blastchickbaby's Blog - 2old2play

MehMehOhs

It’s been a long time since I have blogged here or posted in the forums, but I have lurked about (sneak attack!)* and kept sorta up on things. I like the community here, even if I am not so much a part of the gaming culture anymore. As usual, this will just be an ‘open brain:dump’ kind of thing, and may not make much sense, but it will help me.

I used to be what most would term a “gamer”. I was up on things, could hold a respectable conversation concerning the industry and upcoming titles, had a sense of what the trends were and where things are going…but somewhere I lost it. My 360 has left me for another gamer, my debit card is free of the monthly MMO subscription or two, and the only ‘controller’ I have touch in the last two months is called a ‘remote’ by it’s proper name.

Every now and then I toss a semi interested glance towards the play station, a marriage that started Christmas of 1995, the second best gift I got that year (for those of you who know me a bit, Hunter was the best gift that year.) There had been crushes and flings prior to that…the first puppy love being when I was quite young with the immature Atari 2600. I cheated on Atari with Coleco, and then left them both when the Nintendo boys moved into my world. But my real passionate relationship started with Playstation.

I loved Playstation, we were two peas in a pod. Things were great, and then got even better with the mid-life crisis makeover into the PS2. Wow…that was the passionate time in our relationship. Talk about an affair. But then things started to change…the games started to be less about the play, and more about the visuals…and I liked it. Maybe that was the problem. I got so I wanted more and more complexity, prettier and prettier things, more complicated things, and I forgot about the things I really liked in a game….PS2 wasn’t enough.

That’s when the MMOs started. I have had a shameless stream of lovers…Faldon, EQ, Ultima Online, City of Heroes, Guild Wars, WoW, LoTRo…flirty little betas with WISH, Lineage, Requiem:Bloody mare, and others whose names and faces I don‘t even remember…and now Conan sure looks sexy and has been leaving tons of messages on my voice mail…but does he have any substance? Do any of them really? They are SO pretty. Visually stimulating, auditorally (hmmmm, is that a word? Is now.) arousing, and not solitary even if my environment happened to be for the moment.

But for all the flair of MMOs I find myself completely bored with them. I can find no real core distinction between any of them. They all dress a little different, wear different cologne, style their hair unlike the others…but when it comes down to it they all have the same lines, and all tell the same jokes, and are out for one thing.

Okay, seriously, I’ve had fun running the analogy, but I really mean it when I say that I can not find any real core distinction in any of the MMOs. They all really are about the mob kill level grind (even the skill based MMOs), a few perfunctory crafting/skill systems, and an afterthought of a quest lines. When it comes down to it, from what I have experienced, it is impossible to get ahead in any significant way in any of them without subscribing at least part of the time to the slaughter rule. It’s not that I mind combat, I even enjoy it, but I don’t like being forced into it.

So I guess I find myself bored and disappointed, and it has bled over into the rest of my gaming life. The 360 got the red ring of death, so that disrupted that, then once fixed, was taken over by someone else. I am going to get a new one in May, but I am not sure how enthusiastic I am going to be in getting back to it.

I want to be enthusiastic again. I SO enjoyed GoW, no matter how much I sucked, when it first came out. (Thank you again to all of you great guys who used to so patiently let me play online with you and never got on me for being the chainsaw whore that I am) And I was really enjoying Mass Effect and Rock Band before the red ring stopped the momentum.

Maybe it’s less about the MMOs sucking, and more about the crushing disappointment I felt at the red ring staring at me from the front of my 360, and its subsequent liberation from my possession upon it’s return.

I don’t know. All I know is that I miss the passion I used to feel as a gamer.

*If you know where this reference came from, congratulations, you are as big of a dork as I am

[3 Comments]

Back

Well. It’s been awhile. Both on the 360, and here on 2old2play. I have checked in fairly frequently here, but not participated, and went over a month without playing anything on the 360. I’ve been easing back into the 360 playing Catan, my favorite board game, and hope to be back in Gears soon.

This is just going to be kind of a random dump, as I really don’t have anywhere else to purge it.

