Xevias's Blog - 2old2play

Little Trouble in Big China

Shanghai is better than NYC. Shanghai is better than Chicago. Shanghai is better. You would not believe the crap that you can get away with here. More specific - you don't have to get away with anything. You just do. Most Americans think China sucks because it's all communist, but if you have money, consequence-free options are open to all. What is more capitolisitc than that?

After my first day, I'm still not sure how to handle the rampant prostitution. I'm sure there are pros and cons to the arguement, but it's almost imposible to think straight with all the cheap booze being poured down me gullet. I will have to reinvestigate the problem again soon. And pictures will follow. But for now, I turned down the short skirt, 3" heeled Jinu in favour of my conscience. I may not be so inclined later. Again, pictures will follow.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm not dead yet. Maybe next week.

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Belly of the Beast

As you may have heard, I’m going to spend a few months in China. To prepare for that one needs to go shopping for stuff. Nothing difficult to find - like a front right quarter panel to a 1975 Russian Lada. Simple things. One pair of jeans and two long sleeve t-shirts. Shopping is bullshit.

I’m now closer to understanding the plight of the American woman. They’ve turned shopping into a game so they don’t punch check out clerks or random riff-raff customers in the throat. The whole experience between the traveling to the stores, to not finding what you want, to people asking stupid questions – infuriating.

All I wanted was one pair of normal Old Navy jeans. Nope, don’t have ‘em. I probably shouldn’t be too hard on them because it has been a few years since I bought stuff there. The folk in Laos, or Cambodia, or Algeria who made my current pair of jeans where the pockets hold my wallet perfectly to my right butt check whether I’m sitting or standing are all probably dead by now. You know, wiped out by the rebel insurrection. Or starved. Or maybe AIDS or malaria got them. So now I’m off to China with as much confidence and comfort a shoddy pair of Wranglers can provide.

I now propose a tracking system for all goods in America. Everything gets a number or a bar code. Whenever I need white Towncraft undershirts all I have to do is type it into the web and POW! T-shirts on my doorstep the next day.

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I'm Going To China

Not the China you’re thinking of. Not the place where everyone lives in mud huts and craps in ditches. Civilized China. Shanghai. The New York of the east. The place where everyone lives in high rise, state sponsored condos and craps on side walks.

Why, you ask. Why not? No wife, no kids, no job – and no real hope of finding one in the near future. I have a room at my friends house, got very cheap air fare, and sitting in a chair on the other side of the planet is sexy.

Aloha

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College Ball

Now that NCAA basketball is underway, I have developed a theory* for your enjoyment:

An NCAA basketball team cannot make up more than 1 point per minute when trailing in the second half with between 15 – 5 minutes left in the game.

What that means is if your team is losing by 10 points and there is only 7 minutes left in the game – your team will lose. You can’t make any money betting on games with this, but you will save some of time. Especially if your team sucks. The only example of this theory breaking down during my research was when Illinois came back from a 13 point deficit with 5 minutes left to beat Arizona in the 2005 tourney. Go Illini!

Use this as a guide to decide if you should watch the rest of the game. You could leave the game on and take a nap, play with yourself, or whatever. I give you this extra time to relax as you see fit. It is NOT intended to be shared with wives or girlfriends. They will use the theory to make you turn off the game and go shopping, or clean stuff, or some other bullshit activity.

*I know most of my theories are technically hypothesis or postulates. Theory has fewer syllables, so back off.

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1 Monkey

There’s a theory that if you put 1,000 monkeys in front of 1,000 typewriters for eternity, eventually the group of moneys will type out all the greatest works of literature. Not sure if this is a function of probability or an endless resource of time.

Well today I was bored. I had no work to do, no one to see, and no need to leave the house. I wondered around like an Alzheimer patient looking for keys to a car that was sold 30 years ago. Entering each room with a new frivolous mission, I instantly forgot what I did a minute ago. Then I found some tweezers in the bath room.

I began plucking like a lonely gorilla with a mirror for a mate. Took care of the nose, both ears, and those random AWOL hairs caught crossing into the upper back/shoulder area. Only got a couple grey hairs before my hand started hurting and I quit.

After being in close proximity to a toilet for more than 10 minutes, psychology took over and I had to piss. With hair already on the mind, I noticed this thick, squirrelly, deranged pube almost as long as the wang jotting out as if to say “Hey buddy, you got a small cock.” Now I’m no porn star, but still enjoy above average length. The problem is that I’m a grower not a shower. Then I spotted 2 more of the bastards. One careful snip lead to another - now I look 15 again. If I had a Vision camera, I'd send out pictures.

Next stop: Itchy Sackland.

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Poopidity

People are stupid. Sometimes smart people do or say stupid things because they have trouble accepting alternate perspectives. Most of the time I think stupidity emanates from a combination of fear and laziness. I call this Poopidity. Noun – dumb things that are done by people full of shit.

