Mondays.

So. Mondays have a crap reputation.

I have to say it earned it last monday.

Started off when my daughter woke up feeling sick so we kept her home from daycare. I spend mornings with my 11 month old son while my wife sees patients and my daughter is normally in daycare. We then switch off where she picks up my daughter and then watches the two of them while I do the labwork and often do either tattoos or prep work until about 8:00PM then usually more labwork until anywhere until 9-12:00.

 

I first run over to my wifes office and check the lab to make sure everything was done for the day. I checked everything over and everything seemed ship shape. I didnt even notice the one case that had to be done for 10:30. I call it Mustard Blindness. When you stand in front of the fridge for 5 minutes looking for the mustard which is front and center. You can't friggin miss it, but you do. You often don't see it until your wife calls you an idiot and points it out to you.

So because of this oversight, my wife has to tell the man who came in to pick up his teeth (he traveled like 45 minutes to make this appointment BTW) that her husband/lab tech is a complete idiot who will not be getting any sex for a least 3 weeks.

I'm not sure thats what she actually said to him, but it was pretty clear to me in her later briefing.

 

So now home with the kids, Im watching both of them when my 11 month old TwistedJr bites me on the titty.

Right on the one with the piercing. I have a very large gauge ring in there and he proceeded to attack it like a Pit Bull on a french fry.

I had to pry the giggling little fiend off with the corner of an Etch-a-Sketch.

Later that morning I was talking to a client needing a memorial portrait of her two kids with their late father-in-law.

She sent me three pics of the kids to choose from. Apparently I chose two pictures of the same kid. They didn't look the same to me.

Start over. Gah.

Another woman comes unannounced to my door with an envelope of photographs. She pulls them out and asks if I can draw a picture of her old house the way it used to be before the renovations. She hands me a bunch of pictures of a house from several angles and distances. I assume it was the same house because in every photo it was 75% surrounded by trees. DENSE trees.

I said; "Um.. this is really just gonna be a picture of trees with one corner and part of a roof."

She said; "Can you just not draw the trees?"

Me ;"...................."

She said; "Like, can you not just use your imagination?"

I said; "Imagination? Sure. But I'm not sure if I'll put the gun turrets in the right place or not."

I was pretty much dumfounded.

I shouldve just handed her a piece of black Bristol board and said; "Here! Night at the Old House! Just use your fucking imagination!"

Dumbass.

 

Ive got a girl who wants a tattoo ASAP who keeps changing her design ideas on me. First she wants stars, then she wants fairies, then she wants script, then she wants to change the phrasing. I should just keep nodding and just tattoo "ASSHAT" on the back of her neck. She'd never know. I'm pretty sure shes too stupid to work a mirror.

 

Later that evening I head over to the lab to finish up some work. Thats when I discover that I need a specific kind of clasp for the case.

A kind of clasp I had apparently forgotten to order.

Between getting the other stuff done I tore through the place like a fat kid on a bunt cake looking for an extra clasp, anywhere. No such luck.

So I got home around 11:30 that night and had to tell my wife I screwed up again.

So it seems not only am I not getting sex for a good long while, shes even considering taking back all the sex shes ever given me.

 

 

Oh, almost forgot. My 11 month old also broke one of our best china dishes.

On mondays when it rains it not only pours, it breaks out in little arseholes and shits all over the place.

Anyway, heres a tattoo I did on our new lab tech. Yes the one who bit me (see earlier blog entry con. Cannibal Women and Ear Hair).

I also did a blue kanji below her hairline. Yup. That hairline.  

 

Oh, and her kids names are in the lower wings.

Posted by Twisted @ 12:48 pm EDT | Permalink | 4 Comments

Wow. Been awhile.

So, I cant remember when my last blog entry was.

I suppose I could just scroll down and look at the date but who really has time for that.

SInce Ive been on last Ive been working like mad. People wanting tattoos. People wanting drawings. Its going pretty good.

Just the other day I had a girl come in for a Tinkerbell tattoo.

 

Tinkerbell the fairy. Not Tinkerbell the rodent lapdog.

Anyway, she was notable not just for being really fricking cute, but for nearly passing out, not once, not twice, but three times.

Ive never had three close calls in one tattoo before. She kept wanting to stop to go into the bathroom and splash some water on her face and hug the toilet for a minute. She would go and come back just a little greyer.