Life has been busy and kind of rough, both personally and with my employment situation. I’ll leave the personal stuff for some other conversation.

As for the employment, I’ve been working two full-time jobs, though I am done with one of them as of May 27th. It’s pretty stupid how I let myself get into the two job thing. It’s been roughly a month and half with NO days off until last Friday when my son had strep throat. And I am off today as it is my turn to be sick. Far too long.

My first job is M-F, 8ish-5ish, basically customer service for a state government program. I wasn’t unhappy with the job at all, but I was approached by a relative for the second job. He basically begged me to come work for him as they are so short handed.

And I have a really hard time saying no and laying boundaries…which is also part of my personal issues…but again, that’s another story.

I was lured to the second by my brother-in-law. It’s called a NOC shift, working 36 hours over the course of Fri, Sat, and Sun nights. That would leave 8am Monday – 8pm Friday completely free if it was my only job…very tempting. Pay is less, but for that much time off? It had its draw. And I was told the shift made it easy, hardly anything to do. Talk on my cell phone; bring a laptop, whatever I wanted to do. Heck, I was told I could even nap.

The second job is working as a caretaker for three mentally challenged young men in their apartment. Three SEVERLEY mentally challenged young men of the ages 17-20. Two of them are non-verbal, and they all wear diapers. And they are a drain, both physically and mentally. You would think on the overnight shift they would sleep a lot. Well…they usually sleep about six hours. Which means the other six hours they are awake, and I am dealing with them alone. One of the boys is supposed to be a constant one on one; he is always supposed to have an employee assigned just for him. But they assume that on overnights the person working would never have more than one or two kids to deal with at a time. Wrong.

I originally indented to start the second job, work both jobs for just a couple of weeks to earn a little extra cash, and then quit the first job. But it was painfully obvious after the first weekend, that I am just not cut out to do the second job. It takes a special kind of person to do this kind of work, which I am not, I guess.

I’ve learned something about myself as I started the second job. I thought I was an unending well of patience and compassion.

Not so.

That saddens me.

It’s not these boys’ fault that they are the way they are. They need care and compassion and patience. And there is a huge reward in seeing them smile, or hearing the non-verbal boys actually laugh. But I just can’t take any more hair pulling, pinches, constant damage control, drool, and diapers. And you can’t reason with them, and they only understand the most basic of rules. Their brains just aren’t developed. And the verbal boy has severe fetal alcohol syndrome and repeats everything over and over and over and over and over and over and…well, you get it. Actually, you couldn’t get it unless you experienced it, but I’ll move on.

So…I’m giving up on them. I hate that. My last day is only a few weeks away, and I am counting the minutes. I dread going there. I hate taking care of them. I don’t dislike the boys, I just can’t handle them. I gave a full months notice, but come my last day I will not continue if they haven’t found someone. I just can’t. It’s too draining, and I have other things in my life I need to worry about.

I have handled a lot of things in my past….yet I can’t handle this. It feels like a failure, and like I am letting them down.

And that guilt compounds the personal issues I am dealing with. And I feel as if I am dealing with everything all alone. I have basically one friend, and they haven’t been around much, they’ve had their own things to deal with. I tend to keep a wall between me and….well, everyone except the one person who can’t be around.

Again, I’m not feeling sorry for myself. No one is responsible for where I am at but me.

Anyway, that’s where I’ve been, on the off chance anyone might have wondered.

I’m tired of pulling back from the things I enjoy, so I am making a concentrated effort to re-engage with those I have interacted with.

Thank you so much to those of you who have kept me on your friends list. It might seem like a little thing to you, but it means something to me. And a few of you sent me Gears invites the very minute I logged on. I’ve been declining recently, but I really do appreciate it, and will start accepting again. I know I tend to be pretty quiet while we play, and my playing ranges from total suck to mediocre (with the occasional night where I seem to be ‘on’) but you all have always managed to make me feel welcome and at home.

