Politics

This is usually a subject I try to stay clear of, due to the fact that it puts people in defensive mode, but Caesar's blog got me on a roll. Socialized Medicine, in theory its a great idea, but given our track record with the way our government handles government ran programs, Am I the only person that thinks this is a very very bad idea? A lot of our government  programs start off as great ideas, started by great men, only to have the idea totally and completely fudged up by some greedy moron later on down the road. Example: Social Security, great idea, however left in the hands of the government fell to greed, politics, corruption, and its untimely demise.

On the center of my windshield at the top I have an anarchy sticker, Why? Because a radical change to our government needs to happen. Corruption occurs on both sides of the aisle these days. Am I a total and complete anarchist? No. A Government has to be in place to keep the peace. But our government is no longer about keeping the peace, its about keeping the politicians pockets lined. I think that a lot of our problems would be solved if the power went back to the people, the ones who this great country was founded for. If we cut the political red tape around a lot of things, (including the medical field), I honestly  believe  our country would be better off. We need to bring the consumer competition back into the Medical Field, along with many other fields. Have price drive the market, GREEDY SOBS DON'T MAKE IT IN THE BUSINESS WORLD, unless the government allows them too. Usually greedy business people remain greedy because they are the ones helping in keeping the politicians pockets lined. If you take away that pocket lining, take away the politics, and guess what? The only way the greedy business man is going to have to stay competitive to keep his greed satisfied.

Maybe its just me, I don't know. But I always see giving the government control over my freedoms is a bad idea. Yes the medical industry has issues, but letting the government take it over, giving them even more control over it then what they have now, it just seems to me to be a very very very bad idea.

Posted by elvendarkmage @ 12:51 pm EDT | Permalink | 2 Comments

Seeing with new eyes

I have been going through a lot of things in the last few weeks. I've done a lot of soul searching, and lot of re-finding myself. I've recently been in contact with an old love. Things between her and me, didn't quiet go the way things were planned (Do They Ever). We've been rekindling our past romance, however this time we are taking things slow. The first time through we rushed things, we jumped into things head first. Overall I would like to think that things were good between me and her, but we had our problems, and our problems were big, and eventually led to the downfall of our relationship. (To all my friends reading this, I will tell you who it is when the time is right). Since getting back together, we've been talking about the problems we had when we were together. She said she thought one of our biggest issues was trust, that I don't trust her. Sadly the exact opposite is true, I do trust her, trust her with my heart and my life, I've told her things no once else knows. But deep down inside I knew I had a trust issue, not with her, but somewhere in my confusing and complicated mind there was a problem. So last night, I decided to do some research. I love the internet, full of a lot of good information (and some not so good). I ended up on this site that listed out all these different trust related issues, and I stumbled across this one:

I-expect-things-to-go-bad-&-I-seem-to-make-them-go-bad
trust issues

People come to me complaining of trust issues sometimes saying they are so anxious in relationships that they get overly controlling, overly paranoid and accusatory, and generally emotionally abusive. They say they find themselves watching themselves do this, unable to exert any control over their own behavior. They ultimately cause the demise of valued relationships while panicking about the loss while they do it.

This is a trust issue. However, it's usually more an issue of not trusting one's self. For the individual who does this to him- or herself without good cause, there's usually an underlying assumption of unworthiness of a good relationship. There's a belief that the relationship is an accident. There's a pervasive sense of being extremely let-go-able that seems to increase over time. ("S/He can't possibly really be in love with me," .... "S/He will be cheating on me, if it's not already happening -- I just know it." .... "It's only a matter of time until I'm abandoned again." .... "I can't stand not knowing!" .... "I'm going to confront her/him as soon as I get home!" .... "I'm NOT going to stand for this!")

This is often also an anxiety problem about "knowing." Some people -- especially survivors of violations of trust -- spend all sorts of time telling themselves they need to KNOW what's going to happen in their relationship -- is it going to last or be trashed. This is in spite of the fact that they really don't and can't "Know" anything much for sure about anything ("Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real...? What if you were unable to awaken from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?" -- Morpheus, in The Matrix). Unfortunately, the only way to KNOW what is going to happen with something in this world is to trash it. If you want to know if your car will last through the year, the only way to KNOW is to drive it into a lake. If you want to KNOW if your child will ever be successful, the only way to KNOW is to kill him. If you want to KNOW if you will keep your job, quit. If you want to KNOW if your relationship will last, trash it, end it, and you'll know.  

