Fun in the Sun (until you go to the Hospital)

It’s been a while since I had a chance to write here, due to being well overworked and occupied by stupid parties. (If I have to go to another girlfriends’ cousins’ ugly child’s 2nd birthday party, I’m going to run screaming into traffic) But as I sit here staring out of the window of my office, looking upon the beautiful summer weather, I got to thinking about how great it was to have the summers off as a kid. Besides the normal activities of a child when the weather is nice (sports, biking, swimming, jerking off), I thought about two summertime toys that brought me great joy as a child, and also plenty of pain. We had both of these at my grandmother’s house, and every summer we would bust them out. And every summer, someone would get hurt. But we never stopped, because we were kids, and kids are fucking stupid.   We also weren’t pussies like most kids these days. As a result, I don’t think they sell either of these items anymore. (I know one has for sure been banned in the US).

Take Me Out To The Ballgame....so I can see lesbians!!

Well, it seems that I hit the brown note with my "guide to gamers" blog....(geez, make one negative comment about Halo players, and they all turn their backs on you) So I'm abandoning it to talk about an issue of the upmost importance....lesbians making out at baseball games!!

Seems that at Safeco Field, late last week, two women were told by an usher to stop kissing, as it was making other fans "uncomfortable". As soon as I heard of this issue, I immediately thought........"Were they hot?"

Now maybe I am vain, but no one wants to go to a Mariners game, or any sporting event for that matter, and watch two uggo's make out, no matter what gender. If I go to a college football game, and two hot 19 year old sorority sisters start making out, guess how many people are calling the usher over.......NONE, unless he has a camera. So I immediately thought that these girls must have been butch in order for someone to complain. Turns out that these women were not that bad looking, but were "making a scene" with their aggressive necking and groping.

So people are there at the game with their kids, and they were getting upset. So they complained about it. This is what pisses me off.......if that was a guy and a girl making out, no matter how attractive or not, they never would've complained. At least not right away. If it was two guys making out, they would have burned the stadium to the fucking ground. The fact is that they are too uncomfortable with the issue of homosexuality and with gay people in general, so they can't explain to their dumb child that those people are gay and drunk and making out. They'd much rather say it's disgusting and go get the fat usher to draw even more attention to the situation. So listen, stop this whole "I'm too uncomfortable to explain gay people to my kid, so I'm going to ruin it for everyone else" routine. Don't take away my god given right to watch two chicks make out. To be honest, I'm much more uncomfortable with a guy and a girl being all kissy face at a ballgame: "Turn around and watch the game asshat. Be pussy-whipped when you get home." At least seeing two people of the same sex making out is a conversation starter.

Turns out that the one attention grubbing twat everyone was talking about was a contestant on A Shot Of Penicillin with Tila Tequila, one of the most despicable reality TV shows ever concocted. So I'm absolutely certain as soon as they saw that their kissing was making people uncomfortable, they turned it up a notch just to make an even bigger scene.

But the fact of the matter is, They're Here, They're Queer, Get Used To It. Your kids are going to learn about gay people eventually, they may as well learn it from you. Would you rather they learn it from their roomate in college while "experimenting"? I thought not. I look forward to the time when I can take my son to a ballgame, and he turns to me and says, "Dad, why are those two girls kissing." And I'll turn to him with a tear in my eye and say, "That son, is the most beautiful thing in the world."

I mean....if they are hot. Otherwise, I'm getting the fucking usher.

Ugh,,,,,

A Geeks Guide to Gamers - Part 1

The world "classifies" us. They taunt and mock us. They place us in a category and label us....as "Gamers". They consider us nerds. Geeks, if you will. And for the most part, well, they couldn't be more right. But the term gamer reaches so many sublevels, that no two gamers are alike (like snowflakes or coldsores). Whether you are in constant pursuit of digital blood, looking for a way to beat a puzzle, grinding to unlock armor for your Dark Elf, trying to put up 72 on a virtual Baltimore Ravens squad, or simply propelling hookers through your windshield by driving 100 miles an hour into a concrete barrier, we all differ greatly. Some fit squarely into one category. Some of us cross-pollinate some or all of the gaming groups. But gaming is becoming the mainstream. Our games outsell movie premiers. Our grandmothers virtual bowl. Our children learn the delight of sticking a glowing blue grenade to someone. So I decided to create a little guideline to help you identify yourself and the complete strangers you are playing with. Because if we can't categorize each other, how else are we going to subjugate and ridicule the other groups? This is A Geeks Guide to Gamers. And this is Part 1.