[6 Comments]

warning, another parental gush

So I just opened the mail, and I got my son’s test scores for the Iowa Test of Basic Skills. For those who don’t know what that is, here is the Wikipedia link. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iowa_Test_of_Basic_Skills

Hunter is in the 6th grade, and scored in the top 15% of all 6th grade students tested nationally. He actually qualifies for a gifted program at one of the colleges near here.

For those who haven’t read my previous parental gush blog, you might not know what a big accomplishment that is for Hunter. He learns differently, some try to call it a learning ‘disability’. He’s had a diagnosis, but it’s irrelevant. I won’t let him be defined by it. He can be so much more than a disorder.

I have fought to keep him from being labeled and to keep him off of medication. I have been an advocate and strived to help Hunter and his teachers help him learn and be successful and to maintain his self-esteem. I can’t take the credit though. The teachers in Iowa have been wonderful, and Hunter has worked, and worked and worked.

Hunter has an IEP, which basically means he’s in special education. He’s been in a general curriculum, but had supported services and special education reading classes. This year he was moved out of all special education classes to a full general cirriculum schedule.

I am so humbled and blown away and proud. Even with his reading being at a 59% (he reads at a 7th grade level apparently), and his Social Studies being 66%, he has 90's in so many other areas he was brought up to 85% He has worked SO hard.

But even more fulfilling and wonderful than the testament on paper that his hard work has paid off, is the self pride he has. He is proud of himself. He believes he will be a video game designer, and there is no doubt in my mind he will be. He holds his head high, and without being a braggart can proudly tell of his accomplishments and his strengths. He can unashamedly express where his challenges lie, and his confidence in beating them.

That means more to me than any test score.

I’m so proud of you, Hunter.

[7 Comments]

A Dream

I dreamed of a lot of things when I was little. I still dream. Sometimes the only way I can cope when things come rushing back to me, is to retreat into little fantasy worlds I've created and live things I'll never get to live.

I'm not going to go into an angsty dump, I'm not here to burden all of you with anything dysfunctional. Suffice is to say this is a day I am having emotional challenges.

Anyway...the following song means a lot to me. I'm not the type to post every video I come across (although it's fine for the people who do, it's just not me) but I just felt like sharing this song. It is one of the most heavily played in my ipod. The video doesn’t quite fit with what feeling I get from the song, but I’ve included the youtube link for anyone who wants to listen. (sorry haven’t figure out how to make the video play here)

Embedded YouTube Video --> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3SlsP130xY

"A Dream" by Priscilla Ahn

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

[7 Comments]

warning, parental gush to follow

My son is on the honor roll.

Yes, that’s something every parent should be proud of. Every kid that does the work necessary to be on the honor roll should be proud of themselves, as well.

But with Hunter, my son, it is something extra.

Hunter has a learning ‘disability’. God, I hate that word. He is not disabled. He thinks a little differently, he learns in a different way and sees the world from a unique perspective. Just because he doesn’t fit into the cookie cutter teaching style, doesn’t mean he is less intelligent, just that he is unique.

Anyway, I’m not going to go into deep specifics about a diagnosis because labels are just labels, and I have taught him to not be defined by his. He has things he just has to work harder at to fit into the cookie cutter teaching styles of our American school system, and that’s the way it is. But he was also given gifts.

The big challenge in schoolwork is that he has something quirky in his wiring where the thoughts in his head are very hard for him to put down on paper, unless it is through a drawing or a diagram. He remembers nearly everything he encounters, he can do math incredibly well, but he cannot get the answers onto paper without struggle.

It takes Hunter literally four times as long to write a sentence as it does his peers. He forms letters differently than other people, and can’t write them the ‘proper’ way. He will never write in cursive. We’ve tried the computer, and typing is still the same challenge. It’s just something about connecting his thoughts to his hands. His hand eye coordination is out of this world; he is an amazing videogame player, but writing something down…

And reading. Reading is a bit of a struggle as well. It’s just something about words, that his brain has a hard time digesting. If he listens to something, watches a film or documentary, he picks up about every piece of information thrown at him. But getting words printed on paper into his brain is a challenge.