Have you ever read something and it just click, you get to that point where you can actually see the light bulb appear above your head. That is exactly what happened when I read this. Sadly the above for mentioned person is me. I don't trust myself, hmmm its kind of hard to think that way isn't it. We always put such emphasis on trusting others, without really taking the time to realize we need to trust ourselves as well. Ever since I read this I've been gleaming, I always knew there was something wrong, just didn't know what. Now I do, and god this makes me so damn happy. I've been excited ever since. Luckily I get to see her tonight, and I'm going to share this with her, and finally open all these thoughts I had while we were together. Since I know what the problem is now, I'm hoping that me and her can work thru this problem together. I think me having this trust issue was the cause of alot of the problems me and her had. Anyway, even though I have a problem I'm so damn happy today that I know what the problem is....its kind of like seeing the world with a brand new set of eyes.

On a side note, my ex-wife and I recently agreed to put our autistic son on a nutritional supplement, we've heard people say wonderful things about it and their testimonies of the tremendous results with their autistic children on it. I thought it was a good idea, it has nothing harmful in it, and no side effects, what could it hurt?  Hes been on it about a week, and there has been astounding results. Last night I was over at the ex-wifes hanging out, and she came in from his room in tears... We all looked at her and asked what was wrong, she looked at me with the largest smile on her face and said "He called me Mommie, he has never called me Mommie before."

Posted by elvendarkmage @ 12:35 pm EDT | Permalink | 4 Comments

Long Lost Love

As I stated in my last blog, I would write about the girl I've been head over heels about for the last 10 years so here goes:

Me and her were friends in high school, she dated my  best friend at the time.  From the first time I saw her, I always had a crush on her, and with her dating my best friend the feelings only became stronger as her and I became friends. Well as time went by, she got tired of my friends crap, and his apparent alcoholism (eventually, we all got tired of his crap, and his self destructive poor me attitude). They broke up, and I was still hanging out with her, by this time me and her were best of friends and could read each other like books. Well, it was time for me to step up, and take the chance and ask her. Well, I gave into my fear of rejection, and just kind of dropped out of her life. Something I've regretted since then, not only did I lose out on a chance at romance with her, I also lost a great friend.

We kind of kept in touch over the years, we would see each other in public and chit-chat, hug, and be on our way. I got married, had a child, started my own lil life, but she was always on my mind. Anytime me and my wife had an argument or fight, I would always think about her. Well finally it was decided that me and my wife could no longer coexist,
and we got a divorce.  Now in the self loathing and depression that followed the divorce, I decided to write her, and tell her about all the feelings I kept for her. She contacted me immediately, and told me she had no idea, she thought I dropped off the planet because of my friend she dated, and well to say the least we re-kindled our friendship. She told me that at this point in time there wasn't anything she could do (she was in a three year relationship with a guy, and had I known the letter would have never been sent), however she didn't know what the future held. She also told me she had a battle with cancer, cervical cancer, and how she had been sick. This scared the holy crap out of me cuz I just recently lost my mother to cancer.

We talked nearly ever week for a while, I found a new girl (the girlfriend from my previous blog post, which was a disaster). Her and her man split, while I was with the gf, and she went on to find another guy. The last I talked to her, was on the phone, she was telling me how she just broke up with her bf and I was telling her about the downfall of mine. A few days late we were talking, and I asked her if we could meet up sometime, and hang out like the old days. She said sure, sounds like fun. Well that was pretty much the last I've heard from her. I've called her, messaged her, and e-mailed her, 4 weeks now and no response. I'm hoping shes just busy with her new man, and just hasn't got time for me (or knows because of the feelings I have for her, wants nothing to do with me), and that she hasn't come out of remission. Anyway I'm at a loss as to what to do, if shes not contacting me because of the new man, I don't want to intrude. But if shes sick again I would like to know, and its like her not to tell me that she is, so I don't worry myself sick about her.

Normally I would just give up, but for some reason with her I just can't. Shes the type of girl that if she called me up and said  "Jacob, I need a kidney transplant" before she hung up I would be there at the hospital with her getting every kind of test completed to see if I was a proper candidate. 

Any advice on the situation would help.

Posted by elvendarkmage @ 2:20 pm EDT | Permalink | 4 Comments

A Thank You

I wanted to thank Unwashedmass for his recent blog post: here

Over the last week I have had so much crap thrown in my face it was about as much as I could handle. Between a friend sleeping with my ex-wife, the mother of my son, and my ex-girlfriend slamming me every chance she gets, to someone I have been in love with for over 10 years totally and completely shutting me out of her life, I was at my wits end. The anger and the pain was consuming me to the point that I was loosing sleep, and I could feel my ulcer bruning a whole thru the lining of my stomach.

My friend, who recently joined the army and is stationed in Iraq, I was told had a one night stand with my ex-wife. I knew that she was the one that went and picked him up from the air-port. Which in itself pissed me off, Why the hell is one my good friends picking up my ex from the air port? Why didn't he call me and ask me? Anyway, I confronted him and my ex-wife about it. My ex-wife got pissed off more at the fact that anyone was thinking this. He just got pissed off because I found out what was being said. For three days it was nothing but a fight, a fight where he did everything in his power to avoid the question at hand: Did you sleep with my ex-wife? Instead of getting a yes or no, I recieved an e-mail telling me how horrible of a friend I was, how I looked down on him, and treated him like shit, and I was never much of a friend to him anyways, I responded telling him basically he was full of crap and he still had yet to answer the question. The next reponse I got from him was what did it matter she's your ex-wife, and made it seem like I was crawling back to her. I responded no, but it does matter who shes with for the simple fact that 90% of the time, my son is in her care, is with her, so whoever she dates, whoever she sleeps with, it affects my child, therefore it affects me. Finally on the last e-mail he gives me an answer: no. So after all the bullshit and drama, I finally get an answer. And I told him I believed him, and I do I don't think he slept with her. Her reactions and her answer to me, and his final answer to me, they weren't lies, I know both of these people well enough, and have caught both of them in lies before, to know this wasn't a lie. However I do know my friend well enough to know that he did tell everyone he did sleep with her. As long as I've known him sex was always more important then friendship, so I've decided he's a friend no longer worth having.

On to my ex-grilfriend. All Im going to say is things didn't work out. Wether it was I wasn't giving enough, or she was too needy, it just didn't work. She had to leave to take care of her dying father, something I knew had to be done and wasnt at all upset about. No matter how much I tried to make her happy, there was always something upsetting her. She always had some type of drama, and I always had to do something about it. I will say that a couple of the times, the drama was mine as drama will always occur when their is an ex-wife and a child. However the drama just got to be too much for me to handle or to even care. We broke up while she was taking care of her father. The last straw was, I told her I would call her when my son laid down for a nap, the nap never came, so I was just going to call her when he went to bed, no biggie. Boy was I wrong, I had just laid down, and was getting ready to call her, when the phone rang. I picked up, and it was her. Immediately it turns into a fight, she tells me that because I didn't call her earlier, I didn't care about her.......??? I told her I spent the day with my son, he never took a nap, and I was fixing to call you. It finally escalated to the point where she was trying to make herself more important then my son and I had finally had enough. We had been fighting for weeks, niether one of us were happy, so I decided to break it off. Well its my fault now that most her stuff is down here with me, my responsibility to get it all back to her. She asked me to mail her a ring she had given to me to wear and the key to her car, I was like np. Mailed it two her as soon as I could, well it wasnt soon enough, and she proceeded to tell me that I kept the ring out of spite for the exteneded period of time, and that Im keeping all her furniniture because I refuse to send it to her..Any way its been a long drawn out fight, on that I no longer wish to fight, all I wanted back was the key too my truck and the key to my house, two things she refuses to give to me.

Last the woman I have been in love with for the last 10 years, her I'll save for another post, since this one is already extremely long.

I finally I would just like to thank unwashedmass mainly because I read his thread last night. Own your own shit, I was letting the emotions brought on by these situations run me, I was letting the hate and anger into every little moment of the day. However, I read his post, I read the things he was going thru, and read the meaning behind Own your own shit.  For the first time in weaks I went to bed last night with a clear head, and was able to get a good nights sleep. I woke up this morning the pain of my ulcer gone. I read UM's post and for once I realized what I needed to do, and because of that I thank you UM. I'm pretty sure that when things start to get shitty, and the pain and the hurt get to be to much to handle, the words "Own you Own Shit." will echo thru my thoughts, and Ill be able to take control of the situation, and not let the emotions take control. Ty Mass

Posted by elvendarkmage @ 1:11 pm EDT | Permalink | 3 Comments

Space Marine #2

This is the second completed marine piece for the RPG, I think Im going to use this one for the Soldier Class.

Posted by elvendarkmage @ 1:38 pm EDT | Permalink | 0 Comments