At the Job

(original blog was deleted on accident)
I sent my supervisor and the president of the college this letter this morning.

Dear Scott and Dr.J,

First this is to inform you Scott, I will be leaving early today. In the last 48 hours I have had around maybe 4-6 hours of sleep, and I feel horrible because of it. I have the sick leave, and am about to use it.

The reason I have had such little sleep, is because recently I have had a lot on my mind. I have made the decision to play a more proactive role in my life. It seems for the first 27 years of my life, I have sat back row, waiting for things to happen, instead of making them happen. I have decided recently that this needs to change, and the only way that is going to happen is to make it change. Which brings me to the point of this letter.

I have been applying to several different positions around the state. Mostly I have been applying for computer tech positions in the Little Rock/Conway area. For some reason I have a strong feeling I would enjoy living in this area. However, it is not my wish to leave Ozarka College. I love my job here, and take pride in doing the work here. As an ex-student, I know how important this College is, and how much of an impact on one’s life it can have. However, the financial situation is one of a few reasons I wish to seek employment elsewhere. I have been a employee of this college, 4 years coming this August. I have helped in many tasks in improving the quality of education we give to our students, that we give to the community, and it is work I take great pride in. However, in these last 4 years, I have never received a substantial raise. As listed by O.P.M., the starting pay for my position is 7.67 an hour (15,964 a year). My current hourly pay is 7.98, which on a 26 pay period year comes out to about 16,600 dollars a year. So, in 3 years I have accumulated around a .31 raise. In the aspect of the business world, that is kind of a miniscule raise don’t you think?

For the last two years now, I have asked for a raise, and the last two years I have been denied. I can understand this last year, my attendance has been less then acceptable. This is something I am willing to admit, something I have confessed to Scott is an issue, and something I have been working on improving. An explanation for some of my lack of attendance can be explained, but excuses still will not make up for the issue. Yet, I still plan on explaining.

In order for a person to work, he needs to know that he can advance, to know that he is not only working to improve the productivity of the business as a whole, but he is working to advance that career, to obtain a higher status. When, I was turned down for the first raise, I will admit I was down trotted. I felt like I was knocked off my horse. Twice, and it was even more of a moral breaker. I have always given my tasks 110%, done my best to get the job done, and done correctly. Things don’t always work that way, but I always gave my best effort to do what needed to be done. But after having taken a few blows to your moral, giving 110% isn’t always as easy as it used to be. It’s hard to dust yourself off, and get back up on that horse, when you feel your going end up face down again.

Another reason, I have slowly come to feel ill at ease with a fellow co-worker. If this gets me fired then so be it, but I am going to say it. The fellow co-worker I feel ill at ease around is ####. #### has a problem, and I don’t know if anyone is brave enough to tell him he has one. Since I have began working here, I have been subjected to his problem. In one instance, we went to one of his friends houses, in a company vehicle, on company time, to retrieve Prescription Medication, a medication not prescribed to ####, for his own personal use. I have been solicited by Mr. #### to obtain from a friend of mine prescription medication not prescribed to Mr. ####, in exchange for an illegal substance. I have worked with Mr. #### or been exposed to him while he is under influence of prescription medication, whether the medication was actually prescribed to him or not I cannot determine, one time I know for sure it was a medication not prescribed to Mr. ####. I have also been solicited by Mr. #### on one or more occasion to take trips out to his home, and partake in using so said illegal substance. Mr. #### has told me these things in confidence, knowing damn well that what he was doing is against company policy, but there is only so much one person can take, before he no longer feels comfortable around an individual, especially when the individual is someone you work with/under.

The combination of the aforementioned reasons, is why I am seeking employment elsewhere. As I have stated, I do not wish to leave, but as I feel I am in a situation where I have no choice, I am going to do so. As soon as I receive a confirmation that I am to receive a position at one of the businesses I have applied for I will be giving both of you my two-weeks’ notice.

I am sending out this e-mail as one last attempt of giving my position here at Ozarka. As I have stated I do not wish to leave my position here, but unless things are changed, I cannot not honestly agree on too staying on as an employee. This is my outcry, and outcry of a normally quiet and laid back employee, but enough is enough, and something needs to change, and if it does not, as I said I will be leaving.

Sincerely,

JB

Yes I should have proof read it before sending it. I was extremely tired when I typed out, not to mention nervous as hell.

Luckily I wasn't fired for it, in fact when I spoke to my supervisor after sending it, he agreed with me totally and completely. I haven't heard from the President as of yet, but my supervisor assured me I was not going to get fired over it.

As for the people who posted comments before, saying that I was too personal in the letter. Welcome to Rural Arkansas, where everyone knows everybody. Nothing happens here without it being personal. Working here is less like working for a company, and more like working with a family of friends, so yeah it was personal.

And as for the Psycho comment, I'll take it as a compliment.

Posted by elvendarkmage @ 3:40 pm EDT | Permalink | 5 Comments

Looking for a change.