I could go on about how he sees things from a different perspective, and how uniquiely he fits into the world, but it's not neccessary.

My son is on the honor roll.

He does the work that every kid has to do. He has had to write the book reports, fill out the worksheets, complete essays, do page after page of math problems. Yes, the same work as every other kid on the honor roll, but with 4 times the effort. At least. I have watched and felt so badly for him, especially since he has entered middle school, as he has sat for up to six hours a night to do what takes most kids 2 hours to do. But I have sat at my computer as he sits at his desk. I have been chipper and strong and supportive and helpful where I can, but he has done it all. It could have been easier in the short term if I did some of it for him. But that would not have helped prepare him for life.

He has had support at school, a wonderful school system. They have been amazingly patient, holding him accountable and preparing him to live in the ‘real world’. An employer isn’t going to let him fill out a job application orally. An employer isn’t going to tell him he can do half the work as the guy next to him just because Hunter is wired a little differently. They have taken the extra time. The teachers, horribly underpaid teachers, have given him special instructions that he can understand. But Hunter has done the work.

My son is on the honor roll.

[15 Comments]

625

Recently my best friend told me I needed to work on my gamerscore. I cheekily replied ‘I am not defined as a gamer by my gamerscore’.

But you know…I kinda am.

My gamerscore currently sits at 625, thanks to a 60 pt gain last night from playing UNO. I didn’t try for the achievements, I didn’t look them up on the internet to find out the easiest strategies to unlock them, I just casually played the damn game.

Which pretty much sums me up as a gamer.

I just casually play the damn games.

I have fun. I play for a little while, switch to a different game, turn of the 360 and hop on the internet, go take the dog for a walk (a real one, not a Nintendog), play a board game with my kid, and then hop back on the 360 maybe.

I have nothing against those whose sole goal is to unlock achievements and do the equivalent of buying an expensive sports car to show off to their friends. Or those who play so much they are bound to unlock everything eventually. That’s their preference of game play.

I suppose if I could find one of ‘those’ games that completely captures me I would be back to being the gamer that stays up all night just to walk into work the next morning with the equivalent of a hangover.

I really like a lot of the 360 games. I adore the fast pace of Gear of War (even though I kinda suck), love the atmosphere in Condemned, highly enjoy slaughtering zombies in Dead Rising, and enjoy the technical play of WWE SvR.

But I haven’t found a Silent Hill. Or a Resident Evil. Or a Persona. Or a Romance of the Three Kingdoms. One of those games that is impossible to put down and that I can get lost in, in every way.

I don’t know if it’s the games that have changed, or if it’s me.

Or maybe both.

[4 Comments]

Entitlement

So, there is a thing going on in Iowa, where Sinclair broadcasting, the company that offers Fox around here, and Mediacom, the cable provider, are in a squabble about how much Mediacom should have to pay to offer Fox to it’s subscribers.

Long and short of it is that Sinclair is testing the waters with Mediacom, a mid-sized cable company, to see how much they might be able to suck out of a larger cable company. Also, Sinclair is asking for far more than any other broadcast company, and the controlling interest in Sinclair has holdings in the largest satellite provider around here. So it is all green on Sinclair’s part.

Anyway…who cares? Yeah, I miss Fox, but I’ll live. If I want it bad enough, I’ll get a UHF antenna.

The thing that gets me is how people are complaining that this adversely affects low-income families, that it is a hardship because cable costs may go up. Not having enough food to feed your kids is a hardship. Not having electricity to heat your home is a hardship. Not having money to pay rent is a hardship.

Not being able to afford cable TV to watch television that is available for free over the airwaves is not a hardship.

Paying a high cable bill is a hardship on a low-income budget. I know…I’ve been there.

I get very annoyed at the sense of entitlement that so many Americans have. I work with a state run program, and deal with low income families all day long. Most of them are honest, hard working people who have had a rough time, or something that has placed them where they are, or they have just had a lot of bad breaks.

But there is a portion of them that feel like the world ‘owes’ them for whatever reason. They don’t want to take responsibility for anything, and expect you to hold their hand and do all of the work. They don’t want to make phone calls, or fax something in…they expect you to do it all for them and hand them their free stuff.

