 3rd installment in the series.

Einhänder and most of Psikyo's gaming catalogue would also make great additions to XBLA. Or what about the classics on Capcoms CPS1 and 2. Aerofighters, Dodonpachi, Blood Money, Gradius, R-Type ... the list goes on. All would make great additions to XBLA, and I could finally sit in the comfort of a leather chair and enjoy a co-op bullet curtain.

I know I'm pretty much alone on this in a 3D gaming world, where it's all about Capture the Flag and Deathmatch. There's not much the shmup has to offer to Timmie. All he sees is a repetitive 2D snore fest, where he can't teabag anyone. He fails to realize that getting  good at shmup'ing actually takes practice and skills. Even with a 2x2 hitbox anyone is hardpressed when the entire screen is filled with bullets. There's no hiding behind a wall while your energy refills, you have to find a way through that, which can be infinitely harder than setting up camp and sniping people running by ... and so much more entertaining.

... Again, what was the release date for GTA4??

Posted by Styrofoam @ 6:25 am EDT | Permalink | 0 Comments