Wigman's Blog - 2old2play

Job Opening!

Subject: FBI Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background

checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two

men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the

men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you

will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . .

Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my

wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and

went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came

out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The

agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.. She was given the same

instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,

bangin g on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from

her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy.

Don't mess with them.

Later

[3 Comments]

Over my dead body

For all those dads of girls out there!

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ______________________________________________________________

     ______________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married _______________________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires?                           __Yes __No

C. A waterbed?                                                  __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?             __Yes __No

E. A tattoo?                                                       __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,                   __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does' ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

___________________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating .

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad 's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful , like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[5 Comments]

He He

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,

And accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"

Later

[1 Comments]

new phone

Found my new phone

Have a good weekend everyone

later

[1 Comments]

Here's one for the thumbs down fairy for my last entry!

Eddie wanted so desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.. so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

[0 Comments]

Whats up

Well time to get online and game has been pretty much spanked lately but I can still slip in a funny now and then!

                An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

                The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the

                86-year-old said,

                Things are great and I've never felt better.

                I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

                "So what do you think about that Doc?"

                The doctor considered his question for a minute and

                then began to tell a story.

                "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter

                and never misses a season.

                One day he was setting off to go hunting.

                In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane

                instead of his gun."

                "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

                He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

                Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang'."

                "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

                Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

                The 86-year-old said,

                "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

                The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Later

[2 Comments]

funnies

Well its been some time since I posted and... well really thought about it but just wanted to say hey to all that actually read these blogs and enjoy.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

A Virgin's Nightmare

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,with his head down
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night".

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[1 Comments]

Sad but True

Whats up all just bored and posting up a funny from a friend

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him .

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed ..

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. "

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class

while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Later!

[0 Comments]

What's up!

Good morning hope you all had a good thanksgiving and I leave you with this little tidbit of humor.

Grandmas Don't Know Everything........

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came
into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people
sleep in the same room And one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken back, but she decided to just tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the
other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants
to talk to you."

Later

[0 Comments]

Thats How!

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are on the side of the road and slowly the other driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and you know how I get at times, so.......

Well, I could NOT believe my eyes . . he was a DWARF!

But his attitude sucked and he storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,

"I AM NOT HAPPY!"

I could not help myself, I looked down at him and simply said,

"Well, which one are you then?". . . and that's when the fight started!

Later!

[8 Comments]

Good Morning

Just sayin whats up and few short funnies to start the day. Later!!

Retired

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in here for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said,

"Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a Shithead.

He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age

Fishing in bad weather

I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know if she was joking...

[0 Comments]

Aches and Pains

Man I know im getting older but I still refuse to listen to my body telling me so.the funny thing is I can go run a fullcourt game of hoops with the local kids and have some of their little smartasses winded "old guy who you callin old punk" and feel fine the next day.but the last few nights I been kickin it in guitar hero trying to get some time in and learn those songs and I do mean trying and I get off cramped to all hell. fret button shoulder feels like I feel asleep with my arm above my head (anybody thats ever done that knows what I mean) strum arm not as bad but stiff and my lower back like I had 100 extra pounds sitting on it . man this is the first game that has actually made me feel this way and it is either just the posion that it puts you in and im not used to it or im getting old.. ah must be the game

Later!

[2 Comments]

Just some funnies

#1
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed

to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big
scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up,
that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to
raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch."

#2

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant,the third man was a Chemist,,,, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,

"CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, sh*t on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

AND THAT'S WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT

Have a good weekend !!! Later

[4 Comments]

New Skin

Well with Halo3 on its way it was time to get the equipment ready...well not really I just couldnt pass up this skin it was just too cool!!! this skin would look sick on an elite because there would be no white showing at all and just a nice dark background.

[2 Comments]

Joke

For his birthday, little Timmy asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Timmy heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Timmy told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike.

[3 Comments]

Wigman's Blog - 2old2play

Job Opening!

Over my dead body

He He

new phone

Next

Whats up

funnies

Sad but True

What's up!

Thats How!

Good Morning

Aches and Pains

Just some funnies

New Skin

Joke