Hove Beach Hooker Made Me Gag

Shortly after arriving here in Liberty City and listening to my cousin rant on about how beautiful and easy the women were I was anxious to try them out for myself. After all, I had just spent months on a boat full of men, I needed some female companionship.

So late that first night I took one of Roman's cars and went on the prowl for an easy score. Hours later I finally found what I thought might be a hooker. Hell, it was either a hooker or a woman that needed serious help in wardrobe selection. This woman was easily over two bills and wearing the nastiest outfit I had ever scene. If she wasn't a hooker she was sure wearing their uniform.

I really didn't think this was the type of woman Roman was talking about but there were no other hookers around so what the hell right...beggars can't be choosers. Besides, I thought she might be cheap. I figured I'd get my rocks off, save a few bucks in the process and everyone goes home happy. Hell, I've boned a few fat chicks in my time and have always had a good time doing it. And this time she wouldn't fall in love with me or expect me to call her later like the other fat chicks did.

So I pull up next to this cow and she pops her head into my passenger window. Yikes! This woman looks like she's been rode hard and put up wet a few too many times. Still, I'm horny and like I previously stated, it had been several weeks so I let her in the car and we drive to this alley around the corner.

As soon as I park she takes my 50 bucks (savings my ass), pulls out my junk and commences to straddle me in the driver's seat. Being a big girl it wasn't easy for her and when she finally manages to make it on top of me she's out of breath and breathing heavily into my face. It smells like she spent the day licking asses and it occurs to me that she probably had. This thought makes it hard for me to keep a straight face but I manage.

She pulled her panties to the side and out came a whole new smell I never imagined before. The aroma was enough to make me throw up in my mouth a little. She slid herself down on me and started to hump me....hard. I thought my hip might break, the bitch was just too damn heavy. As she built up speed she began to make vagina farting sounds. With every "vart" a new smell was added to the stink stew that has accumulated in the cab of my car. I finally can't take it anymore. On the verge of throwing up, I opened my door, kicked the bitch out and ran over her as I sped out of there.

When I get home I immediately jump in the shower and proceed to wash my junk for three straight hours.

Fucking hookers. I've sworn them off for good.

Posted by syphaqlies @ 2:41 pm EDT | Permalink | 2 Comments

I Think I Gave a Serial Killer a Ride

Yesterday I was walking around near Westdyke looking for this car Stevie wanted me to get for him when this freak of a man stopped me and started rambling about being his friend and being nice to him and shit. He wasn't making any sense and I was starting to get creeped out so I tried to walk away but this guy was persistent. He finally asked me to give him a ride to the docks to see some of his "friends" off. I decided to help the guy out even though doing so was against my better judgment.

He grabs this big heavy duffle bag and throws it in the backseat of this car I grabbed from the dealer's lot across the street. We had to hightail it out of there because someone had tipped the police about the car I had just borrowed. He seemed awfully nervous about being chased by the police and was emphatic that I loose them quickly. I wasn't too worried, most people in Liberty City have poor driving skills and the police are no exception. It wasn't long before I had them wondering where we had gone.

With the police finally off our asses we made our way through the city towards the dock. The whole time this man, who clearly isn't right in the head is talking about his friends and I start to get the feeling that he's trying to tell me something but he doesn't want to just come out and say it. However, I'm not an idiot, I know what he's talking about. He's fucking murdered his so called friends and probably spent the better half of the day cutting them up and stuffing them into that damn bag. I mean, it smells like rotting steak and it's leaking, what else could possibly be in there.

We make it to the docks and he jumps out, grabs the bag and tosses it over the edge. Good riddens, that shit was starting to make me gag. I drop him off down the street and quickly drive off once he's out of the car.

I may be a murdering psychotic but that man scared the shit out of me. He was fucking insane. Shit, I still got goose bumps.

Posted by syphaqlies @ 12:21 pm EDT | Permalink | 7 Comments

Press Clipping

I picked this up today from the Liberty City Tree Online.