I’ve turned on all the filters and Gmail is real good keeping the inbox clean of junk mail. But, like everyone here, I have friends and relatives that still send me retarded emails. “Be afraid of this...” “Help the Nigerian.” “Be afraid of that…” My last email wanted me to sign a petition to stop congress from giving social benefits to illegal aliens. Not a bad idea, however, total bullshit. A five minute investigation on snopes.com revealed the basis behind the protest was bunk. Call me paranoid, but I believe the petition was started by politicians to make their colleagues look bad. Whatever. I’m more interested in why the 1,000+ people that signed the damn petition didn’t think about doing this research. Spamming friends and relatives over an issue that doesn’t even exist; Poopid!

Now, a smaller example. The ex-fiancé and I both eat cereal for breakfast. She used to crumple the plastic liner down to protect the Special K’s freshness while I didn’t. I hated unraveling that crap when I was half awake looking for food in the morning, spilling shit most of the time. And she hated my disrespect for the Special K allowing it to get stale. But it never got stale; we ate it too fast. I also had to explain to her that crumpling the bag down in no way provides the vacuum seal needed to preserve food. All it did was irritate and make my life more difficult.

She didn’t want to hear that. I found out after months on ‘high fiancé alert’ that the cereal didn’t matter. It was about respecting her way of doing things even if they didn’t make any sense. I accepted that, but she was also supposed to compromise and allow me to bust her urban mythology. Never happened – glad she’s gone.

This phenomenon also penetrated America years ago and even sparked several TV shows. Urban Legends took stories like “Spiders nesting in people’s hair” and “Flashing your brights at people could get you murdered by gang members” and explained if they had merit. The show failed because it made people feel gullible. Bullshit on Showtime proved how ridiculous and hypocritical supposed good organizations like PETA and Greenpeace have become. They also crap on life coaches, pet lovers, the Boy Scouts, and recycling. Even though they got their facts straight, the show isn’t popular because it doesn’t make people feel better. Most of their shows come off snobby – funny, but snobby. Mythbusters avoids these pitfalls by presenting its material through basic science. It doesn’t try to change the world nor expect you to change your behavior. It’s popular because it quenches your curiosity. The fluff doesn’t affect your core belief system and doesn’t make you feel… anything.

I once had a bad manager tell me that it’s more important to make the client feel like you solved the problem than actually solving one. Never thought he was right until I looked around a little. Americans don’t want to live better; they just want to feel like they are living better. Is our country’s collective self-esteem really this low?

Stop the poopidity.

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I Like T.V.

Well, at least I used to.

Not much outside of Mythbusters and a couple sit-coms has caught my eye. I'm probably approaching that age where the quality of everything from the past outweighs anything we have today. I call that The Grandpa Effect. “iPods? When I was your age we had Sony Walkmans and we loved them. We could tape stuff off the radio and listen to it later too. How about that?”

Anyway, I always like to watch the tube. Doing home work, folding papers [paperboy for 7 years], and wasting time with friends; the TV was always on beaming ridiculous images into my brain. It made sense because I’m a visual guy – I learn better and faster by watching than through explanation. My friends have always ridiculed me for proudly declaring that I have only read 5 books in my life. I believe any good book will eventually be made into a movie. They stopped making fun of me after Lord of the Rings was released.

The conditions were just right these last few days where quite a few re-runs crossed my path and I was reunited with some old friends. Then I began to wonder what happened to all those other characters I grew up with. I was also curious to see just how much crap today’s TV & Hollywood executives are rehashing because they have run out of ideas. America's #1 export is in jeopardy. How did the British figure it out?

I propose a channel where they show every single fictional TV program ever made. But not the entire series, the first and last episodes will do. Just enough for the nostalgic to get their fix and a reminder to the big networks that they need to try harder. Friends, M.A.S.H., Night Rider, The Brady Bunch, hell, any show can be summed up this way.

What happened to conclude Punkey Brewster, Magnum P.I., Hogan’s Heroes, Alf, Doogie Howser, Greg the Bunny, Taxi, Mork & Mindy, Herman’s Head, Leave it to Beaver, Soap…?

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Introduction

Just a regular guy here with regular life stuff going on. Not a real big fan of the blog thing - always though it was more of a waste of time than trying to teach a monkey how to masturbate. But then I figured it was a decent way for me to record some idiotic ideas while practicing my writing skills.

So I’ll start off with one of my classics:

When you’re taking a shower and you have to pee, what do you do? Well, most of society sees all the water swirling down the drain and decides that a little extra isn’t really that big a deal. They let it fly. Nobody I know has enough discipline to get out of the shower to pee, especially if soap or shampoo is dripping. I think pissing in the shower is a very common household occurrence. But be on the look out for folk who pee in the bath.

I pee in the shower. Constantly. I think it has something to do with the hot water loosening things up. Hot water is very relaxing. I am not ashamed. One time the soap I was lathering up slipped out of my hands, bounced around, and eventually settled at the drain I was wizzing into. My first thought:

Does the pee make the soap dirty? Or does the soap clean the pee?

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