MehMehOhs

 

It’s been a long time since I have blogged here or posted in the forums, but I have lurked about (sneak attack!)* and kept sorta up on things. I like the community here, even if I am not so much a part of the gaming culture anymore. As usual, this will just be an ‘open brain:dump’ kind of thing, and may not make much sense, but it will help me.

I used to be what most would term a “gamer”. I was up on things, could hold a respectable conversation concerning the industry and upcoming titles, had a sense of what the trends were and where things are going…but somewhere I lost it. My 360 has left me for another gamer, my debit card is free of the monthly MMO subscription or two, and the only ‘controller’ I have touch in the last two months is called a ‘remote’ by it’s proper name.

Every now and then I toss a semi interested glance towards the play station, a marriage that started Christmas of 1995, the second best gift I got that year (for those of you who know me a bit, Hunter was the best gift that year.) There had been crushes and flings prior to that…the first puppy love being when I was quite young with the immature Atari 2600. I cheated on Atari with Coleco, and then left them both when the Nintendo boys moved into my world. But my real passionate relationship started with Playstation.

I loved Playstation, we were two peas in a pod. Things were great, and then got even better with the mid-life crisis makeover into the PS2. Wow…that was the passionate time in our relationship. Talk about an affair. But then things started to change…the games started to be less about the play, and more about the visuals…and I liked it. Maybe that was the problem. I got so I wanted more and more complexity, prettier and prettier things, more complicated things, and I forgot about the things I really liked in a game….PS2 wasn’t enough.

That’s when the MMOs started. I have had a shameless stream of lovers…Faldon, EQ, Ultima Online, City of Heroes, Guild Wars, WoW, LoTRo…flirty little betas with WISH, Lineage, Requiem:Bloody mare, and others whose names and faces I don‘t even remember…and now Conan sure looks sexy and has been leaving tons of messages on my voice mail…but does he have any substance? Do any of them really? They are SO pretty. Visually stimulating, auditorally (hmmmm, is that a word? Is now.) arousing, and not solitary even if my environment happened to be for the moment.

But for all the flair of MMOs I find myself completely bored with them. I can find no real core distinction between any of them. They all dress a little different, wear different cologne, style their hair unlike the others…but when it comes down to it they all have the same lines, and all tell the same jokes, and are out for one thing.

Okay, seriously, I’ve had fun running the analogy, but I really mean it when I say that I can not find any real core distinction in any of the MMOs. They all really are about the mob kill level grind (even the skill based MMOs), a few perfunctory crafting/skill systems, and an afterthought of a quest lines. When it comes down to it, from what I have experienced, it is impossible to get ahead in any significant way in any of them without subscribing at least part of the time to the slaughter rule. It’s not that I mind combat, I even enjoy it, but I don’t like being forced into it.

So I guess I find myself bored and disappointed, and it has bled over into the rest of my gaming life. The 360 got the red ring of death, so that disrupted that, then once fixed, was taken over by someone else. I am going to get a new one in May, but I am not sure how enthusiastic I am going to be in getting back to it.

I want to be enthusiastic again. I SO enjoyed GoW, no matter how much I sucked, when it first came out. (Thank you again to all of you great guys who used to so patiently let me play online with you and never got on me for being the chainsaw whore that I am) And I was really enjoying Mass Effect and Rock Band before the red ring stopped the momentum.

Maybe it’s less about the MMOs sucking, and more about the crushing disappointment I felt at the red ring staring at me from the front of my 360, and its subsequent liberation from my possession upon it’s return.

I don’t know. All I know is that I miss the passion I used to feel as a gamer.

 

 

*If you know where this reference came from, congratulations, you are as big of a dork as I am

Posted by blastchickbaby @ 11:50 pm EDT | Permalink | 3 Comments

Back

Well. It’s been awhile. Both on the 360, and here on 2old2play. I have checked in fairly frequently here, but not participated, and went over a month without playing anything on the 360. I’ve been easing back into the 360 playing Catan, my favorite board game, and hope to be back in Gears soon.

 

This is just going to be kind of a random dump, as I really don’t have anywhere else to purge it.

 

Life has been busy and kind of rough, both personally and with my employment situation. I’ll leave the personal stuff for some other conversation.

 

As for the employment, I’ve been working two full-time jobs, though I am done with one of them as of May 27th. It’s pretty stupid how I let myself get into the two job thing. It’s been roughly a month and half with NO days off until last Friday when my son had strep throat. And I am off today as it is my turn to be sick. Far too long.

 

My first job is M-F, 8ish-5ish, basically customer service for a state government program. I wasn’t unhappy with the job at all, but I was approached by a relative for the second job. He basically begged me to come work for him as they are so short handed.

 

And I have a really hard time saying no and laying boundaries…which is also part of my personal issues…but again, that’s another story.

 

I was lured to the second by my brother-in-law. It’s called a NOC shift, working 36 hours over the course of Fri, Sat, and Sun nights. That would leave 8am Monday – 8pm Friday completely free if it was my only job…very tempting. Pay is less, but for that much time off? It had its draw. And I was told the shift made it easy, hardly anything to do. Talk on my cell phone; bring a laptop, whatever I wanted to do. Heck, I was told I could even nap.