I finally suggested I throw a quick preliminary outline down and then have her in some other day when she was feeling better.

She thought it was a pretty good idea.

 

I also did a foot tattoo for a girl whos normally the sweetest thing you could ever meet.

I told her foot tattoos were pretty painful so she had a couple of shots before she came over. She asked if that was okay I told I was sloshed myself so I figured it was only fair.

Once we got started she was "Wow that effen hurts." Halfway through she was an encyclopedia of the profane.

She was swearing a blue streak, calling me every name in the book, cursing the needles, cursing her foot, I think she even attempted to bring down damnation on the entirety of mankind at one point.

In the end she loved her tattoo. Wasnt too happy with me personally for a day or two, but she loved the ink.

Im gonna wait for it to heal up before taking pics and putting em up.

 

Ive been wanting to do some charcoals to put up the studio, I have the original Tarot series up, but I wanted to do some portraits for advertising. I have a portrait of the Mrs in a local coffeeshop, the kids pics are in the wifes dental office, but I had nothing for the studio. The thing with commission portraits is Im usually in a time crunch so I have time to squeeze off a quick photo before sending it off and thats about it.

Well, I was on Facebook and I noticed a profile pic of a girl who is on a friends friend list.

I thought it would be perfect to draw from. I sent her a message telling her I would like her permission to draw her picture for advertising.

I think she thought I was some creepy Facebook stalker guy. With the help of our mutual friend I was able to convince her that I was a sincere creepy Facebook stalker guy.

Turns out shes the hottie that works at the bank down the street from me. Whenever I go to use the ATM I cant help but sneak a peek when shes working.

I am then usually asked to leave and stop licking the windows.

Apparently thats not acceptable behavior at the bank.

-or the mall, as I found out later.

 

Anywho, Im glad I was able to convince her I was harmless. I didnt want to freak her out too much (For the record, my profile pic on Facebook is the same pic of me in my 2o2p sig, so maybe she was intimidated by my boyish good looks).

So Im glad shes fine with it. I found she was starting to look a little distracted the other night. Well, as much as I could tell from the tree outside her bathroom window.

I finished it and messaged her saying it was done and if she wanted to see it I could swing by her house with it since I knew where she lived because I found her house on Googlemaps and also had her work schedule and knew which route she took to go home and when she was alone.

 

So fortunately the restraining order is limited due to the fact her workplace is just down the street. Theres no mention of not being able to set up a telescope on my own roof so everythings good.

 

Seriously though, shes a good sport for letting me draw her pic.

 

Posted by Twisted @ 12:06 pm EDT | Permalink | 6 Comments

Connection between Laundry and Mental Illness.

Right now Im up to my eyeballs in life.

New studio, (pics to come soon) people banging on my door wanting ink done, people wanting drawings done (Those of you here with pending orders, Im working on them) and helping with neverending lab duties AND two small kids.

Now, Im pretty much a fully domesticated male.  Lived on my own for a while so I can cook not too badly.  I like to joke that I tried to make pancakes once but I couldnt get the batter out of the toaster.  Ha ha.

Im fully capable of doing my own laundry.  Let me emphasize OWN laundry.

I have discovered that unless you are equipped with a vagina, folding womens clothing is essentially impossible.

Like what the hell kind of alien technology is at work here?!  Skorts? Tank tops with tit shelves?  Do you even fold a bra? 

Im 37, 38 in a few weeks, Ive had several long term relationships, more than a few short term, and I still can't work the goddamn clasp on a fricking bra.  The only time I ever manged to get one off without help or by chewing is when I snapped a friends strap back in high school and it just came undone.  That was it.  Beginners luck followed by decades of frustrated confusion.  I can't imagine the practice it takes for women to undo them behind their backs.

Then you get kids.  Their stuff is just as mind-boggling.  I have no idea what to do with a onesie.  Its like clothing invented by Rubik.

You gotta solve the damn thing to fold it.

Tried using a different razor with my Headblade the other day.  The Headblade includes an adaptor for Gillette Sensor.

Had an equipment malfunction resulting in my peeling my scalp like an orange.  I was picking shreds of meat out of the blades.

Ever see how much scalp wounds bleed?  Its like I butchered a cow in the shower.  I almost just left it to freak out the Mrs, but I know better.