I do believe social services and welfare are necessary. When I was pregnant, and shortly after the birth of my son, we received assistance. We needed it. We used it as it was intended, got back on our feet, and off of it. And there are those who genuinely need ongoing assistance due to their situation.

Do I feel for them? Absolutely.

Do I think it is a terrible hardship they can't have cable TV? Nope.

[11 Comments]

Love/Hate, and WWE

Okay, I admit it, there was a span of about seven years of my life that I used to watch WWE. Religiously. Early nineties kind of time. Back when the original DX was cool: before X-Puke. Back when the Rock was booed and a complete sissy. Back when my mouth would drop open in astonishment every time Vader did a moonsault. Back when they were the WWF. Back when WCW was its own vehicle (and before the joke that was the NWO)…Back when…

Okay, you get it ;)

That is where the love part of this post is. In my memory of the soap opera athleticism that was WWF.

But I just can’t get into WWE anymore. It just seems even more preposterous than before.

Okay, maybe not more preposterous…I mean, what was more preposterous than Goldust???

But it is more…gratuitous. Cheap. Shallow. And I don’t mean the sex, although it is quite gratuitous, cheap, and shallow. The Divas don’t bother me. It’s the violence, the blood. I don’t dislike aggression, or blood. I love the UFC, even watch boxing now and then, and rugby absolutely makes me drool. But there is a major, major difference. The blood and violence of those is a side effect of the stress and aggression of the sport. It hasn’t BECOME the sport. (though for a little while I was worried about UFC)

Back when I was watching WWE, and well before, blood was rare on WWE. The impact of seeing it was HUGE. I remember Mick Foley’s wife sincerely sobbing at the extreme abuse he was putting himself through for the show. Now it is obligatory, and taken for granted. It is there about every show. The blood is there because it is ‘supposed’ to be, and not as a side effect of a particularly hardcore moment.

WWE has become a parody of itself, which is really a feat, as it was a parody of the roots of wrestling as it was. Wrestling was always scripted; the wrestlers have always been characters, but there was still a sense of pride and sincerity of the art that was WWF.

But it has lost all heart. It has lost that pride, and become a cheap Hollywood sequel. It is a poor knock off, and a celebrity impersonator hired by your corporate big wigs to impress.

*sigh*

But I still am playing WWE SvR 2007.

And, like the show, I have a love/hate kind of relationship with the game. I love the nifty new features, the stamina, the crowd in fighting, the environment, the create an entrance, and the reversals are SPECTACULAR.

But the character creation has been nerfed terribly. The wrestlers look wonderful. I LOVE the way the perspiration increases subtly on the skin as the match progresses, and the movements are extremely fluid. And the superstars have been captured perfectly. The facial morphing is very good. But the costume choices have been severely chopped.

And this is the part that really, really annoys me most. I can not play a female wrestler in season mode. I can’t get experience to progress her without tag teaming her with a male.

In a prior version for the PS2 (I think , I can’t remember which WWE game it is) you were able to designate your wrestler as ‘other’ instead of male or female, and then your female could play through anything a male could.

Why not now? I can’t imagine any male WWE player would be disturbed that he was able to play a sexy female wrestler, and watch her body sweat through a season, instead of a big manly man. The majority of female toons I have met in the multitude of mmorpgs I’ve played were played by males, just for that reason. It was more fun to watch a female on the screen.

And I don’t think it is a huge issue regarding realism (it’s WWE, for cripes sake). There have been females that have fought males. Take Chyna, and Jazz. And this is a video game, a fantasy. It’s already built into the system that a low weight character can not use certain grapples and throws if his opponent is too much heavier than him, so what is the problem?

I know as a female I am the minority in the gaming world. But maybe the minority wouldn’t be so small if the female gamer was considered more often? I don’t think the compromise of letting female toons play in season mode is going to upset the male majority.

But, as annoyed as I am, I won’t give it up like I did WWE. I won’t say good-bye. I’ll keep playing.

