Little Trouble in Big China

Shanghai is better than NYC.  Shanghai is better than Chicago.  Shanghai is better.  You would not believe the crap that you can get away with here.  More specific - you don't have to get away with anything.  You just do.  Most Americans think China sucks because it's all communist, but if you have money, consequence-free options are open to all.  What is more capitolisitc than that?

After my first day, I'm still not sure how to handle the rampant prostitution.  I'm sure there are pros and cons to the arguement, but it's almost imposible to think straight with all the cheap booze being poured down me gullet.  I will have to reinvestigate the problem again soon.  And pictures will follow.  But for now, I turned down the short skirt, 3" heeled Jinu in favour of my conscience.  I may not be so inclined later.  Again, pictures will follow.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm not dead yet.  Maybe next week.

Belly of the Beast

As you may have heard, I’m going to spend a few months in China.  To prepare for that one needs to go shopping for stuff.  Nothing difficult to find - like a front right quarter panel to a 1975 Russian Lada.  Simple things.  One pair of jeans and two long sleeve t-shirts.  Shopping is bullshit.

I’m now closer to understanding the plight of the American woman.  They’ve turned shopping into a game so they don’t punch check out clerks or random riff-raff customers in the throat.  The whole experience between the traveling to the stores, to not finding what you want, to people asking stupid questions – infuriating.

All I wanted was one pair of normal Old Navy jeans.  Nope, don’t have ‘em.  I probably shouldn’t be too hard on them because it has been a few years since I bought stuff there.  The folk in Laos, or Cambodia, or Algeria who made my current pair of jeans where the pockets hold my wallet perfectly to my right butt check whether I’m sitting or standing are all probably dead by now.  You know, wiped out by the rebel insurrection.  Or starved.  Or maybe AIDS or malaria got them.  So now I’m off to China with as much confidence and comfort a shoddy pair of Wranglers can provide.

I now propose a tracking system for all goods in America.  Everything gets a number or a bar code.  Whenever I need white Towncraft undershirts all I have to do is type it into the web and POW!  T-shirts on my doorstep the next day. 

I'm Going To China

Not the China you’re thinking of.  Not the place where everyone lives in mud huts and craps in ditches.  Civilized China.  Shanghai.  The New York of the east.  The place where everyone lives in high rise, state sponsored condos and craps on side walks.

Why, you ask.  Why not?  No wife, no kids, no job – and no real hope of finding one in the near future.  I have a room at my friends house, got very cheap air fare, and sitting in a chair on the other side of the planet is sexy.

Aloha

College Ball

Now that NCAA basketball is underway, I have developed a theory* for your enjoyment:

An NCAA basketball team cannot make up more than 1 point per minute when trailing in the second half with between 15 – 5 minutes left in the game.

What that means is if your team is losing by 10 points and there is only 7 minutes left in the game – your team will lose.  You can’t make any money betting on games with this, but you will save some of time.  Especially if your team sucks.  The only example of this theory breaking down during my research was when Illinois came back from a 13 point deficit with 5 minutes left to beat Arizona in the 2005 tourney.  Go Illini!

Use this as a guide to decide if you should watch the rest of the game.  You could leave the game on and take a nap, play with yourself, or whatever.  I give you this extra time to relax as you see fit.  It is NOT intended to be shared with wives or girlfriends.  They will use the theory to make you turn off the game and go shopping, or clean stuff, or some other bullshit activity.

*I know most of my theories are technically hypothesis or postulates.  Theory has fewer syllables, so back off.

1 Monkey