She wouldnt find that as funny as I would.  Put police tape up and everything.  Not worth a week of sleeping on the couch.

I went online that very night and ordered a buttload of the Headblade razors.  No more experimenting thank-you-very-much.

Anyway, heres an ankle bracelet I did a while back.  She called me the other day to tell me she was out at a rodeo and several people thought it was a real ankle bracelet.

Its either a compliment or proof excessive alcohol and repeated blows to the head will affect your vision.

Posted by Twisted @ 12:39 pm EDT | Permalink | 7 Comments

Quantum Theory of Superman.

I have a theory.

I dont think that Superman just zipped across space and landed here.

Think about it.  According to physics, what he does is impossible.

Unless instead of simply coming from another planet, Supe comes from another dimension.

According to experiments such as the double slit experiment, which seems to suggest that all particles dont just inhabit one position in the universe, all particles inhabit ALL positions in the universe.  Its simply a matter of observation which causes the probabilty field to collapse in our perception creating a single position.

One possible interpretation of this is that this means there is an infinite number of universes.

In one, you may be a famous tap dancer, instead of being born you were fabricated in a Jell-o mold.  Paris Hilton could be a neurosurgeon instead of a brainless walking Fleshlight. 

Google Fleshlight.  You'll see the similarity.

In any case, the laws of physics may differ from universe to universe (yes, I know, this may apply more to the theory of a foam-like multiverse, but I find even with wonky physics the distances are prohibitive, so Im sticking to the sum over histories approach.  Cuz its funner.

Anyhoo, in one of these universes comes Superman.  Different quantum state can mean infinite density.  Yup.  Bulletproof.

Maybe he can fly due to his complete control over his relative position.  Why not?  If observation can cause a probabilty wave to collapse into a single particle, why cant his perception control his ultimate position?  This could also allow for his near light speed AND strength.

His strength could be not strength as we know it, but his ability to force his position to overtake the position of almost any object regardless of mass.

Lifting cars would just be a matter of working his position underneath and up.

Xray vision, heat vision, chalk those up to just being a freak from another dimension.

This is what goes through my head when Im stuck on the can with nothing to read.

Heres another kitty.  This ones fluffier.

 

Posted by Twisted @ 8:34 pm EDT | Permalink | 7 Comments

Ear Hair and Cannibal Women

I am disturbed.

I know, I know. "No shit. We've read your blog."

What I mean is Ive avoided most of the usual pitfalls of aging.  Im still the same weight since high school (215lbs +/- 5lbs), pants went from a 32 to a 34, not too bad at 6'3", I guess.  I found the cure for receding hairline and graying, just shave it off.  Okay.

But ear hair?!  What the hell?  What evolutionary benefit is brought by ear hair?  Am I supposed to stuff it back into the ear canal to dampen the racket made by my children or to get out of chores?  Should I cultivate it?  Grow it out?  Use it as a comb over?  Braid it?

I know that humans have strategic patches of fuzz partly to help in dispersing pheremones, but ear hair is just gross and pointless.

Its like a signal to women; "Old guy! Just move along!"

Ive been ripping it out with my fingers and occasionally burning it with a lighter.  Both methods have their obvious drawbacks.  Trimming just leaves unsightly ear stubble.

Anyway.

 

My lab tech bit me last night.

Right in the back of the neck.

I felt her come up behind me and before I knew it, all I felt was teeth.

I was like "WTF?!"

She said she always wanted to do that.

Ive never bitten anyone in a social situation before.

Its also not the first time its happened to me.

Aside from the usual bites during hanky panky (those are expected), Ive been bitten during quiet converstion in a college cafeteria, a restaurant, playing pinball in a bar, teaching karate and now at work.

They rarely draw blood but are always unexpected and remarkably out of context.  They are usually located around the neck, arms and shoulders.

Im not doing anything out of the ordinary and I rarely wear chocolate.

But I think I have it figured out.

Women instinctively know a universal truth.

People are tasty.

Sometimes they just want a little nibble.

I worry though that if I dont react quickly enough they will continue the attack and all that will be left is a pile of bones and some faded workpants.

I also believe the problem may be compounded by fad dieting.

 

Anyway.  I drew a cat.  Heres a crappy photo from my crappy camera.

Posted by Twisted @ 12:28 pm EDT | Permalink | 10 Comments