[2 Comments]

Not. Gonna. Do-it.

So…I am a gamer.

There is no question about that.

But, I have come to the realization I am not a hardcore gamer. I am more the Cinemax After Dark kind of gamer.

Maybe that is why I will never, ever, buy a PS3 at the current price point. (lottery winner status excluded)

I suppose I should preface my further comments by stating that I am not a fanboy for any system. I have no Sony hate.

I love my psx and my ps2. I still play on both consoles. Just the other day I plugged Persona into the psx and made the little demons do their “Sexy dance. Sexy dance. Sexy Sexy Sexy dance”.

I even remember back in 1995-ish, two weeks after buying the 3DO how we realized what a mistake we had made. We sold the 3DO and the games we had for about 75% of what we had paid, took the financial hit and bought the Playstation. Never regretted a moment of it.

But I simply do not need a PS3. I can not in good conscience justify $600 for a gaming console. The titles so far really don’t get my heart a pumpin’, and even if they did, I still wouldn’t buy it.

I don’t care how wonderful it is, how powerful it is supposed to be, or any of that.

For 600$ it better make sure I am satisfied first (twice), make me breakfast in bed the next morning, and call me everyday for a week just to tell me how wonderful I am. (Although if the PS3 came out with a game that did that, I might just consider deleting this and buying one, tee hee)

The one thing I like about the PS3, and this might be the girl in me, is the sleek and attractive design. Very nifty. I have a thing for metal finishes. ;) But that is not a reason to spend so many $$ on a console.

And there are no rumble controllers That might seem like a silly issue, but I like my rumble. I like that feedback in my hands, telling me what a crap player I am.

And I know, I know, this is supposed to be so much more than just a console. It is supposed to revolutionize and blue ray and blah blah blah.

But it is what it is. A 600$ console with a crappy starting lineup.

[10 Comments]

Ah, CoH, why won't you let me go...

So, it’s a double xp weekend for CoH.

CoH. I have such a plethora of mixed emotions about this mmorpg. I love it, I loathe it, and I keep going back to it, just to remember why I left it in the first place.

I keep going back for the eye candy. The combat effects are wonderful, but mostly it’s the character creation that gives me optical cavities. No game yet has matched the flexibility and the creativity that CoH allows a player when they create their visual identity in the game. It is nice to be able to be an individual, and to recognize another character on sight, just by their particular suit. It’s nice to be recognized on sight.

I am disappointed that in WoW every tier 2 rogue looks like every other tier 2 rogue. I hate that when I was leveling I looked like I got dressed in the dark and walked out of the house with a blindfold on. At least in UO there were leather dye tubs, and colored ore. (If only UO had never implemented neon and flame gear *shudder*)

But once the novelty of a couple of hours of playing Barbie dress up with my toons wears off, I remember why I left CoH.

The Grind.

City of Villains helped a little. A little. But it is still a very, very basic level grind. Kill massive amounts of a certain type of ai mob. Rinse. Repeat. Level. Start all over.

Bleh.

Granted, most mmorpgs follow that simple formula, but in my experience there have at least been alternative ways to spend your time progressing in game…non combat skills like fishing and cooking, crafting skills, or the lovely, lovely housing system in UO (*drools* okay, give me a break, I am a girl, and I will not rebuke the stereotype). There have been quests that are not combat related, and little bits of fluff content here and there to soften the sharp edges of the mob kill for exp cycle.

In the well intentioned effort to create a simple, pretty, streamlined game, they neglected to think of the depth of the environment. CoH could be so, so much more.

And yet, even after all of that, I still look at the email sitting in my inbox, and think about going back. Just for a little while. Just to play Barbie dress up.

[10 Comments]

blastchickbaby's Blog - 2old2play

MehMehOhs

Back

*warning, another parental gush*

A Dream

*warning, parental gush to follow*

625

Entitlement

Love/Hate, and WWE

Not. Gonna. Do-it.

Ah, CoH, why won't you let me go...

warning, another parental gush

warning, parental gush to follow