sufferin’ succatash

heh, i couldn't resist....sylvester reminds me a lot of me in some ways....always chasing that unattainable goal and just when it looks like he's just about there *BAM* something stops him cold in his tracks........just like good ol Wile E Coyote and that damn Roadrunner....

my life in the past 30 days has imitated those cartoons, why i choose this analogy i do not know.  i was sitting here trying to think of a title for the blog and that just entered my head and off we go dear readers!!

let's start off with a definition:

living: 

1 a: having life b: active, functioning <living languages>

2 a: exhibiting the life or motion of nature : natural living museum…of natural history — NEA Journal> b: 2live 2a

3 a: full of life or vigor b: true to life : vividliving color> c: suited for living living area>

4: involving living persons

5: very —used as an intensive living daylights out of me>

see a them going on with this?  "full of life or vigor", "having life", well friends today is my wedding anniversary!  those of you who have read previous my previous blogs are probably going "WTF?  I thought that was over"  well, it is.  in my mind it's over and done with, the emotional ties are cut, my bags are packed and i'm leaving on a jet plane.  only i'm still here in this house with the haunted doorbell and the litter pan subjected to an olympic pisser of a cat.  do not for one minute think that the exclamation used above means i'm excited about this or am happy, if it was my anniversary do you think i'd be sitting here writing this for y'all to read?  hell no, i'd be out celebrating!  i still am celebrating, just happen to be doing it here, sipping on jack and coke, jammin out and writing you people something interesting to read.

it's been a freakin' hard month and i have emotionally been through the ringer and back again multiple times.  something that to me that should be so simple has turned into a monstrosity and i'm afraid it's of my own creation.  to put it simply i live with a psychotic bipolar shchizophrenic; and that's on her good days.  i have been subjected to broken furniture, late night sexual harrassment (yes it does happen to men ladies believe it or not and for you guys, it is ok to say no ), threats, promises and then the next morning it's like none of it happened and i'm supposed to start planning the next family reunion.  excuse me, do you recall that just 6 hours ago you were threatening to wreck every goddamn thing in the house just because you were "mad"?????

i get blank stares and "i don't know what you're talking about"s.  it's scary and spooky and her demon spirit probably lives in that damn doorbell.....

so i have tried to be the decent and civil person, give her every chance to accept the inevitable and do something about it.  she refuses.  she lies, she's intentionally late on payments and she's started going through my personal things so now they have to be packed up and locked away because i can't trust that she won't squat over them and literally crap all over them.  i had to resort to rifling through her things to obtain her lawyer's number because she refused to give it to me.  i only knew his first name but i'll be damned if i didn't find it and i'm calling him tomorrow to let him know what a psycho bitch he has for a client.  naw, i'm just going to send him the settlement agreement so i can get that ball rolling and get on with my life.

for the first time, i'm not afraid to be alone, on my own and live; l-i-v-i-n !  i have great friends that are supporting me (y'all know who you are) and i appreciate all the words of encouragement, it means a lot to know that everyone is there if i need them.  and you know what the strangest thing out of all this is???  through the support of a very good friend i have reconciled with my 2nd ex-wife and sorta with my 1st and i can say that we are now friends.  i'm not sleeping with her, don't think that!  we are "just friends", that kind of friends.  we were great friends before we were married and that marriage went to shit and now we have started to rediscover that friendship so to speak and to be honest, it's nice.  there's no pressure to be someone i'm not, to commit to something i don't have to, i can just be me and walk away at the end of it all.  it's a weird experience for me but i'm getting used to it.

anyhoo, back on track, the time for games has ended and i have to move forward and i have to be a dick, i have to be mean and i have to close myself off to what i once had with my 3rd wife (god it still sounds horrible to say that) and i have to ruin their lives temporarily and restart mine.  it's not something that i relish doing but it's something that i have to do if i'm going to retain my sanity, to truly heal what's been wrong with me emotionally for so long.  it's time for me to live free and live to be me for me. 

catch y'all on the flip side

hindishly foresighted

first off, don't hate me cuz my spelling is going to suck big time, been up for a bit and my eyes are getting that goopy gunk on the eyeballs from staring at the computer screen for too long so you'll forgive my grammar and whatever else comes forth from these fingers........

i was talking with a friend tonight, and hindsight came up.  you know that saying, hindsight is 20/20.  let's break it down:

hindsight:  perception of the nature of an event after it has happened

20/20: clear vision (as best can be defined, i know there's better vision out there but we're talking about a common phrase here so give me a break you semantically challenged bastards)

so have a clear vision of the perception of the nature of an event after it has happened.  here's the key word:  AFTER.  what the hell good is hindsight?  you've already committed to a course of action and depending on that decision you've either just robbed a liqour store or bet a grand on black 3 at the roulette table, either way, you're fucked and hindsight isn't going to help you.  what's that?  learn from your mistakes you say?  you become wiser?  what the hell planet are you from i must ask....wouldn't you rather have FORESIGHT?

let's break that down:

foresight:  an act of looking forward; also : a view forward

let's face it, hindsight only serves its purpose after you screwed up, wouldn't you rather be like nicolas cage in the movie Next and be able to see what's going to happen first?  i know i would, lord knows i might be somewhere else or hell, with someone else but just to play devil's advocate, what fun is knowing what's going to happen?  isn't that what life is about, the ever present possibilities that abound day after day?  think about it, would you be sitting here now reading my blog if you had the foresight to know i'm just going to spout off on inter-dimensional transgressions that dramatically affect the course of my life?  i know i wouldn't.......

