Casting off the chains.....of chains

So I got in a heated discussion with my girlfriends notoriously cheap father the other day regarding dining out.  I had just got done telling him of this wonderful meal that I took his daughter out for, at a fancy restaraunt called Creed's Seafood and Steaks in King of Prussia, PA.  He asked what we ate and I told him salmon for her and a $38 Delmonico steak for me (which was so delicious, I cried a little while eating it).  Well, this set him the fuck off. "$38 for a steak?!?!?  You could go to Outback and get a steak dinner for $8!!"  I responded to this by laughing in his face and telling him that the same thing could be said of a prostitute, and believe me, the one you pay $8 for is far different than the one you pay $38 for.  But it got me thinking about a few things:

1. What an asshole!
2. I have pictures of your daughters mouth on my hog, and I'm going to bring them to Thanksgiving dinner.
3. Do people enjoy eating at the "chain" restaurants?

If there is one thing you must know about me, it's that I now have a huge cock, thanks to the wonderful creams I heard about via spam email.  The second thing is, I spare no expense when it comes to food.  I enjoy eating.  I eat healthy.  I eat quality cuts of meats and fish, and when I go out to dinner I don't care how much it costs as long as I enjoy eating it.  I set a little extra money aside each month so my girl and I can eat at the best places in the Philly area.  So I generally steer clear of the chain establishments.  But I didn't always.  So I decided to rate 5 of them from best to worst, based upon my dining experiences.  I know there are more chains, and they vary based upon where you live, but I wanted to stick with the 5 that are the most advertised.  Feel free to disagree.  Feel free to call me a food snob......also feel free to keep your stupid opinions to yourself.  Remember - Best to Worst.  Enjoy!

5.  Chili's - Chili's Baby Back Ribs!!  Barbeque Sauce!!.  That's some catchy shit right there (at least it was like 7 years ago...but anyway).  Chili's kicks the ass out of all these other places.  I spent many days at this place during my college years.  Their fajitas rule, the beer is super cold, and the service is about as good as one could expect from one of these joints.  I can say that 75% of the time, I liked the food I ate there.

4. Ruby Tuesday's - A distant second to Chili's, but they have some really good burgers.  Everything else is so-so.  The places are usually pretty tidy and the service is OK.  Not bad, not great.

3..  Outback - Blooming Onion.  Ice cold beers.  That's it.  Everything else sucks my blooming brown bum star.  My girlfriends father can shove the $8 steak up his cheap ass.  This place makes me feel like I'm eating in the 1850's.  Dingy ass skillets and silverware accompany every meal.  I understand you want the "authentic" Australian dining experience, but making me feel like I'm prospecting for gold is not helping me enjoy my sub-par food.

2.  Applebee's - There is a reason why everyone refers to this place as "Crapplebee's".  Because that's what everything there tastes like when I put it in my mouth - A mixture of crap, apples, and bees.  Deadly swarms of angry stinging poisonous bees destroying my tastes buds and sucking my will to live.  What the fuck is a Riblet anyway.  That shit ain't real, is it?!?!  It sounds like frog's ribs. 

It was close, but there is only one place worse than the Apps.....

1. TGI Friday's - Aww, how cute...Thank God it's Friday's.  They should call it Thank God It's Fucking Diahrrea...because that's what's on it's way when you eat here.  The food is horrible. Their $9 drinks suck.  The atmosphere is easily the shittiest out of all these places (are those barber poles on the sign...I don't get it.)  And then to top it all off, they got this frosted douche as their spokesperson:

That's right....Gay Ferrari.....or Guy Fieri...whatever his name is.  I don't care if he is a great chef.....he endorses the asshole of the chain universe.  He sucks, their commercials suck, their food sucks, and if you like it here, well then you also suck.

Thanks for reading....get back to work.

 

 

 

Posted by TheBeerBaron @ 1:20 pm EDT | Permalink | 18 Comments

Spamming to my subconcious

I can't believe how many emails I get a day that belittle the size of my prong.  I must get 50 spam emails a day asking why my dick is so small and how my woman can continue to go unsatisfied.  I'm not going to sit here and lie to you....I am doing alright in the pants department...at least I haven't gotten any direct complaints.  But after the 30th email asking me if my dick "resembles a shrimp", I begin to wonder....am I all I can be?  Does this stuff really work?  Wouldn't I have heard about it on Dateline or something instead of from my Spam filter?

Seriously, if there was a pill or a cream that actually made your dick bigger, guys would buy that shit by the case.  We'd all be wheeling our dicks around in shopping carts.  We'd pass out from brain blood loss everytime we got an erection.  And who is telling these people that I have a tiny dick?!  That's seriously fucked up! Have they polled my previous sexual partners? Do they just send these emails to everyone?  Do they send emails to guys who already have huge porno junk that say "dude....your dick is waayyy too big...you need to tone that sucker down."

How do they know they are sending these to the correct gender?  Do girls get "bigger dick" spam emails?  Or do they get "buy bigger titties" emails.  Would they even need those emails?  I'm pretty sure that all women know about the miracle of implants, so I'm sure that they don't need to advertise via spam.  Or do women get "bigger vagina" emails?  That'll get you thinking!!  "Ladies, is your vag to tiny?  Do you want a big meaty camel toe? Then click this link and men will break down your door with their giant cream-enhanced johnsons like a battering ram."

This is the type of thing I think about when I'm at work not working.  Strange minds.......

 

Posted by TheBeerBaron @ 9:17 pm EDT | Permalink | 8 Comments