Well I  have made a decision. I moving from the backwoods of Arkansas, too a more populated area. Getting a new job and getting the hell out of here. I've already put in several applications in for IT positions in the Conway/Little Rock area. I've grown tired of this small area, and the feeling of going no where fast. I've been working for the college for three years now doing shitty IT work, without a raise or hint of advancing. In fact the president feels my position is unneeded, and will do nothing to help it out. If I was too quit today, they would not re-hire for it. 7.98 an hour just isn't cutting it anymore.
It also has a lot to do with the area as well, I've been in a mood to go out, actually be proactive with my life, and that's when the cruel reality of this area hits you. This area sucks, nothing to do. No venues to go out and meet people, the closes bar/club is over an hour away. I need a social life, and this life draining black hole which is north central Arkansas, just doesn't have the social structure to back that.
The sucky thing, the thing that makes this so hard, is my son. I will no longer be a few minutes away, Ill be closer too two hours away. The option of stopping in and seeing him will no longer be there. But I got to do not only what is best for him, but what is best for me as well, and I can't take this shitty ass area for very much longer.

EDM

Posted by elvendarkmage @ 10:15 am EDT | Permalink | 4 Comments

Sleepless night

10 after Midnight here, and I can't sleep. My mind refuses to shut down.

Does anyone remember that kid in high school. You know the one who was constantly picked on, the one who was beat on, called a fag, tormented to tears. The kid that this
was written for. I remember because that kid was me. This isn't a poor me post. It's just a reflection. I was beaten, dragged, through the dirt, all because I was different. I didn't give up, even though there was times I came close. Some nights I was holding a razor blade to my wrists, wanting to cut, but never did. I persevered, I graduated high school with honors, went on to college to obtain my A.A. graduating cum laude, and then continuing on to get my A.A.S. in Information Technology graduating once again with honors.

But those scars never left. The pulling me down to the point I no longer had any self esteem is still carried on these shoulders. It's not as bad as it was, back in high school, but it lingers. I still have 0 tolerance to hear someone being called a Fag. That word builds an anger and rage in me, when used as a way to hurt, because for four years it was a word used against me. It was a word that instilled a hate in me for a few people. People I still have no use for, and people I will never forgive.

So why do I bring all this up, why dwell on all this? I'm not, and no longer wish too. I guess right now I'm in a place where I'm trying to heal these wounds. I still find myself looking down when someone walks by me at work to avoid eye contact, looking up on to greet the person. I have corrected myself a few times on this, but its a hard habit to break. I'm still quiet, not very talkative, something else I'm trying to work on. Opening up is one of the hardest things to do I've learned, because that fear, the fear that someone will walk all over you still lingers there.

I guess right now I'm reflecting on this is because my son is scheduled to start kindergarten next year. He too is different. For those of you who haven't read my blog before, my son has autism. I've tried to teach him early, not to take crap from other kids. Do not be afraid to be yourself, and never, NEVER, let someone walk on your dreams. I know how evil and vindictive kids can be, having been a victim of their cruelty. And I don't wish my son to have to deal with that. I want him to make the right moves, stand up for himself, and not be the whipping boy I was. It's a lot harder to get that through to him, because he has autism. But I have seen how he interacts with other kids, and when one gets out of line, and intrudes on him, he's not afraid to put a punk in his place. (My friend's and even I have given him the nick name pimp, hes been in school since he was three, and has had a girlfriend ever since). lol, yeah he's nothing like his father.

Posted by elvendarkmage @ 1:31 am EDT | Permalink | 2 Comments

Latest Piece

This is mine and Cestual's latest piece together. It's My Orc Warrior, and what I dream will be his arsenal one day. I submitted this for Blizzard's Fan Art Page, and hopefully it will be submitted for the site. Hope you all enjoy.

Posted by elvendarkmage @ 2:45 pm EDT | Permalink | 2 Comments

Life continues on

It may seem to some that my blogs of late have been extremely personal, and I'm not going to deny that they are. The reason I write them is to get things out, and to hear from people who have no personal attachment to the situation. People coming from a total and complete unbiased stand point. Even though I have actually had my blogs used against me in personal attacks, yet here I am again typing away like a mad man. If you don't like it the easiest thing to do is not to read my blog.

The relationship I spoke of before, the one I'm working on rebuilding is a big deal. Why? because I'm trying to reconcile with my ex-wife. I love the woman, always have always will, shes the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Things in our marriage wasn't always good, but blame falls on both sides (even though I am the type of person to carry all the weight of the failure on my shoulders). I can see that now, I made mistakes, some big some small, but being able to see these problems I know now how to fix them. She can see she made mistakes, some big some small, and she is willing to change them. So what's the problem? Let me break it down for you.

Her exact words: "I love you, I care the world for you, but I am not ready to commit to a relationship at this time. I need time to figure things out." For me this is extremely hard for me to understand. If you love someone, you should be with them,  is my thinking flawed? She wants time to straighten out the problems in her life. She knows she wants to be with me in th end, but she doesn't know how to get there. This confuses the holy crap out of me. I told her I would wait for her, which is extremely hard for me to do, because I'm an impatient person. There are thoughts that I just can't escape, a I feel sometimes like I'm being lead on, that in the end I'm going to be kicked to the curb. My whole life I always fought for love, it's the only thing worth fighting for, and now I'm stuck in a position in which the fighting is actually bad. She is saying I'm pushing to hard right now, so in the end my fighting for love is doing more harm then good. This entire situation has me wanting to grab handfuls of hair and just rip it out. I'm so confused,  I love her and want to be with her, but I don't want to feel like I'm being lead on/being taken for granted. Not knowing has always been a thing that has totally and completely drove me up the wall, and here I am facing down the barrel of a 20 gauge not knowing shot-gun.

EDM


Posted by elvendarkmage @ 2:05 pm EDT | Permalink | 4 Comments