Preface

Let me start by saying, I AM going to fuck this up. I am going to miss a group of people or misuse a term. I'm going to leave something or someone out, and if that is the case, you weren't important enough to be included. Also, I'm going to try and focus on the types of people that play certain games or game types, not so much the games themselves. So don't get all pissy because I didn't talk about Guitar Hero, even though we all know how awesome you are at it. Fact of the matter is, there are subcategories of the subcategories of the certain gaming genre's, and it's way too much to get into. I'm just not as big of a nerd as you, so let's leave it at that. I will also do my best to make fun of as many people as possible. Onward.....

Part One - One Game to Rule Them All: This section is about those that dedicate their lives to one game or franchise only. They are dedicated, competitive, egotistical, and most of the time they are complete fucking jerkoffs.

• The Madden-ite - We all know this fucking joker. You usually see him roaming around Gamestop's come late July. That means Madden is on the horizon, and it is time again to dominate. With his off-kilter hat and baggy pants, he is blacker than Chris Rock in his mind, and whiter than Kris Kringle's beard in his heart. He lives for sports games, particularly Madden, because other video games are for fucking dorks, and he is no dork (at least that is what he thinks). This is the cocksucker that you see on "Madden Nation" when you are flipping through the channels and he is getting handed a check for $100,000, and you throw up in your mouth a little. It's a shame too, because if the asshole gave any other games a chance, he'd probably enjoy them. Well known to fucking quit if you are beating them with 30 seconds left in the 4th quarter. Age range: 15-30

• The Halo-er - Slightly more deplorable than the Maddenite, and certainly more vocally annoying, the Haloer eats, sleeps, breathes, and shits all things Halo. They won't shut the fuck up. Period. They talk about Halo, how great they are at Halo, how Halo is the best game ever created, how they would let themselves be penetrated by Master Chief. And most of the time they are talking about this WHILE they are playing Halo. Halo, Halo, FUCKING HALO. I am honestly deeply grateful to Bungie for adding the mute feature to this game, or I never would play it. Now mind you, there are people that play online that are super fucking annoying no matter what game they are playing, but none is greater in assholedness (new word) than the Haloer. Also known to be a whiny piece of shit quitter when they are losing. Age range: 5 (if I go by voice pitch) - 100.

• The Console Fanboy - Holy fucking shit, I don't know anyone who likes these people. Although they don't fit into the game or franchise mold of this section, they certainly belong here. Their steadfast dedication to the console of their choosing is only outdone by their propensity to fucking tell everyone about it. And if you don't own or play that console, well then you are the fucking anti-christ. They tend to gather in bunches on message boards, usually on the ones dedicated to the console that they don't even fucking own, just so they can tell you what an asshole you are because you play the XBOX 360 instead of the Playstation 3. It happens for no good reason other than they want to think that they bought the best, most awesomest system available. And the second their insecurity kicks in, and they don't feel that way anymore, they go on the attack. I don't get it. It's not like they get paid to play that console!! They don't work for Sony do they? It's not just the Playstation either......Console Fanboy's have existed for all systems since Atari vs. Colecovision. As long as there is a rival system, Console Fanboy's will spawn. The best way to shut up a Console Fanboy is to tell them that you own all 3 of the major systems, and maybe if their Mom didn't spend all her hard earned tips on smack and herpes medication, then they might have the pleasure of owning them all too. Actually, it's probably best just to ignore these fuckers. Age Range: Infinite.

that's it for Part One. I'll get around to Part 2 in a few days.

I Won't Flip-Flop on This Issue

What I'm about to describe to you is mind-bottling. (You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?) We currently have an issue here at work. An issue of such grand contention, that it could shake the earth to its core. An issue so great that people have lost their jobs....no, their LIVES...in support of their cause. That issue is.......why can't we wear flip-flops to work?!? I'm not even fucking joking.

With the warm summer months approaching, our human resources department makes sure to remind the staff of our summer dress code policy: "LONG shorts and sneakers are acceptable on Fridays only, sandals are always acceptable and Flip Flops are NEVER acceptable". Read the last part of that sentence again without your head exploding. "Sandals are always acceptable and Flip Flops are NEVER acceptable" This is the type of thing that drives people out of their minds.

Personally, I'm not a "flip-flop" guy. I wear them at the beach or when I'm roaming around the house. I'm not one of those dudes that feels the need to wear their American Eagle Outfitters flip-flops everywhere I go....the mall, movies, work, weddings, funerals, etc. And I don't like sandals because I'm not a hippy or Jesus. But seriously, are you telling me that the difference between this

And it doesn't stop there. We have added a new contender to the arena. This fucking monstrosity: