Part 1 of part 1

I worked yesterday and chose not to tell everyone that I had a death in the family.  I didn't want them to have to decide whether to do something for me or whatever.  And, there are only a few that would actually care and give me what I would like the most....a hug.  It did get out, tho, and I had to tell Beth.  Ahhhh, Beth.  The best hugger in the world!   That is, girl:girl hugging....  I have this thing about fake hugs.  You know, they are similar to "kissing the air" when people greet each other.  Oh, I guess that's just on TV or the movies or something.  Anyways, Beth wraps herself around you and really hugs!  It was good.  I guess I needed that.

Hubby has been very sweet to me lately.  Poo!  That makes The Plan a little harder.  The thing is, he is always happy when I am stressed or down in the dumps about something.  That means he is in control of our situation and sees me as helpless and needing him.  The truth is, I need NO ONE!  And, I will not be sad for very long, cuz I have things to do, places to go, people to see! 

Part 1 of part 1 of the plan:  I sent my nurse manager an email requesting information on getting a full time position in the clinic.  She responded with "there is a position for a CN II and CN III, let's talk".  Well, I certainly have the education and experience for a CN III, but I'm not sure what that is, exactly.  One of my co-workers said I might be eligible for a CN IV, and that really is, um, scarey.  Yes, I have the credentials, but, I sorta like being a peon anymore.  I've done the mid-management and advanced practice nurse route, and it was just not right for me.  Money was good!  But......  We shall see.

The Plan

I haven't been able to sleep for the last few days.  So much on my mind.  I'm working on "The Plan".  But, due to a bit of stress and woe is me, the plan goes on hold, for a little while.  What is the plan?  When I figure it out for sure, I will let you know.  One thing I know, I need some space.  I have an intense desire to do for myself after doing for everyone else my entire life.  I can tell you, once I decide to do #1 of my plan, the rest is likely to follow.  #1 is a big step for me.  It means going back to work full time.  Blah!  Not that I want to.  I will have to.  But, I can't think about it too much, right now.

Thanks to all of you that made comments and sent PMs the last couple days.  You are all so sweet.  I like receiving virtual hugs, and that is what it felt like.  Real hugs are better, but.......  Anyways, thanks, especially you.......

No mood for the day today.  I am too mixed up to be in any kind of mood at all.

Enough?

Do you ever wonder, sometimes, if enough is enough?  Two of my sisters were in the nursing home together, the one that died and another one, Jeanie.  She is my "little" sister.  Because of an accident at birth, likely cord wrapped around her neck, she is mentally retarded.  She tests out to have the mentality of a 6-7 year old.  So, when my dad died, we had to place her, and got lucky and was able to place her right next to her sister, same place, even same room.  That was a good thing, practically a miracle.  I talked to her on the phone last night.  She is difficult to understand if you are not used to it, but I know how to speak "jeanie" very well.  She cried.  And she cried.  And she cried.  And I couldn't understand her.  But I heard her say she missed her sister, that she wanted me, and that she was scared.  The rest of the family that are close by (Michigan) were there sorting clothes and other belongings.  And Jeanie won't go back in her room, cuz she's scared.  And she wants me.  And, I think I have had enough.  That's all.

Bad News

So it begins.....  My parents have both passed, now, the first of my siblings is gone, as well.  My oldest sister, Juanita, passed away at 3:45 today.  My brother and sister-in -law were there, so she wasn't alone.  My sister had polio when she was 8 years old, so I never knew her as anything but a paraplegic.  For me, it was normal.  She could walk a short distance with braces and crutches for a long time, then when she was around 40 years old, she lost all movement in the lower half of her body, so she couldn't swing that leg forward any more.  She had an "attack" about 5 years ago that resembled a stroke, but turned out it was post-polio syndrome.  Whatever you label it, the result was the same.  She had already lost the use of her legs for most of her life.  Then she lost speech and became paralyzed on one side.  All she really had left was minimal movement of one arm and she could still turn her head.  That got her placed in a nursing home.  She was cared for quite well there.

I don't do loss well.  I really don't.  But, this sister and I were not close.  She has been very ill for 5 years.  I didn't know when it would happen, but I knew.  So, I have had time to grieve the loss of a sibling for a long time.  It is easier when you realize that now she won't suffer any more.  It has more to do with your own mortality.  Sad.  Making the phone calls was hard, but had to be done.  Rest well, sis.

More email jokes

How come this never happens to me??