what?  still here?  guess you'll finish this up and say "damn, hindsight sucks, if i only had foresight"  see? i made an incoherent point ;)

i'll tell you what though and i've said this before, i've made some mistakes in my life and i've done things that i regret and i've committed acts that would make a nun blush but i wouldn't change them, each and every experience adds to your life wisdom, it chalks up another score on the chalkboard of karmic destiny and i wouldn't change a thing except to have the foresight to pick the winning lotto numbers of the 300+ million powerball lottery in my state.

some people really put a lot of thought into their blogs, go back and edit it and tweak it and refine it and hold it close and hug it and love it and call it george, i'm sure i could do that but then you lose the spontaniety of the whole thing....my mind races at a million miles an hour and i hop from subject to subject and then back to the original, it's rather confusing for me too.......

i guess what i'm trying to say is, uttering the words "hindsight is 20/20" means you've either learned from the choices in your life or you use it to blame the outcome of the decisions you've made in that life......be the person that learns from it and doesn't use it as an excuse for the things that have gone wrong.......we're only here a short time on this earth, take what you will, have and are learning and use it to your advantage, live it to the fullest and be glad when you can say "fuck hindsight, i'm doing this anyway"

blog stats and banners nsht

can someone please explain to me what the hell the ratings mean?  call me a newb or what you will but i've been searching all over the damn place for some kinda FAQ and have yet to find anything explaining the rating system.  is it based on the thumbs up or down?  and if so, why the hell would you give my first blog a thumbs down???  lmao!

am i trolling for bumpage?  maybe.....but seriously, i've goofed off half the morning on the company's time trying to get a banner and a background set for this here blog and even using irfanview i've only just been able to get an avatar to load successfully.  is there a trick?  a secret handshake?  a hidden easter egg on the page???  someone help a brudda out wouldja?

all that being said, on a more personal note to intro myself to y'all a bit more....for your listening pleasure:  http://www.last.fm/user/rumbagod.  it may sound silly but the right amount of jack daniels and decibel level (this goes to eleven) mixed with some vent speak can make for many an enjoyable game on MTGO.  it's not as fast-paced as halo or gow but you have to use your mind and strategize the deck you construct instead of relying on teammates and over-caffeine-stimulated reflexes ;)  that's not a knock on FPS fanboys, i used to play the hell out of some UT, worlds apart was my fave snipe level and deathmatch was da shiznit but it just got overrun with whiners and the release of ut2003 that it grew stale for me and so i moved on to move introspective games (doom 3, the witcher, rome: total war and even got into a litle bit of guild wars since it was a free subscription).  maybe it was cuz i didn't have a clan in ut or knew cool peeps while playing but either way, MTGO is my choice for now so deal widit!  heh.

per a request

so i've had my first blog request (why on earth i have no idea)....how cool is that?  now the pressure is on, what to blog about, make it intersting, lalala

so i went to go outside and smoke and think about what to blog....i'm out there, enjoying my smoke and wondering what to blog about and make it interesting enough for peeps to read....tough stuff

what if?  what if......?  what the hell and what if comes to mind.....i wonder about the what if's in my life and i wonder what if i had done this or done that; would i have met this person or that person, done this thing or that thing........pursued this objective or another one.....it gets pretty damn circular but it leads me back to one thing;  it doesn't matter......what will be has been and the decisions you make have all been accounted for somehow....it's just a different life path it leads you down but it's all happened before and will happen again only you maybe make a different decision this time around and start down a new path that's already been walked before.

i've always felt that i've had prophetic or deja vu type dreams that only spring that feeling that you've been here before and faced that decision before at the moment that it happens...you know the feeling, the "i know what's going to happen" feeling......i haven't had those types of feelings since i was a teenager and i feel i somehow managed to suppress them because i felt that i made the wrong choice.......what if i had done this instead of that......

i guess everyone goes thru that in their life, it just seems to be prevalent in my life though....people say "i wouldn't change a thing about what i've done" but it's bullshit, everyone at one time or another thinks or wonders about the what if's....some let it drive everything they do, some obsess over it, some never break away from that line of thought and spiral into darkness over it....

me, i believe everything i do i've done before and have been given a chance to do it different and the times where i've been hit with deja vu is where i'm about to make the same mistake twice....maybe it's true maybe it's not but sometimes i really wonder about how much control i have over the things i do and have done and will do.....could it be a perputual "the grass is ever greener on the other side"? and i'm just making more of it then it really is?  i dunno i guess i'll find out in my next life

boredom

i hate being bored....there's nothing worse than staring at a computer screen bored out of my mind and sipping on some jack daniels.......oh, and having random play going on about 4300 songs doesn't help when the alcohol buzz kicks in either....

i should get up out of this chair and go downstairs and hit the elliptical for thirty minutes or so or go play with the bowflex for an hour and see how much i can hurt myself straining against rubber rods and pulleys but here i sit instead typing words and sipping JD and what the hell is that song???  ok, folks, Talk Show was a big disappointment as a band, kinda like Army of Anyone;  what a buzz kill.....NEXT!

oh that's lovely Jefferson Starship....NEXT! 

ok, 7 mary 3, not too bad....we're groovin now....

anyways, i hate being bored and i'm not drunk enough yet to start spouting off on philosophy, politics, personal matters and what not so sorry to disappoint .......until next time