Violence Against Homeless on the Rise in Liberty City
by Richard Head
(Friday, June 6, 2008 ) Violence against Liberty City's homeless population has risen sharply this past month. In total, the LCPD is currently investigating 35 unsolved murders where the victim has either been beaten, stabbed, shot and even set on fire.

Even more astonishing is that police believe the majority of these killings to be the work of one individual.

"I wouldn't say that we have a serial killer on our hands yet, just one very disturbed individual," said officer Francis McReary of the LCPD. "So far all of the incidents have occurred at night. We believe that the perpetrator simply stumbles upon his victim by accident and for whatever reason attacks them."

An eye witness to one of the attacks that occurred in the industrial district described a grissly scene.

"This man just walks up to this bum that's sleeping and just starts beating him with his bat. After he rifles through his belongings he seemed to get even angrier when he finds nothing on him. I mean he's a bum, what did he expect to find, a secret fortune? So this bums just laying there bleeding right. Well the guy takes out this bottle and lights one end on fire and to my horror he throws it at the poor guy. He just stands there and chuckles as the bum is screaming in pain. Thankfully it didn't last long. Once the bum stopped moving the guy just turned and walked away. I tell you, I have never been so scared."

To protect the eyewitness, Liberty City Tree Online has decided not to release his name. However, he is currently being held at a police safe house in Algonquin.

I think I need to teach this eyewitness the phrase, "I didn't see anything."





Posted by syphaqlies @ 1:16 pm EDT | Permalink | 3 Comments

Packie is a Dick

So today I went to meet this wacked out Irishman named Derrick. He's completely off his rocker and like all addicts he's blaming someone else for his problems. His particular problem is currently locked up in a Liberty City prison somewhere. However, Derrick here has got wind that they're going to move him so he's asking me to help take care of this little problem for him.

Fucking strung out Irishman. What the hell, he's so pathetic that I agree to it. His brother Packie decides to help me with this little errand. Well, long story short we got this guy that Derrick's all bent out of shape about standing at the edge of this cliff pleading for his life. I put my pistol to his forehead and marvel at how nice the pink mist looks in the waning sunlight.

I watch this cock stain fall to the ocean bellow, thinking he's quite graceful actually, when I hear the car start up behind me. I turn around and wouldn't you know it, that little prick Packie has just left me standing there with my dick in my hand. I mean it's a mile to the nearest road. That rotten son of a bitch.

Have I ever left him standing at the curb after I drove him to a strip club? Did I leave him at the bank when his ass was getting shot off by SWAT? No, because I'm a stand up guy.

Well he can kiss my ass. The next time I see him my bat is going to meet his knee caps.

Fucking Irish gangsters.

Posted by syphaqlies @ 5:19 pm EDT | Permalink | 2 Comments

Liberty City Police Profile

Yesterday I was walking to a car I had stolen earlier that morning after eating a burger for breakfast. I had gotten into a scrape the night before and needed to replenish some health. Before I got to the car my phone rang. It was Brucie and I knew he wanted an update on that little job he asked me to do for him so I answered it. As I was answering the phone I accidentally bumped into this black guy wearing an all white sweat suit.

Now, because I was on the phone I couldn't get in the car so I just stood there while I listened to Brucie ramble on about how he was "genetically different" all the while thinking how much I'd like to know what the back of his head would look like after a bullet had passed through it. The whole time this black dude is just standing there eyeballing me. As soon as I hang up the phone, another black dude (I think it was his twin brother because they looked identical and were wearing the same clothes) came over and the two started to beat on me.

So naturally I took my out my Louisville Slugger and started crackin' skulls. At that very moment a cop car drove by and they came after me too.

I mean what the hell, I was just trying to defend myself from a couple guys trying to beat me up for bumping into one of them and the cops want to arrest me? Go figure.

But since I'm an Eastern European immigrant the cops must have figured I was a bad guy.

So I took out my combat shotgun and showed them what kind of trouble profiling gets you. When I had reduced them both to bloody heaps of rotting flesh on the pavement, I stole their police car and ran down the two guys that started the whole mess to begin with.

I tell you it was not the way I had planned to start the morning.

Posted by syphaqlies @ 4:47 pm EDT | Permalink | 0 Comments