 

The second job is working as a caretaker for three mentally challenged young men in their apartment. Three SEVERLEY mentally challenged young men of the ages 17-20. Two of them are non-verbal, and they all wear diapers. And they are a drain, both physically and mentally. You would think on the overnight shift they would sleep a lot. Well…they usually sleep about six hours. Which means the other six hours they are awake, and I am dealing with them alone. One of the boys is supposed to be a constant one on one; he is always supposed to have an employee assigned just for him. But they assume that on overnights the person working would never have more than one or two kids to deal with at a time. Wrong.  

 

I originally indented to start the second job, work both jobs for just a couple of weeks to earn a little extra cash, and then quit the first job. But it was painfully obvious after the first weekend, that I am just not cut out to do the second job. It takes a special kind of person to do this kind of work, which I am not, I guess.

 

I’ve learned something about myself as I started the second job. I thought I was an unending well of patience and compassion.

 

Not so.

 

That saddens me.

 

It’s not these boys’ fault that they are the way they are. They need care and compassion and patience. And there is a huge reward in seeing them smile, or hearing the non-verbal boys actually laugh. But I just can’t take any more hair pulling, pinches, constant damage control, drool, and diapers. And you can’t reason with them, and they only understand the most basic of rules. Their brains just aren’t developed. And the verbal boy has severe fetal alcohol syndrome and repeats everything over and over and over and over and over and over and…well, you get it. Actually, you couldn’t get it unless you experienced it, but I’ll move on.

 

So…I’m giving up on them. I hate that. My last day is only a few weeks away, and I am counting the minutes. I dread going there. I hate taking care of them. I don’t dislike the boys, I just can’t handle them. I gave a full months notice, but come my last day I will not continue if they haven’t found someone. I just can’t. It’s too draining, and I have other things in my life I need to worry about.

 

I have handled a lot of things in my past….yet I can’t handle this. It feels like a failure, and like I am letting them down.  

 

And that guilt compounds the personal issues I am dealing with. And I feel as if I am dealing with everything all alone. I have basically one friend, and they haven’t been around much, they’ve had their own things to deal with. I tend to keep a wall between me and….well, everyone except the one person who can’t be around.

 

Again, I’m not feeling sorry for myself. No one is responsible for where I am at but me.

 

Anyway, that’s where I’ve been, on the off chance anyone might have wondered.  

 

I’m tired of pulling back from the things I enjoy, so I am making a concentrated effort to re-engage with those I have interacted with.

 

Thank you so much to those of you who have kept me on your friends list. It might seem like a little thing to you, but it means something to me. And a few of you sent me Gears invites the very minute I logged on. I’ve been declining recently, but I really do appreciate it, and will start accepting again. I know I tend to be pretty quiet while we play, and my playing ranges from total suck to mediocre (with the occasional night where I seem to be ‘on’) but you all have always managed to make me feel welcome and at home.

Posted by blastchickbaby @ 3:48 pm EDT | Permalink | 6 Comments

*warning, another parental gush*

So I just opened the mail, and I got my son’s test scores for the Iowa Test of Basic Skills. For those who don’t know what that is, here is the Wikipedia link. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iowa_Test_of_Basic_Skills

Hunter is in the 6th grade, and scored in the top 15% of all 6th grade students tested nationally. He actually qualifies for a gifted program at one of the colleges near here.

For those who haven’t read my previous parental gush blog, you might not know what a big accomplishment that is for Hunter. He learns differently, some try to call it a learning ‘disability’. He’s had a diagnosis, but it’s irrelevant. I won’t let him be defined by it. He can be so much more than a disorder.

I have fought to keep him from being labeled and to keep him off of medication. I have been an advocate and strived to help Hunter and his teachers help him learn and be successful and to maintain his self-esteem. I can’t take the credit though. The teachers in Iowa have been wonderful, and Hunter has worked, and worked and worked.

Hunter has an IEP, which basically means he’s in special education. He’s been in a general curriculum, but had supported services and special education reading classes. This year he was moved out of all special education classes to a full general cirriculum schedule.

I am so humbled and blown away and proud. Even with his reading being at a 59% (he reads at a 7th grade level apparently), and his Social Studies being 66%, he has 90's in so many other areas he was brought up to 85% He has worked SO hard.

But even more fulfilling and wonderful than the testament on paper that his hard work has paid off, is the self pride he has. He is proud of himself. He believes he will be a video game designer, and there is no doubt in my mind he will be. He holds his head high, and without being a braggart can proudly tell of his accomplishments and his strengths. He can unashamedly express where his challenges lie, and his confidence in beating them.

That means more to me than any test score.

I’m so proud of you, Hunter.

Posted by blastchickbaby @ 7:44 pm EDT | Permalink | 7 Comments

A Dream

I dreamed of a lot of things when I was little. I still dream. Sometimes the only way I can cope when things come rushing back to me, is to retreat into little fantasy worlds I've created and live things I'll never get to live.

I'm not going to go into an angsty dump, I'm not here to burden all of you with anything dysfunctional. Suffice is to say this is a day I am having emotional challenges.

Anyway...the following song means a lot to me. I'm not the type to post every video I come across (although it's fine for the people who do, it's just not me) but I just felt like sharing this song. It is one of the most heavily played in my ipod. The video doesn’t quite fit with what feeling I get from the song, but I’ve included the youtube link for anyone who wants to listen. (sorry haven’t figure out how to make the video play here)

"A Dream" by Priscilla Ahn

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

Posted by blastchickbaby @ 8:52 pm EDT | Permalink | 7 Comments

*warning, parental gush to follow*

Posted by blastchickbaby @ 10:16 am EDT | Permalink | 15 Comments